I've been thinking about Dave a lot lately. I always think of him, but he's really been on my mind the last few days even more.
I have people tell me all the time that I am doing stuff that amazes them. I'm just trying to make our life the best it can be. I certainly don't think I'm amazing. I just read directions and try something until I figure it out. That isn't really amazing. Dave generally always corrected what I did. He didn't try to put me down - he was just always trying to show me a better way or see something that I couldn't. One night when I was tiling the floor and he came home and started taking over. I thought he was saying I was doing a bad job - but really - I had been staring at it so long - I didn't notice what he saw. I would so love these details that he paid attention to. I was annoyed at first - but appreciated it that same night as well. It was also nice for him to save my back a little and finish. There were so many tools that I didn't know how to use, but I've figured most of them out.
I was putting stuff away tonight and wondered what he would think. I had asked Keagan to help - but he put like 2 things away and then disappeared. I don't think he'd like the lack of help most of the time from my kids. I keep trying and trying and it has to set in someday. I'm not giving up, but I know part of my problem is their lack of help. Malea has been supposed to clean her room so we can get pictures. She spent 2 days on it - and I looked at it - and it is awful. I said - you have so much left to do. She said - It looks clean to me. OMG....I think I'll be working on her room tomorrow. This isn't a new thing though - I struggled with this before. Keagan was much younger then - but Malea has always been hard to deal with involving cleaning up. I really need to find something that works.
Last night I was lying in bed and I thought Keagan put his hand on my arm. I turned over though and Keagan was playing on his ipad. I know many people have said that they have felt stuff like that. I never had though - but it certainly felt like his hand.
It is probably sad that I still think this - he isn't here to tell me he's proud. I hear from some people that they think I'm doing a good job - but it is still hard. Not having that one person to love you unconditionally and be supportive is so difficult. I feel like it just brings up more questions that I'll never have answers to.
It isn't only all the work that I'm doing that I wonder about. It is also my working out. I'm trying so hard. Of course - I'm still like the last person to finish and the slowest person. I'm losing weight slower than everyone else seems to be and my eating habits are the best they have been probably in forever.
I think I need to post little sayings all over my house when I move. Aren't you supposed to tell yourself things every morning and eventually you'll believe them?
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)