Malea has always been much more mature than her peers. She has always acted older and because of being tall - also looked older than everyone. I've struggled with this worrying that she didn't have time to be a kid because she didn't always have interest in staying a little girl. She definitely would play with other kids - she loved to play outside especially. She would join in on the trampoline or climb trees - she has always loved climbing trees. She was generally always happy.
It is so hard to see her in this state. Even right after Dave died - she was still happy. I was so worried about that - she didn't seem to act like anything was happening and I just didn't understand it. I think because school was almost done for the year and then there was summer - it just didn't set in as much. I was around much more during that time - working from home all summer. Maybe that was why she was ok - because I was around. Then school started and she slowly got more and more secluded and more angry. She was no longer the happy girl we once knew.
Now, I know that just being a tween can bring on this kind of change. I really am not sure if that is it or not. She definitely brings up the anger with her Dad and any mention of him. Slowly I'm getting things out of her.
Last week she said she was having a hard time with not crying. She didn't want to cry because it was the only thing she could control. She's having issues with people saying stuff at school (she doesn't know who is saying this) - asking when she's going to break. She says people at school have no idea how she is. She says she has everyone fooled. She thinks she has me fooled and everyone around us - but she doesn't. I'm not the only one that has noticed how angry she is or how isolated she makes herself. Tonight she said that she's expected to be the responsible one - to hold the family together. She said I don't make her feel this way - but she thinks that everyone else does:( This breaks my heart. I feel so bad that she has to watch Keagan every day after school.
I so feel like I am failing. I can't seem to help her or get through to her. I tried so hard to be the Mom that her kids could talk to - but I'm not that Mom :( She still thinks she has to take care of me. I'm obviously not doing a good job with my grief and it sucks.
She said today also that there isn't a point in trying to be happy. Her Dad is never going to be there to walk her down the aisle, see her graduate, be there for a first child - so what is the point :(
I totally get her feelings - I've never been there - but I have had those thoughts for her - they were some of the first thoughts I had.
I know that Keagan is going to miss his Dad and need a Dad around - but I think I can find people that can help me with parts of what he needs. I don't think that I can find anyone to help with Malea - or to help fill the void that she needs :( I wish I could step up and be more for her...I wish I could put my grief aside and help her more.
Part of me wonders if her being so wise and mature is why she also is having a much harder time. Everyone says kids are resilient - she doesn't seem to be in that category. I don't know that she'll rise above this and be happy again.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)