I have never felt more alone than I did yesterday.
It was definitely not the worst day of my life - it will be hard to top that day. I was in utter shock at the time. I need to always try to remember what the worst day of my life was and tell myself that nothing can top that. When I get upset - I've never been very rational though.
I can't go in to details as it most likely will never be resolved. I'm not sure how things stand with some people and whether some relationships are permanently damaged.
I just know that as I sat there on my bed crying - with both of my kids super upset - I realized how truly alone I was. I was able to calm both kids down - but had nobody to talk to or comfort me. Sometimes I forget that this is my life. I'm on my own. I'm hoping we aren't back to square one with Malea - I truly hope this didn't damage her more :(
It is so hard to have someone stand by you and support you for 15 years just not be there anymore. I've been without him for 3 years almost now and it still is hard to believe some days. I still remember how much he was there for me. I can still sit there and pretty much know what he would have said to make me feel better. Nobody knew how much he supported me - how great he was at both listening and advice. Sometimes he got mad that I didn't take his advice because it was just too hard for me to follow through on. He cared so much about me and wanted the best for me. I just wish I could not guess what he would say to me now and just know :(
Last night as I was waiting for Keagan to get out of the pool - our song was on at the hotel. I had not really even noticed that they played music until that point. It was very faint - but I'd recognize that song even very quietly in a loud room. Maybe he was telling me I would be ok? I can't convince myself of that....or dream about it. I wish he would just be in a dream or something - but instead I just have these crazy dreams instead of me being in band camp....lol.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)