I'm still crying almost daily. I went for a month or 2 without hardly crying at all. People keep saying (in general) to live how he would want you to. Well - I can say that I know Dave wouldn't be surprised. We once talked about what would happen if one of us died. I always said he'd throw a party if it was me - kind of made him made, but I felt he would be happy no to have the nagging wife any longer. He obviously didn't feel that way - but I thought that it wouldn't take him long to be fine. He just wasn't an emotional person - or at least didn't show it. He had basically 3 dispositions - angry, annoyed, or just fine. There was a big different to me between angry and annoyed - but most people just saw annoyed and just fine. He would never have been a super bubbly person. He smiled a lot - but just didn't show being overly happy. I think he was happy with us - I'll never know. I know in the last year he was very unhappy with his job - so I saw the annoyed side much more than ever. He always told me it wasn't me - he didn't want to burden me with how down his job made him. I appreciate that - he tried really hard not to bring it home. Luckily he was rarely like that with all the years at Target. He was fortunate to have so many people love him and treat him with respect. He had won many people over at American Axle - but some people just weren't ever going to respect anyone - and Dave had a hard time with that. Anyway....when we talked about how I would be if something happened to him - he had told me - I don't want you to cry. I looked at him (with tears already in my eyes just thinking about him not being around) and he changed his mind. He knew that was a completely unreasonable expectation. I know he wouldn't be surprised to see me still sad.
I feel like people think I shouldn't be crying anymore. Well - if someone actually said that to me - I'd probably say something not very nice back. I went through a pretty tough time many years ago that many know about. I did not get over that for a LONG time. I probably cried for a good 2 weeks pretty solid. I never got over it - it still haunts me, and I never cried about it again after I met Dave. Meeting Dave was the best thing that could have ever happen to me - we had a wonderful life. How can anyone get over that - I just don't understand.
Just today - I was reading a book on poverty that we have to read for our work book study. It just kept talking about single parenting and how kids do so much better in a 2 parent household. That did not help. We don't live in poverty - so it is much different for us- but just those words were so tough. My kids were so much better off with 2 parents and now they are just stuck with me.
Keagan's birthday is coming up soon - a little over a month away. I'm so sad to be starting with that - then Malea's bday, Christmas and then my bday :( I kind of want to go somewhere over Christmas and pretend that it isn't happening.
I just can't get in the happy zone that everyone else seems to be in.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)