I know my posts haven't been all that great lately....I'm not doing that horribly despite how my posts read. I'm just not in the best place - but I'm ok. So now on to my latest depressing sounding post.....every once in a while I just feel the need to blog how I'm feeling. I really don't post a lot of how I'm feeling (I keep everything bottled up until I explode - it isn't healthy I know). This is actually my only outlet though - and it makes me feel better. I suppose not many people probably read these and I guess I shouldn't care how they are taken - just goes back to my people pleasing. This is definitely not a people pleasing post - but I'm going to do it anyway.
It is not a surprise to anyone how much people like Dave and how it seemed that when he walked in to a room everything just got better. This was good and bad for me. I immediately knew once we started dating - or at least when we got engaged that everyone I knew liked him better than me. It was obvious. I don't blame anyone - he was a great guy. He really listened to people and appeared to actually be interested (he wasn't actually listening most of the time - but was great at pretending). I actually do listen to people - but I must not appear interested or something. I'm always thinking about a million things - and maybe it shows. I can do multiple things at once and I think people don't really think I can. Dave didn't believe me all the time - but I would always repeat back everything he said - it amazed him. I think part of my problem is my reactions to things - I'm very easy to read (so I've been told) and I'm sure people don't know what my reactions mean and I'm guessing they are generally taken the wrong way. I can't see my face - so I don't know. My kids always ask me, especially Keagan, "Mom, why are you making that face?" Half the time I don't know or it is a reaction to something I'm thinking about - other times they know the exact reason and will guess it right away. It is pretty funny I think - but probably not to other people. I've struggled for years with this...I can do well if I really think about it - I actually have a decent poker face - but it is only when I'm concentrating on one thing - which is very rare.
Anyway...sometimes it is really hard thinking about how the room will never light up when you walk in. It actually seems duller just because I walk in. Keagan is about the only one that thinks I'm still great. He remembers Dave as the disciplinarian - as he was much harder on Keagan than I was - but also spent more time with him. I have always been the disciplinarian with Malea - she had him wrapped around her finger. That is why things are so much harder for her. She doesn't think she can go to me and that is so hard. I am really trying to fix this - but fail pretty regularly.
It is really hard when your family would have easily traded you for him - I said that to him often that my family would keep him if something ever happened - and he knew it. The friends I used to keep in contact with would not seem him often due to his schedule - but always loved when they would see him.
I am actually really smart and can do lots of things. Dave would always brag about me with me going to school and juggling everything that I did. He was absolutely shocked when I figured out our major plumbing issue when we bought a sink that just didn't really work with our set up. It still works a year later ;) There is a still a lot I can't do - I'll never know much about cars (and don't really care to). If our lawnmower ever breaks - I won't have a clue how to fix it. I can't figure out our stupid weed wacker and how to change the wire or whatever it is called that cuts the weeds. I will never get up on our roof and try to put lights up or really do anything up there (luckily my kids both love to do that - so they'll have to). Our driveway and yard will never look as awesome as it did when he cleaned it - I just don't want to do that. My burgers will also never taste as good as his - but I do come close. I play the flute really well (even though I haven't played in quite a while) and I actually can and love to dance (though it is likely not many people will ever see this).
I know I already had low self esteem before Dave - but he helped me not to think of myself that way or put myself down. Sometimes it is just hard to face that nobody will ever lift me up like he did. Nobody will ever be able to say to me - you are great mother and our kids are so lucky to have you. He would be so upset at how I feel - but he would not be surprised.
I'm not posting this as a woe is me post. That is why I titled it The Hard Truth. People don't realize this is how it is and why it so much harder. It is hard to face this - but I have an must move forward and try not to think about it so much. I think about it almost every day - especially with how hard it has been with Malea.
I do feel blessed that I got to spend 15 years with him and he picked me. I don't think he ever felt that he was better than me but he did know that everyone liked him better. He did laugh that I would get so frustrated over it. Sometimes I got really mad - especially when he was annoying me. Why do people like you so much better? I can be fun and I'm smart....I never learned his secret :(
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)