I've been very blah lately. I've been thinking lately about how mad I am. I don't know who I'm mad it - God mostly I'm thinking. I know that many think it is bad to be mad at him. I've been trying to be positive - trying to ask him to give me the strength to get through this. I was hoping I'd be better - but I think that since Malea is doing better - it is allowing me to think more about myself. I'm not stressing as much about her and how she is going to be - I just have me to focus on :(
Malea has been more active and sociable lately. She still struggles with groups - especially if they are loud. She did really well at the fair though - even though she felt really bad with her cold. She's doing much better in school. She hardly is in her room much anymore - though she makes quite a mess in there still! She still has trouble with Keagan and I struggle with how to get her to love him and be nice to him. I just can't put myself in her shoes and not wanting to hang out with the cool dude sometimes.
Keagan is still ok - he is doing really well in school. He still doesn't want to read a whole book by himself. My problem with him is that he doesn't want to leave me. He wants to go with me everywhere and doesn't want me to leave him anywhere. He is luckily fine for school - it is just everywhere else that is the problem.
I've been very disappointed with my drywall work - so I haven't been doing well at the house. I don't have much time this week to work on it - but hopefully I can get it closer. Next week I have a few more days available to work on it. Hopefully my next house I can focus more and not be so scattered.
I supposed God could be punishing me for all that I've done in my life. Nobody is perfect and I certainly am not close. He's probably punishing me for not attending church as much as I once did. I feel like a horrible mother since I'm not getting my kids as involved as I once was. It is very difficult for me to go - I know how judgmental people are - and for a long time - when Dave was working weekends I thought people would think I was a single Mom, so I didn't go that much. I went at least every other week before Keagan was born. Then - things got crazy after Keagan was born - and we attended a lot less. We also left the church we were attending and that led to being churchless for quite a while. I know that isn't a good excuse - but now it is even harder. I see all these families and it is just so difficult for me. Everyone is just so happy - and I'm so not. The messages generally make me feel sad as well. Many of the messages are there to give hope - but I just don't get that :(
There are so many people that are much worse off than me. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I've always been fairly happy with what I have - I knew that I was blessed. I still am blessed to have my kids - but overall I just don't feel blessed any longer. I read an article today that says a strong sense of smell could show signs that you'll live longer. It really depressed me actually. I don't want to live longer - I'd like to live to see my kids grow up and be settled in to their jobs - and maybe get married. I'd at least feel like I accomplished something in my life that was worthwhile.
The next few weekends I have stuff going on - so I'm looking forward to the next month or so. I'm not looking forward to cold weather - but love the changes in the trees and I love not having to mow the lawn as much:) I need to get 2 heavy things moved from my garage in to the house so that I can park in there. I moved a bunch of stuff around and organized a few things in there - I just am not sure how I'm going to get one thing in the house and up the stairs. Hopefully I'll build up some muscles in the next week or so ;)
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)