Being a single women in today's world is not an easy task. I know many windows that have tried dating or are currently dating. They complain about it all the time. I would love to find someone, but honestly I don't think it will ever happen. I have too much going on to make time for someone else. I'm buying a house and don't plan on moving again - and Three Rivers doesn't have much to offer for things to do.
I don't plan on dating anytime soon. I just feel too broken to date. I don't feel like I have anything that I could give. It is still hard though. The loneliness is unbearable. Moving and selling 2 houses has give me a little bit of a distraction from the loneliness. Soon I'm actually going to move though and my houses will be done and it will be just me sitting at home with nobody to talk to. At least I plan on getting back to the gym 5 days per week as opposed to my current 3. That gives me something to do. Malea will be doing gymnastics again - so that will keep a night busy and put me down to just 4 days at the gym. I'm hoping to get something for Keagan to do as well.
Malea is trying to be more social and I think moving is going to help. I'm hoping she'll have people over more. I always hoped that their friends would also help bring me some adults to hang out with. Unfortunately - living in a small-ish town - that doesn't happen. People grew up here and have friends that they have had forever.
I have a few workout friends now at least. It is nice seeing them when we work out. I don't generally know much about them outside of work, but it is still nice that I might run in to people in the town and actually might know a few people. My gym is actually having a pool party this weekend. I already kind of had plans anyway - but I'd be way too nervous to go anyway. Who wants to go to a pool party with a bunch of skinny people when you aren't. I just couldn't do that. Someday I wish I could just talk to people and be normal - I know that is why I don't have any close friends. I'm not approachable and when I do talk - I just say the dumbest things (I'm assuming that). I get so nervous and while I'm generally an intelligent person - I can't talk intelligently to people that I don't know. My gym has many couples as well and I probably will never be comfortable again amongst other couples. It is hard enough in my own family - with other people it is way more difficult. I'm guessing that most people think that I'm divorced. There are a few people at my gym that know my situation - but it is a small percentage. I bring Keagan often - so they know that I have kids. I have no idea what they think - but widow is likely not on the top of their list. It isn't something I always want to explain. It brings the pity and I don't want that. It also brings more distance. I think it would be better if I were divorced. There are plenty of divorced people and they just love to compare ex stories. I don't have that - I loved Dave beyond words. I don't have bad things to say.....so talking about it just makes people realize it could happen to them and they don't want to think about that.
Widowhood sucks....the pain isn't as fresh as it once was. I'm much more used to doing everything on my own. My kids are getting older every day and more independent. Soon they'll not need me...and I dread that!!! I can't think about that or it gets me very depressed.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)