I know that when people die - the people left behind will always regret some action - or things that didn't happen. I looked for a little quote on regret - but nothing fit what I wanted to say.
I do not regret loving Dave or being his wife. I have, over the last year, judged my role as a wife:
~I don't keep the most organized house. It is very cluttered.
~I got mad at the stupidest little things.
~I didn't praise him enough.
~I'm not nice to look at.
While those things were true - I also was a pretty darn good wife.
~ I always did the dishes.
~ I always did the laundry (and folded it the way he wanted me to).
~ I generally made dinner including packing his lunch for his years at Target
~ I encouraged him to go out with his friends and very rarely told him that I didn't want him to go.
~ I wrote many papers for him.
~ I bought him way too many watches.
So - why is it that I'm always so down on myself? He did appreciate those things - even when I thought he wasn't. I tried to be everything he wanted me to be and always felt like a failure - but that wasn't his fault.
Last night I cried myself to sleep feeling like I didn't honor his last wish. The thing that he always said at every funeral that had an open casket - I don't want anyone to look at me when I'm gone. I refused to look at him when we had the chance. Looking back - I honestly l don't think I could have handled it. People would have had to pull me away or likely call an ambulance or something to remove me. I had him cremated and didn't have an open casket. I couldn't stop others from seeing them. I'm sure it is a closure issue - but I still feel bad about it.
I feel like I've lost so much more than just Dave - and I know I have. I've lost people along with much of myself.
There are people that make these hug pillows out of shirts worn by a loved one. I've debated on getting one made. Dave was no pillow - he was bony and not soft like a pillow. He certainly gave amazing hugs though.
You can't go back and make things up. You can't take back anything you've said. You can't undo most things that have been done.
The post that is going around by Sheryl Sandberg. It is right on about a lot of things. However - she's a public figure and has certain expectations. I don't know how old her children are and maybe she's normally a really happy person. She seems upbeat after 30 days. I wasn't doing the worst at that point - I was very numb at 30 days. It is very hard to grasp how hard everything will be....how lonely everything will be.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)