I was really hoping that 2016 was going to be a good year. I suppose it was better than 2014 by a long shot.
I had so much stress this year. I questioned so much this year. I don't know that I have answers to everything - but I certainly have questioned pretty much everything - my parenting, my faith, my talents, so much regret.
I did have some successes this year. I finally finished my flip house and sold it for a profit. I bought a new house and we've settled in fairly well. We took an awesome vacation as a family.
Of course - getting my car broken in to made me question more things. Should I have not gone on vacation - am I being punished for trying to do something positive? It certainly put a damper on the memory of the vacation :(
I didn't manage to lose any weight really. I did work out 2-3 times per week every week other thank this week. That is definitely a positive thing - I'm definitely stronger and I think I'm more fit than I've ever been - even though I don't look like it.
For 2017 I really hope that I can actually look better than I do today. I'd love to also be able to find a group of people that I could have book clubs with or something. I love my family - but it would be nice to do something with people that aren't only family. Maybe someone to see a movie with that isn't a kid's movie. I also hope to sell my old house. I'd like to end 2017 with only 2 houses. That is my goal for now. I don't think I'll buy another house to work on until 2018....I'll spend this year getting everything done in my house and getting set up to hopefully buy another house to fix up.
I'm really hoping for progress with Malea. Things are definitely better - but there have been new stresses come up this year. I guess she isn't in trouble with the law or doing anything bad like that. I should feel blessed - but I would like to feel like I'm not constanly failing at life.
I am glad to see this year end. I still have things that I have to figure out in 2017 left over from 2016 - but I'm really hoping for it to be a better year. I'm really trying and really think I deserve a better year.....Please 2017 be good to me.
I received my first Christmas card today. I don't get near as many as I used to - but it made me think. This card I received is from someone that has made promises to my kids and never followed through. I feel like them sending out a card is them doing their good deed of the year. I really appreciate the cards I get from people that I used to know really well, but don't see anymore because I moved so far away. I love that they have still thought of me over the years. It is the local ones I have a hard time with - if you are just sending me a pity card - I don't want it.
I hate this feeling I have - I'm really angry about some of the people that said they would be there for me. I really didn't think they ever would. People never really mean that they'll be there for you. I never say it to people unless I really mean it. I know if they live far away or I rarely see them - then I probably won't follow through with an offer - so I just say I'm praying for them. I can do that.
Everytime I see someone mention that they'll be there for someone - I want to laugh. I know that they are just saying that. Do people really think about what they say? Why offer when you don't really mean it? I understand if you really meant it at the time and then something happens and you can no longer follow through with it - I get that life happens. It doesn't happen to pretty much everyone you know though.
I know that I'm one of the least approachable people around. I am fairly independent. I didn't used to be that way. Growing up I probably was, but then I got married. I became very dependent on Dave. I pushed him to do stuff together and around our house. I grew up not hiring people to do things and wanted to save money and do the same for ourselves. I never understood why my Dad didn't wait for people to help him more. I know now that when you want to do something - you don't want to have to find people to follow through with their offers to help you. You feel bad asking and you don't want to hear excuses of why people can't help you. My Dad was always the first one to offer to help people out - but I really didn't see a lot of that come back to him. There were a few - but not near as many as those he helped. He was never one to ask for help - and I guess I take after him in many ways. He keeps to himself for the most part and is a pretty quiet person. When he talks you generally listen. You have to listen carefully because he really like to tell you things that aren't true....it took me a long time to realize he did this. I used to think everything he told me was the truth....but he can really elaborate on a story ;) Most of the time he stretches it pretty far though - so you realize that he's joking.
For those reading this....I just want you to think of someone that you could reach out to. Have you told someone that you'd be there for them....have you really been there? Have you checked on them and asked them how they are doing? I know people ask that every day - but if you ask someone and really mean it - wow does that mean the world. Expect them to not say that things are going well - those of us that have to be strong all the time rarely tell people how we are really doing. We go along pretending every day that we are ok - so many times we are lying to ourselves so much that we just say we are fine 99% of the time. I've even lied and said I'm good on occasion....as people got tired of me saying I was ok :( I'm rarely good....I'm barely ok....very few people really care. At least I'm not crying in my pillow every day....that is a step forward I suppose.
I really need to get in a better holiday spirit. I keep trying....I have a couple presents I need to buy tomorrow for our adopted family at work. I have a few more presents to buy for our family as well. Since we do Secret Santa gifts - the gift buying has become a little easier but more thoughtless. I need to be more thoughtful throughout the year for birthdays - hopefully this year I'll get more on time.
Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year. I love the lights and how everyone just seems happier through the season. I love the extra baking. I especially love hosting at my house. This year I won't be home for Christmas and this will be the first year we aren't spending Christmas morning at home. Dave and I decided once we had kids that we wanted to be home on Christmas. It was a really nice tradition. The last 2 years we were still home - but it has never been the same.
I do feel better this Christmas. I do miss him shopping with me and I'm glad this year that I am not doing gifts for my kids so I don't have to shop for them without him.
I love Hallmark movies but I don't know why I subject myself to them. They make me realize more how much I miss having someone to love me. I do hope that someday I'll have that again. They have plenty of widow stories on hallmark even - but of course everyone on the shows is so pretty and if they have kids they are these perfect kids. I love my kids but they definitely aren't perfect. I've spoiled them and they've been through a lot that it would be hard to relate to them. They are doing better but I don't know that Malea would ever be open to having a male figure in her life again. Keagan would love it and I really love to have a male rold model for him. I've love someone to talk to about my kids - just someone to tell me that I'm doing too much - or that I'm doing a good job. I know I've said that before. I've had people tell me that I'm doing a good job - but they don't see me every day - they only hear about things once in a while. I don't share all of our happy times or our worst times. Someday I'd just love to be taken out to dinner. I know that invovles me somehow meeting someone. I keep hoping that some single guy will come to my gym. So far - mostly couples work out there - or really young people. So - I'm not sure that will happen. Plus - nobody really talks there - we just work out.
We are so looking forward to our trip. We can't wait for sun and beach life. I was hoping to lose more weight before my trip - but this season of awesome food has not helped me with that. I have been working out more and eating a little better - but it isn't enough to see much progress. I saw myself in a video the other day and man - I looked like a cow :( I thought I had lost some weight but it definitely doesn't look like it. I really need to do something major - I'm just not sure what it will take.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas. I plan to take lots of pictures and post them when we get back ;)
This week has been a busy week...but a successful week. It was conference week. I never used to worry, but for the last couple years - I have dreaded going. It always goes well...but without Dave there - I always think they are going to tell me how horrible I am and how I need to make them focus more or something.
That is not how it went though. Monday was Keagan's conferences. I can tell by how he reads and the papers that come home that he is doing fine. He didn't get Meets Expectations in a few areas, so I started to get worried. His teacher said that he is doing just fine. He struggles with writing - always had. He really just hates writing. She said that he gets his work done and is testing fine so she isn't worried. She didn't lecture me about his homework not getting done or him being behind in AR books. I'm doing the best I can. I really want to get him reading more...he reads a lot, but could definitely read more. He still needs some help though - so I have to be home to sit down and read with him. Overall though - I'm very pleased with him. It is nice having a teacher that knew him in Kindergarten (not his main teacher) and knows how much he's grown in 2 years. He's on the right track and I love that. She really helped me realize that he needed glasses as well. She's a great teacher.
Malea's conferences were tonight. I wasn't dreading these as much as I did last year. They went very well. She still has a few grades that could definitely improve. She's completely capable - but I think it is more than just her grades. 3 of her teachers she has had in some capacity over the last 2 years. 2 of them she only had for exploratories so they didn't see her much. They still said that they can definitely see a difference. They can see that she's engaging with her classmates and overall just more there. She had one teacher last year all year and has him again. She did pretty decent in his class last year - and is doing fine this year as well. He said that he's really impressed with her this year though. She does not seem to be able to work well in the quiet though. Last year she was allowed to have her phone and always had music in. Her teachers never minded. One of her teachers this year thinks that her work actually suffers from not having that. She has worked in the hallway in that class where it is louder and got so much more accomplished. Most of her other classes are on the louder side. The classes that have more distractions - she's getting better grades in. That is quite interesting and I'm not sure how to help with this. I actually don't like the quiet either. If it is too quiet - I just want to sleep. I have always had to have the tv on or something while I'm doing my work. I can read in the quiet - but that is about the only thing I can do in the quiet. With Malea I think it is a coping mechanism....having the quiet makes her think more and it is better to not think about it too much. This is a good thing - too much quiet for me is not good and I know that. I can't dwell on it for long or it doesn't end up very good for me.
I know that grades are important and she has 5 high school classes out of 7 this year. I wasn't expecting that and didn't know that until after school started. I hate that she'll have almost a year's worth of credits already going in to 9th grade. I don't want her graduating early. However - with her teachers saying how much better they can see that she is doing makes me feel so good. Her therapist also said the same thing. It makes me angry that the Dr. made us both feel like we were doing such a bad job. I now feel better like I was feeling before we went to the Dr. It has made Malea feel better. The Dr. visit set us both back but now I think we are moving forward again. It really had set Malea back ...and I didn't help since I ended up crying at the office. I kept telling her after that that I was so proud of her and that she's been doing so well. I now have the proof from the school as well. I'm going to continue to celebrate that.
The other day we were talking about Trolls and I said that Malea reminded me of Branch (sorry if I'm spoiling anything here...). He had a death that he felt responsible for and wasn't like the other trolls. He had to find something that made him happy and then he could sing and dance again. Malea said that she hasn't found her happy yet. I think she's right - she hasn't found that something to make her go forward. I had the kids and that made me know I had to move whether I wanted to or not. Malea is slowly finding her way. She will never be like other teenagers - she's been through so much. I try to do as much as I can - but I know I can't be everything. I just pray that she finds her happy. It might not come this year - but I know it will come eventually. For now there will be small things and small advances that I will celebrate.
Every time I think things are going ok in my life and everyone is starting to move forward - I realize I've been living in a dream world and it really isn't going ok.
Things are really bad right now with someone in my family. Multiple issues going on and I have idea how to navigate it. I google it and the biggest suggestion is to talk it over with the other parent. Well....I wish I could do that. When you have no idea how to do something - you need that other person to bounce something off of. This was the original reason I started going to therapy - but it didn't help. They don't give you advice really - they aren't someone you can bounce ideas off of. If you have 2 scenerios - they can maybe help you weight the pros and cons of both - but they don't steer you one way or another. I don't have another option though.
My sleep is really starting to be messed up due to these issues. I'm making Keagan sleep with me again since I at least sleep a little better/longer with him in there. How sad is that??
I wish I was close with my Pastor and maybe we could talk - but I have never even really met the guy. He has no idea who I am.
Please keep me in your prayers. I'm really struggling.
I finally sold my first house!! That makes me sound like a realtor - but it was my house!! Until today, I had only purchased houses - I had never sold one! It feels good:)
I feel so much relief - financially especially!! I'm looking forward to having some savings again. I want to say I'm taking a break - but I still have quite a few more things to do at my other houses. I feel like I can start to focus on something else now though and breathe. House sales in Three Rivers have definitely slowed down - so I think renting might continue to be the best option. Hoping to be ready in mid-November. Right now I'm waiting on some electrical work.
I need to focus on my own kitchen - I need to measure it and get new cabinets lined up.
We've started planning family get togethers for the holidays. I think we have them all set. I really wish I had something planned with Dave's side. His 2 brothers don't talk, so there won't be a family get together :( This really saddens me. I'm starting to hardly feel a connection with his family anymore. His Mom still calls and sees us - but she doesn't do holidays so that won't matter anyway.
I was so pumped after my house sale today. I so wanted to call someone or text someone and express my relief. I had nobody to call though :( Nobody realizes how stressful this has been and how much this really helps me. I know I post a lot on facebook - it is my outlet. I probably annoy people and post too much. It is so hard not having that person to talk to - be proud of you. I think Dave would really love what I have done and how I'm trying to prepare for the future. I don't know though - maybe he'd think I was dumb for doing what I did. I have no idea :(
I remember when I hardly ever posted to Facebook. Looking at my Timehop - most everything before the last 3 years were just picture posts or posts about my kids. Sorry for bombarding everyone the last almost 3 years :(
I've been trying to dive in to some self help type education. I know that how I've been dealing with things is not ideal, so I can only go up from here, right? I had been doing pretty good - I was really seeing what I needed to change and have been trying to figure out how to not only know it - but put it in to practice. I'm good at knowing things - but putting them in to practice is another story. I don't just want to practice them - I want to change and have them be a normal part of my life.
I've been working on the physical side of me for a while. I have a LONG way to go, but after the outdoor park this weekend - I definitely know that I have improved. I wish I could see it on the outside - but it has to mean something about how far I've come, right?
This morning a pastor friend of mine posted a question on facebook. He wanted to know what the most damaging thing something has said to you and the most positive thing someone has said to you. I actually wanted to respond to this - I've been hurt plenty in my life. I realized something while thinking about that - I really can't remember much of what people said to me before Dave died. The most damaging thing in my life that was said to me: "He didn't make it". It ended my world as I knew it - the life we had planned and any plan we had for our kids. I could hardly remember anything positive after that. I've had a pretty good life - I did pretty well in school and at work so I know I've had plenty of positive comments. I just keep thinking how many people say - you are strong. That is both a positive and a negative. Yeah - I'm capable of doing things - however being that way also makes it so that people don't think I need any help. I've been trying to prove something to myself for the last 2 years - that I can do pretty much anything. I don't have a man to rely on and I don't want to pay for everything - so I set out to prove it. I did pretty good I'd say.
Then....Malea had a doctor appointment today. It was to go over her anti-depressant and stop seeing the psychiatrist. It didn't go well. Usually I like the person I requested to see - but she didn't have many positive things to say. I've been trying so hard and Malea has really been doing so well. I just lost it . I'm stretched to the max with all these appointments and they don't want to ease up and just wanted to add more. I cried for the 1st time in a while. She's like - don't you have family to help you? I do have family - but they don't live close enough. I begged and got some help this week - but I can't keep asking people to help me - plus it will start costing me more than I'm saving by not coming home.
I am supposed to officially be selling my Sturgis house - so that will free up some time. I really debated on whether I should give up my workouts today so I could cover the appointments for Malea. It is something I really look forward to though - I just can't do it. I don't think it would be good for the kids if I had to give that up. If anyone has any idea on how to clone myself - I'd really love to hear it.
I feel like I'm in limbo. I've been here so many times in my life - but this is truly the worst. We've been here before, but when you have someone to be there with you - it is much easier to navigate. We could talk about our frustrations and just lean on each other. Dave was always the glass half full type most of the time. He rarely ever stressed about things. It would always annoy me how laid back he was when I was pulling my hair out. It really worked for us though - I stressed out enough for the both of us. It was nice that he would always just believe that everything was going to work out. I miss having him here to calm me down. He would tell me to quit worrying as there was nothing I could do about it anyway. That is very true now - and I always jump to conclusions and think the worst is going to happen. Most of the time he was right and things worked out just fine for us.
I keep trying to think that everything will work out in the end. It is really hard right now. Everything is starting to fall apart. I'm having to come up with plan B's right and left to just hang on. I guess it is good that I have a plan B option - but that is soon to run out as well :( I don't have a plan C option. Unfortunately my Plan B is only for me and doesn't help the others that are waiting in the wings for this deal to go through :(
I am still working out and trying to stay on top of things. I haven't been able to add in an additional day back in - so I'm at 2-3 days per week. I've missed a few Saturdays because I just needed more sleep. My son has decided that I'm not allowed to take naps - so a sleep in day is the only way that I get caught up. I know that is supposed to be not the right way to do things - but that works for me.
I'm working on trying to rent out my old house. I've only had 2 showings so renting is going to be the best way to go for me. It gets me out of having to pay the utilities at least and cover at least some of my mortgage. I am hoping to be ready Nov. 1st - but I have to get an inspection and have some electrical work that needs to be done first. I might have to go a little later than that. I still have a few things there - but that won't take much longer. I also have some trim to get in there. I do have to figure out what I'm going to do with the truck. I don't really have a lot of extra places to park things at my new house. I hope to build a garage or pole barn in the next year - but that is another thing that has to wait on my Sturgis house to sell.
Keagan is doing really well in school. He didn't do so well on his reading test - but I'm not sure why. I don't know many other 2nd graders - but I really think he's doing very well. Malea was a good reader - but not very confident in 2nd grade. She wouldn't read out loud much and didn't read everything she saw. Keagan does both of those - so I actually think he is a little ahead of where she was in 2nd grade in regards to reading. She tested well though and he doesn't test as well. So - I need to figure out how to work on that.
Malea is doing ok. Her mental state is still really good. She's always talking to friends online and that is a huge move forward. She is doing better in school - but has started slacking the last 2 weeks and I'm struggling to know what is turned in and what is not. I'm working on getting access to more things so that I can keep track better. I hope someday I don't have to constantly hound her. My Mom never had to monitor my work - she wouldn't have been able to keep up with it! I bought paint for her room 2 weeks ago and have been waiting for her room to be clean so I could paint. It has not been as bad as her old room, but she still has so much in the garage that she doesn't have a ton of things to make it messy at this point. I'd like to get it painted so I can get some more stuff hung up and off the floor.
I have created a calendar and have been putting jobs on there for the kids every day. Most days it is working out ok. Some days no matter how much I hound them - they don't do them :( Yesterday was one of those days. I added twice as many jobs for them for today - so we'll see how that goes. I started giving them the job of emptying one box from the garage per day. If we each empty one every day - we should have the garage emptied by December:)
I've been missing Dave so much lately and really struggling doing so much on my own. Malea has had a lot of appointments lately and these are different than all of the appointments from the last year. These are for fixing actual problems with her that they have determined :( Nobody seems to have appointments after 3:30 - so that is a lot more running for me. Next week I found someone to help out - which is awesome. I still have to leave work early 2 days though. At least now it is only about 45 mintues and not 2 hours.
I haven't been sleeping well. I thought it was because I was too hot - and the solution of making it cooler worked for one night. Now I just can't get to sleep. I really think it is because Keagan is finally sleeping in his room. For the past 2 and a half years he has slept with me every night. He spent the night elsewhere here and there - but never for very long. I don't like sleeping alone. I never shared a room growing up - but after getting married - I never slept alone. I guess I had a few nights right before Malea was born when he worked nights and I was technically alone. I was very pregnant though - so who sleeps good then anyway. I have not slept alone for the past 16 years and now I've been sleeping alone for a week. It isn't going well.
On the house front - all inspections are done and I'm just now waiting on my invoices. I'm hoping to have the appraisal ordered next week. Hopefully it won't be long now...I would love to have this house sold by the end of the month. No movement on my old house - which is fine since I'm still doing work on it. I don't have very high hopes there - will be looking in to options to rent in the near future. I would at least get out of most of the mortgage payment that way.
I'm so proud of Malea. She is doing so well. She's been getting up on her own - she has been talking A LOT! She used to call me after school and just be silent - and now she tells me so much about her day. I'm really enjoying it. She's just so much happier and full of life. I'm hoping this is a good sign for the year. She seems to really like all of her teachers - no old teachers - Malea and older women don't seem to get along for some reason (like above 60). She has even packed a lunch 2 days in a row. I know this is just the first week - but I'm still very hopeful.
Keagan has been doing well as well - but he has had this major anger issue lately. I don't know how to control it. I can't do anything during these little tantrums. He didn't really throw tantrums when he was younger - and 7 seems a little old to start doing that. I don't know - he just gets so mad. I wasn't ever able to help his Dad with his anger - but he generally was able to redirect it. I just need to be able to teach Keagan how to do that. His Dad would be able to help in this area I think. He is so sweet 95% of the time - but that 5% can be so difficult. If it was just with me - I would be able to handle it better - but it isn't just me. I'm working on setting up a punching bag and hoping that helps a little bit. CrossFit kids starts up again soon as well - but most likely he can only do 1 night - so that doesn't help a lot. It is something though.
Things are finally calming down. I still have a TON going. I am still waiting to sell my Sturgis house. I actually got a good offer but they are having trouble getting a loan. I am trying to hold out hope, but starting to get a little discouraged since they are still waiting on the bank.
I am ripping carpet out of my old house and working on the floors upstairs - so that will take a little while to finish. I'm hoping to work on it every day this next week for as much time as I can. I then have some painting to do on a few of the walls and some trim to put up. One good weekend would get it done, but I don't have any of those. I'm kind of in a time crunch since it needs to be actively listed so I can have homestead on both houses for a while.
I had a feeling a crash was coming soon and I'm really feeling it right now. I knew once I didn't have the house to stress over - I would go back to my depressed self. I seriously thought about getting my meds updated earlier today. I'm just starting to lose faith that anything is going to go my way. I got the house I wanted - but I still have the stress of the other 2 houses to manage and I need to at least get rid of one to be able to breathe. I really want to believe that this offer will happen and they can get the house. I'd love for them to have it - they are a young family and it would be perfect for them.
I still have a lot to move and a lot of places to figure out where to put things in my new house. I'll feel better once we get the rest of our furniture on Monday. I need to find time to paint Keagan's dressers as well. I need a few more hours in the day!!!
I know that my other 2 houses need work and I really don't know when I'll get to them. I feel bad that I took too much on and spread myself far too thin. No matter what - I still have to sleep and my exercise is a priority - but even that has slipped a little. I feel guilty any time that I sit down - but man - I really need a break sometimes.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)