Since I didn't post the best update yesterday and I've realized that my updates have really been quite sporadic. I don't want to only post negative things.
Keagan is doing very well in 3rd grade. He seems to like his teacher. He is always using these new big words and in the right context. That is one of my most favorite parts about watching your kids grow. He has suckered our exchange students in to being his own personal friends. He always convinces one of them to entertain him every day. They either go on the trampoline with him, ride bikes or this week he was trying to teach Dema to do a cartwheel ;)
Malea is doing well overall. She currently has all A's and this is so great for me and her. She's really focusing on this since she's all about going to a good college. She has her permit and is driving as much as she can. I have turned in to the crazy Mom. Seriously - it is quite stressful driving with a new driver. She really isn't that bad - she just likes to speed and also likes to turn corners really fast!!
I was talking to her the other day about the last 3 years. She's really grown. She actually said that she's glad this happened to her when it did. Not to sound heartless either. She greatly misses her Dad. She isn't happy that she's gone. However she really likes the person she is turning in to. She has more empathy and just is all around a better person due to what she's gone through. This was an awesome discussion to have with her. I have had similar thoughts myself.
Then there is me :) I'm currently doing quite well. I am not doing well with my diet and exercise. Having 4 kids and all that goes on with them is a lot more than I thought it would be. I never have time to get to the gym. I generally only have 1 free evening and that is spent goingto see James. Then there is James. He is seriously the bright spot of every day for me. I wish I could see him every day, but at least I get to talk to him daily. He listens to me and that is what I need. He doesn't have a lot of advice for me for what I've gone through - but he listens. Sometimes that is all I need. He's there to tell me "It will be ok". For some reason - I just need to hear that sometimes. We generally spend 3 days per week together. One evening during the week at his house and then on the weekends he comes to see me usually Friday and Saturday or just Saturday.
James checks off every possible item that I would have ever thought of to put on a list. The only thing that I would change would be for him to live closer. When I need a hug (which is far too often probably) - I wish I could just run over and get one. Two hours round trip is probably a big long for a hug.
I am a different person than I was when I was with Dave. As Malea said about herself that she's appreciative that she went through this. I am as well. I would not wish it on anyone. God knew what he was doing though. We are going to have an amazing life together and for that I am very grateful!!! I just have to be patient in the mean time - which is quite difficult for me to do ;)
Every time I think I move forward and Malea moves forward - something pops up. Grief is a horrible thing, but really that isn't even part of this issue. It just makes us feel things more deeply.
For many years I struggled with the fact that people don't care about me. I have a few people that do - and I have a lot of people that I have wanted to keep in contact with. If I want it - it is all me. If I don't reach out - I don't hear from them. It gets tiring being the only one that reaches out.
Guess what? - I really am over that. I stopped trying about a year ago. I was tired of feeling sad as to why people didn't want anything to do with me. Now it is because I was sad over losing Dave I am sure. However - it was before he died that it was just as bad. I had him though and he was all that mattered. I worried about my kids all the time - because I felt the same way about them. He felt the same way. Dave always said that they had us and that was all that mattered. Having me be the only one now - really does suck.
This was a big discussion with Malea last night. She is now realizing this. She thinks if she were to die - absolutely nobody would care (except me). Do you know how that made me feel? It really sucks. You know what sucks even more - I can't tell her any different. It is sad that in some ways she really has pushed people away. She's made it kind of difficult to get to know her. She's actually doing really well now. She has some really good friends. She's so scared that I'm the only one that cares though. I know James would be there for her and I told her that. She is scared to let anyone in - because nobody stays :(
I have lots of family - they love us and I know they care. People are just busy with their own lives. I finally realize this and really try to be aware of it. The truth is - if you really want to be in someone's life - you will make time. I know that is true and I really suck lately especially with trying to make time for some people. I get people being busy - I'm one of the busiest people I know. If I am invited to something - I try to make it work.
I don't want anyone saying that they care - I know people will say that. I just want people to think about it. We really are doing very well. As a family we are doing awesome. Things are going well and we have lots of really happy days. Some days we just get beat down and well we'll get back up. I just wish this wasn't reality. I'd love to hear from anyone else in the same boat and how you work it out.
I realized that my last post was all the way back in April. Wow!! Not sure what that means.
Well I was pretty busy with various things. I had also been trying to seriously date. I went on a couple - well 4 - they were all very nice. I knew I was ready for the possibility of love again. I knew I'd be really picky because well I had a great guy and I deserve the best.
It isn't that easy dating as a widow. It actually really sucks. Most of the time I didn't tell people right away that I was a widow. I always ended up telling them fairly soon because well it is a pretty big deal. I always have my kids - granted Malea can babysit Keagan now - but still they are always around. I can't really ship them off somewhere and there is no Dad to have them every other weekend or anything. Also - if anything ever worked out - my kids would be around and they'd have to be willing to have them be around.
I've tried online dating for a little over a year now.
I have never felt more alone than I did yesterday.
It was definitely not the worst day of my life - it will be hard to top that day. I was in utter shock at the time. I need to always try to remember what the worst day of my life was and tell myself that nothing can top that. When I get upset - I've never been very rational though.
I can't go in to details as it most likely will never be resolved. I'm not sure how things stand with some people and whether some relationships are permanently damaged.
I just know that as I sat there on my bed crying - with both of my kids super upset - I realized how truly alone I was. I was able to calm both kids down - but had nobody to talk to or comfort me. Sometimes I forget that this is my life. I'm on my own. I'm hoping we aren't back to square one with Malea - I truly hope this didn't damage her more :(
It is so hard to have someone stand by you and support you for 15 years just not be there anymore. I've been without him for 3 years almost now and it still is hard to believe some days. I still remember how much he was there for me. I can still sit there and pretty much know what he would have said to make me feel better. Nobody knew how much he supported me - how great he was at both listening and advice. Sometimes he got mad that I didn't take his advice because it was just too hard for me to follow through on. He cared so much about me and wanted the best for me. I just wish I could not guess what he would say to me now and just know :(
Last night as I was waiting for Keagan to get out of the pool - our song was on at the hotel. I had not really even noticed that they played music until that point. It was very faint - but I'd recognize that song even very quietly in a loud room. Maybe he was telling me I would be ok? I can't convince myself of that....or dream about it. I wish he would just be in a dream or something - but instead I just have these crazy dreams instead of me being in band camp....lol.
Malea wasn't feeling well today. Unfortunately she seems to be taking after me and starting to get migraines :( We'll have to figure out what to do about it. I didn't start getting them until high school. I think it has something to do with school. Things get more stressful in school younger now and she's taking quite a few high school classes. We didn't discuss it much at the doctor. They couldn't really do anything for me either. However hers do seem worse than mine were. I don't remember missing school for mine. She keeps getting this horrible vertigo with hers. We go back to the doctor in 3 months to check her blood again, but I might have to try to get her in earlier.
Since Malea stayed home today and I already got a late start to the day I just started out in a bad mood. I gradually got worse and just started getting very angry at Dave. Why did he leave me? I have too much on my plate and could really use an extra hand. He would have been able to help. I'm so stressed with the lack of time I have left through the end of the year. I really wanted to chaperone Keagan's field trip and I just really can't with how little time I have left :( He's not too happy about it. I always try to make it a point to chaperone since I don't get to do too much else with the class. I didn't chaperone this trip for Malea - Dave did - so I feel like I should really try to do it. I just don't think I have the time :(
I drive by the tree every day. Today I just looked at it and was so angry. Why do I have to be here doing all of this by myself? Why do I have to go about my day telling random people all the accomplishments I'm making when he would be so happy for me and so encouraging. I seek out other people to be as excited as I am. It is so dumb....wish I didn't feel the need to brag or have other people join me in my excitement. This challenge has been great because we have to tell people about what we do to get the points. That ends Friday so I won't be doing that anymore.
Grrr....I don't like being mad at him.
Imagine having a love so great that it makes you happy every day. Think Noah from the Notebook. He loved Allie so much even throught their time apart and she obviously loved him too. Their love was so great.
Now imagine that love blossoming in to a beautiful family. That man turned in to such a great father. He still showed great respect for the mother as well since he would constantly reprimand the children for not respecting her. He was the fun Dad - always thinking of adventures to take the kids on. Reading to the kids and making up funny stories when they didn't want to go to bed. He gave the best horse back rides and could throw the kids in the pool better than anyone.
Now imagine that you are the woman that has all that. Wouldn't you think your life was a fairy tale? You were blessed beyond what you deserved. You had your moments where you didn't appreciate what you had - but after thinking about it - you always came back to remembering that you had it better than most. You had a great love and a great father. It is pretty rare to have both in the same man.
Now imagine - that all of that is taken away in the blink of an eye :( Life goes from on top of the world to the gates of hell in 3 minutes (I always think of it that way since I talked to him 3 minutes before he died). That is my life.
How do you think about the future with anything but dread when you had what I had? How do you look at your children without thinking of all that they are missing out on not knowing their father. Not having him there to walk your daughter down the aisle. Not having him there to teach your son how to ride his mountain bike through the trails. They are both so much like their dad. They have his love of adventure. I can see that dwindling the more they hang out with me - since I lack that capability.
Doing a study on forgiveness didn't really help me. I feel like I blame myself for a lot - but it is all stuff that I didn't put on myself - it just happened- but I don't know that there is anyone or anything to forgive. I feel like it is something I need to forgive - not a someone. I feel like I need to forget and not forgive. I need to forget what I had. How can I do that? That would be forgetting about the best part of me.
Reading "The Shack" has helped a little actually. However - he actually had things to forgive - someone killed his daughter. He held all that resentment and rightfully so. Nobody took Dave - at least not that I know of. It was a fluke accident or maybe a purposeful accident - I'll never know the answer to that. I could forgive him- but I don't really blame him. I don't feel like he would have left us on purpose. The dreams right after he died made me think that it was just a fluke accident as well. The book alludes to the fact that God didn't make the sadness happen - and he could have intervened - but only by not creating man in the first place. That makes a lot of sense to me. It is still hard to wrap my head around.
Before anyone says I need counseling - it really doesn't help. It doesn't get my lawn mowed, or the trash out. It doesn't get my closet built or my oil changed. It doesn't pick up anything at the store that I need when I don't feel good or pick up dinner. I have very little availability to do stuff with Malea alone. We always tried to make sure that happened on a pretty regular basis - we would go on dates with each kid several times per year. Then we would also make sure to get dates together once in a while. That probably happened less often. Dave got plenty of nights out with the boys as well. Occasionally Dave would make sure to take the kids out so that I could clean the house without the distraction. I can't even remember the last time I was able to do that.
I just wish people could imagine more what it is like to be living what I'm living. Maybe I'd catch a break rather than the constant judging that I get instead. Or even the 'I'm sorry's' - with fake 'if you need anything let me know' words behind that.
I am doing better - we all are doing better. We'll never be like we were before though.
I'm hoping Malea will be happy in the future - that she'll have wonderful friends. She'll see how much potential she has and that she'll thrive and see that her life can be amazing.
My hope for Keagan is that somehow we find someone that will take him fishing. Someone that will teach him how to catch a ball or play basketball with him. I try - but I don't even know how to play. That he won't fall through the cracks but I lack so much free time to be able to do stuff with him. I hope he develops some friendships that will maybe help teach him some things that only boys seem to know without the agressiveness that may come along with it.
I just hope that I can live a long life and be an amazing Grandma to my grandkids. I hope that is a long way off - but maybe only about 10 years or so away. I hope that my kids don't move too far away and that I don't feel like a burden to them. I hope that I can lose the weight I'm trying to lose and actually be happy with the way I look for once in my life....and keep it that way.
Earlier in the week I posted about forgiveness. I have always been one that forgives very easily. I give so many second and third chances - and it hasn't always been good for me. I just think that there is so much good in people and I'm nice - so I hope they see that and not let me down. However - one way that I forgive people is to blame myself. They wouldn't have wronged me if I was a better person or if I would have treated them differently. This always is what eats at me. I always think if I were better then people wouldn't treat me bad.
I have a few people that I'm struggling with right now - the main issue that I wonder is how do you forgive someone that is constantly being mean. I could forgive them - and I generally do - but they just keep doing the same thing over and over again. I think one particular person is just a mean spiteful person anyway. It isn't someone I can part ways with either as I can't control that they are in my life. They certainly make my days very sad and lonely though and I really try to avoid them at all costs.
My real issue is me. I struggle so much with holding on to a lot that I can't control. I have the same issue with me and wondering how I can forgive myself when I will do the same stuff over again:
How can I forgive myself for not being enough for my kids?
How can I forgive myslef for not knowing that Dave was on the road when I was talking to him minutes before he died?
How can I forgive myself for being only ok at pretty much everything?
How can I forgive myself for something I don't know how to explain?
I'm constantly beating myself up about my lack of close friendships and what I'm doing that people don't like. I wish I could just go up to people and say - what is so wrong with me? I'm really nice I think - but maybe I complain too much. I have a hard time if anyone gives me a compliment and I rarely tell the truth when people ask how I am. I don't just tell random people that I lost my husband - other than my small group last week - I usually wait quite a while before I say something about it. It is hard because I want people to know that I'm not a single Mom by choice and I'm not divorced. Then they look at me with sad eyes and say they are sorry. I just wanted them to know - I'm still me - I may not be the same person I was before - but I have a lot to offer. I actually think I'm pretty amazing in many ways. I can do so many things that some people can't even imagine. However - I don't want to sound conceited either.
I really didn't think this forgiveness thing would be so hard. I guess I never thought about how much I have going on that I need to forgive myself for. I'm holding on to most of it and I don't know how to let go of it. Counseling could maybe help - I've gone to 2 different counselors and I tried to contact another one. They all want me to make friends - I've been trying for about 19 years and it hasn't worked well so far. I guess going to small group is a step - but that only is another 2 weeks - so then I have to figure out something after that. Crossfit is the closest thing I've had to friends in many years. I don't always talk to people there - but I feel like they are all friends since we're going through the same crazy things together. We are all in different places in our lives but for that hour - we are all making our bodies do what it doesn't want to do!! That is the best thing for me really. After this week - I really am going to try to at least make 1 regular CF class. Hopefully I'll be at my old house less and maybe it will sell....it certainly would take one huge burden off my shoulders!!
I know that is a stupid question. There isn't a way to know if what you are doing is the right way to go or if you are making a bad decision. You can only go with how you think and feel at the time of the decision. You may constantly question it and come back to it and realize you went the wrong way - but there are no certainties in life.
Malea has been struggling lately. She's actually doing really well. She's been very happy and we haven't had too many issues where we butt heads lately. It is nice to be in that place. However - she's having a tough time with friends. She currently doesn't have any friends. She says she has people to talk to at school - but they would never hang out. She's just in a tough place. I remember being there. For me -it happened in 6th grade. She's had a rough couple of years. I'm sure she's pushed some people away that will never come back. I think she attracted some of these so called friends because of how down she was. I can't say that I'm sad at the loss of a couple of these friendships. I never have felt that they were good for her. I have never felt that she had any friends that truly cared about her. I suppose you don't really ever have that in middle school.
Unfortunately for her - I'm in the same boat and have been for the past 20 years. I don't have one person that would hang out with me either. I have people that I occasionally talk to when I see them. Most of those people I don't even know their phone number - but even if I did - I woud never call them. However - I think Malea is pretty awesome. Her love of anime and horror films is quite strange to me - but other than that - she's pretty fun. Just last night she was rolling around the floor laughing becasue she couldn't stop. Granted - she was laughing at me and my lack of being able to be as flexible as her - but it was nice to see her like that. Sometimes I feel bad that she's the person I go to for advice - to ask her if my outfit looks ok. I normally don't think she's listening to me or telling me the truth - but she's the one I go to.
Malea is seriously thinking of changing schools next year. She wants to go to the district I work in. I had planned on maybe switching Keagan in 2 years. Next year my favorite teacher will be his teacher and I want to keep him there. It would be hard allowing her to do anything extra if she's 45 minutes from home. I could keep a closer eye on her from here for sure. I just don't know. I like Three Rivers and I like that any event she would do is very close to our house. She rarely has friends over now - so it would be nearly impossible with the distance of the new school. If I had not just bought our house and really love it there - I would just move. We wouldn't get as nice of a house and definitely wouldn't have a pool if we decided to move though. I'm just really in a tight spot trying to weight the options.
There isn't one thing that is good about single parenting. At least I haven't found it. I'm fortunate that I have only been a single parent for 3 years. I know what it is like to not be a single parent. It was pretty awesome. We were great partners. We each had our kid - Dave had Malea and I had Keagan that we had wrapped around us. Dave was so hard on Keagan - mainly because he was just his curious little kid that got in to everything and just was always on the go. Malea was a pretty easy kid - and didn't get in to everything. She could ask Daddy for anything and he'd get it for her. Don't get me wrong - I love both of my kids - I think just Malea takes more after me and Keagan more after Dave - so I think you always butt heads more with the kid more like you. Malea was just always more Daddy's girl and it killed me at times - so I was glad that Keagan was more of a Momma's boy.
I miss that united front, that sounding board though. I have some people (family members) that try to stick up for me and try to tell my kids to listen. My kids don't take well to that - they kind of think - you aren't my parent - what are you doing. I know I would have felt the same way. Dave didn't exactly have the best time getting them to listen to me either. I was so mean this weekend - I was just really crabby most of last week and wasn't very nice. My meaness was warranted - I'm tired of doing most things by myself - but I still felt bad with how much I was yelling. It isn't like it helps - they just get upset and that makes them work even slower.
Sometimes I just need a break - but my only break is when I'm at work or working out. Keagan always wants to go everywhere with me - so I don't go to the store or anything usually without him. I feel bad if I do anything without either one of them. Sometimes I think - I'll go to the store on my way home from work - but usually I'll talk myself out of it because I just feel bad getting home later.
They are older now and Malea can keep an eye on Keagan (he doesn't really need one - but at least she's there if something major goes wrong). I just like to at least pop in and check on things before I do something else.
I also miss Dave telling me to chill out. He knew when I was at my breaking point and would just be like - "Ange - chill out - I'll take care of it." I would be mad that he would say that - but it really did help. He certainly didn't clean up every day - but there were days I would come home to a pretty clean house. It was always so nice. That definitely doesn't happen now. It certainly could - my kids are capable - but they never do it. Their idea of clean and mine are just not the same. A room can have trash laying everywhere and they still think it is clean - it gets on my nerves. I know that this definitely is an all parent thing - not just a single parent thing. I asked them the other day if I was going to have to come to their house and clean because they were incapable. They said no - but I have my doubts. They both should wear glasses - but I'm still pretty sure they can see that a room is not clean. Is it really that hard?
I got my house about 75% clean this weekend - was hoping to be in the 90% - but didn't happen. I did manage to bring in some more stuff from the garage and get rid of a box in my office. I'm getting there - slowly but surely. I had not been bringing much in from my garage lately - but I really need to. I still have quite a few things that I'd really love to find. I still never found my wireless vacuum - so annoyed that it went missing. I have the charger - but the vacuum disappeared. I think I looked in every box at least for that - and never found it.
Malea has been doing really well the last couple of weeks. She hangs out upstairs a lot more and we've played a couple of games lately. I've heard her on the phone a couple of times as well and her teachers have really noticed a difference. She has been trying to be more helpful to me as well - she just still doesn't do some things because she says I just do it better. They both say that - that doesn't mean they shouldn't try. I'd be totally fine with a job 75% finished and I just have to touch it up. It still saves me time - they just don't seem to get that I work all day, am working on 2 houses, do the laundry, dishes and cooking almost every day - as well as I didn't make half the messes in the house!!
I was sitting in church the other day waiting for the service to start. I've questioned so much over the last few years. I'm no closer to answers though it seems.
In high school I was so strong. I even would have some debates at lunch with some other students about the existence of God. I didn't have any doubts then. I was just so positive that he was there for me . I went to pretty much every youth group activity and went to church 3 times per week. I didn't work on Sundays so that I could go to church. I rarely missed a Sunday.
Everything changed in 1998. It was a horrible year for me - bad breakup, one of my best friends was severely injured and I moved to the other side of the state. I still tried to get involved in the church my parents were married in. It wasn't what I was used to - but I still tried and went every Sunday. I didn't have that group to keep me grounded.
I didn't really have much of a group at church before I moved either since most of my friends were away at college - but I did have a few. I was the co-activities director for our youth group and it was a blast doing that. With my friends mostly away and my family moving - I had no choice really but to move as well. I didn't want to - but I did.
I really wasn't a fan of the church I was going to but with my lack of being able to make friends - I wasn't very good at trying to find another church to go to. I met Dave and he would go with me as well. Once we got married we still attended - but there were some issues there and we knew we'd be moving - so we planned to look elsewhere. Dave had his own issues with religion and had a horrible experience growing up in the religion he did. He did get invovled with the softball team but not much after that. Once he got a job at Target - he worked every Sunday and it was very sporadic for him to go to church with me. Once we had kids I kept trying to go every week - but I started skipping services more and more. Once I had Keagan - and we discovered all of his allergies I was afraid to put him in the nursery - so I went until he got too crazy to keep with me.
I was determined to keep my kids in church which is why they've always been in AWANA. There was a time though when we went to quite a few different churches and didn't really have a home church.
Fast forward to Dave's death and it was not a good time for me. I didn't have a home church - I was still trying to find one. Dave was working so much that on the weekends he didn't work - we went out as a family since we hardly saw him. It was so hard to figure out what to do for the funeral.
With some encouragement from family members - I sought out another church and found the one I'm attending now. I feel better here than some of the other churches I attended for sure. I still feel like a huge outsider. I've tried to get involved - but with my schedule I keep finding that I can't hardly make any meetings to try to get involved more :(
I don't know if fitting in to the church is the answer. I just feel so far from God. I feel like he couldn't care much less about me. I certainly haven't felt him protecting me or watching out for me over the last 3 years. I'm not even talking about him taking the love of my life - that was a crap thing to do. I know that is probably not nice to say - but it wasn't very nice. Blah Blah Blah - there is supposed to be a plan. Still waiting to see what kind of plan there is for me. I think it might be - let's just see how much Ange can take....like a game or something. Maybe he likes to have fun and my life is humorous to him. I don't know.
I'm just not in the best place and I keep trying to push through this and I don't know how to. I'll take a step forward and then 20 steps back. I guess I keep moving forward though, right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
I'm still not sure if this church is where I should be - but don't have another place that I've checked out. I do have a few people that say Hi to me and talk to my kids - so for that I think I'll stay put for a little while.
Please just pray for me - I still hope that something good comes out of my life and hope that what I've done so far in my life isn't all that I have to show. I really feel like I'm meant to do something with this crappy hand that I was dealt. The thing that I've really been thinking about strongly over the last year keeps coming up and I'd love to do it. I just don't know how or if it could even be possible. It would be a non-profit type thing and I don't know anyone that knows anything about that. From what I've read - that is what I need to start with - talk to people about what I want to do and get advice - so not good at that.
Well - that is enough rambling and I don't know what the point of this was...but there it is. Sorry for any misspellings or grammatical errors- I'm not proofing it right now.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)