I don't know when I started seeking out praise. I know I was quite young though. I can't remember a time when I didn't try to make people happy. I wish someone would have told me long ago - that it would make life so much more difficult to try to do that. I know that this is a huge downfall of mine and I don't know how to break it.
I know it comes down to me being happy with myself. I've never felt good enough for anyone - and certainly never felt good enough for Dave. I always thought I was never enough. It sucks now that I wasted so much time thinking that - especially since I have heard from many people how he never complained (I'm sure there had to be times - but nobody has said that he actually did) about me and it was obvious that he loved me.
I have always thought I was an ok Mom - definitely not a bad one - but not a good one either. I don't spend enough time reading books to Keagan or teaching him to tie his shoes (long overdue...and I just caved and bought shoes that don't need to be tied....). I'm always mad at Malea about her lack of trying and not helping me. I am always trying to counteract things with her and praise her when she improves a grade or letting her know it is ok to cry. She finally did cry the other day and said that she doesn't cry because she feels it is the only thing she can control :( I totally get this feeling....I give her props for being able to control her emotions - I suck at doing that. I'm sure being 12 (I remember middle school being hard - I had no friends in 6th grade - but I don't remember a need to control anything - but who knows - maybe I was really a brat then.) Maybe this goes back to me being a people pleaser though as well...I tried to do everything I could and did my chores and kept up my grades - because I thought people would be mad at me. Malea doesn't care if people are mad at her...she's the complete opposite from me in that way. I care too much and she doesn't care enough. I think that is where and why we butt heads so much. She did care about her grades before Dave died - but she didn't care about her chores or helping out since forever. I do always get her to do something....she just doesn't stick with it.
I think Keagan is a people pleaser to a point. He loves to make people laugh and knows when I get mad he better try to help. He does always try - but gets distracted easily as well. He does get things done fairly quickly and usually doesn't just throw it in another room - he does actually put things away. If only I could get him to not be crazy! He really wants to pretty much run everywhere - why does he have so much energy??? I'm so looking forward to spring....he needs to get some outside play in! He always wants to go to the store with me - and most of the time I let him. When I get there though - I think I say every time - next time you are not coming with me! If only he could put this energy in to flipping this house with me....when we get there - he rarely wants to do anything! Although - he has loved using the sledge hammer and breaking up the tiles. Amazing how many like doing that - my siblings and niece are having a blast doing that - I hate the noise!
I did make some decisions on my own this week - buying some tile (the kids did weigh in a little here), buying a tub and the faucet. These may not sound big to you - but I never have just picked something on my own. I always asked Dave's opinion. It is hard picking stuff when it isn't yours and trying to make sure that it could appeal to hopefully everyone.
I didn't get much accomplished this weekend. Part of it was because of going shopping and looking for kitchen stuff, and my sister was in town - so we all got to see Nolan (still adorable and getting so big). I'm working on plumbing for the shower (was only a tub before) and realized it was a much bigger project than for a Sunday - so I just decided to come back this week and get started. I also needed some more stuff (it really sucks not having a home improvement store in Sturgis - they have a hardware store - but everything is much more expensive there - so I don't want to buy much there) so I'm just going to get that accomplished this weekend. Hopefully I'll have the tub installed with the plumbing and the floor set for the tile this weekend. Then I can focus on purchasing the toilet and sink and then do the walls. I will feel so much better to have at least one room beautified ;) I'm tired of looking at just demo work. I think this is why Nicole Christie (from Rehab Addict) seems to focus on one room at a time. At least that is how the show works - it has to help with seeing stuff come alive. I seem to get overwhelmed and go from room to room working on things. It would probably be much easier to just focus on 1 or 2 rooms - or maybe even one end of the house. I'm kind of doing one end now - since after the bathroom I'll work on the 3 bedrooms at that end of the house. At least those just need paint and carpet - looking forward to that - easy peasy ;)
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)