I've been really down lately. Pretty much my whole life - I have hated being alone. I rarely spent time in my room as a child. I was always either with my Mom or playing with my siblings. I did read a lot, once I could read, but I still read with other people around me. I'm not a huge fan of silence - I have to have a tv or a radio on or something - just silence is not a good thing for me.
There is a verse in the Bible that says It is not good for man to be alone. Of course this is a totally different reason and context - but for me - it is true. I'm my own worst critic - always have been. If I got a bad grade on something - I would always say my parents would kill me - but of course they never did. They really didn't even say much, because they knew that overall I would be fine.
I find that the more time I spend alone - the more negative I become. Keagan is pretty much the one one I regularly spend time with - and of course he is always praising me. He doesn't know any better now - and I'll be sad to see the day when he realizes what he thinks isn't true. Malea spends all her time in her room - and while she isn't negative towards me all the time - she is fairly negative. I keep trying to be positive about her and tell her all these great things about her. She is like me though - and doesn't believe me.
It sucks that I've passed this on. Dave would get on me and never let me say negative things. He's no longer here and while I hear him in my head after I say something - I still say negative things and I can't take them back. 99% of the time they are always about me.
I don't berate my kids - I've never been like that. I probably put them too high on a pedestal most of the time.
I'm just afraid that the more I'm alone - the more I'll turn in to this horribly negative person. I hate those people :(
It isn't like I go anywhere anyway. I go to work - where people don't ever talk to me. I go home - where sometimes we go a whole evening with barely saying anything to each other (other than conversations about food) because we're all so tired. I go to the house - where most of the time I'm working and if we do talk it is about Malea or breaking up fights among the kids that are there. I don't even usually interact with anyone other than the drive-thru. I use the self checkout at the store and use the ATM at the bank. Those people wouldn't be lifelong friends or anything anyway - so I figure - why bother.
I have been fearing when the kids get older and move out - but maybe I'll just be used to my negative self by then. I'll just wallow in my misery alone. I won't have any cats - since I'm allergic. I'll most likely have a dog - since the kids love having one.
At one time - fitness was becoming my best friend. I wish I could get back to that. At least I'd be a good looking negative person....
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)