I've been trying to dive in to some self help type education. I know that how I've been dealing with things is not ideal, so I can only go up from here, right? I had been doing pretty good - I was really seeing what I needed to change and have been trying to figure out how to not only know it - but put it in to practice. I'm good at knowing things - but putting them in to practice is another story. I don't just want to practice them - I want to change and have them be a normal part of my life.
I've been working on the physical side of me for a while. I have a LONG way to go, but after the outdoor park this weekend - I definitely know that I have improved. I wish I could see it on the outside - but it has to mean something about how far I've come, right?
This morning a pastor friend of mine posted a question on facebook. He wanted to know what the most damaging thing something has said to you and the most positive thing someone has said to you. I actually wanted to respond to this - I've been hurt plenty in my life. I realized something while thinking about that - I really can't remember much of what people said to me before Dave died. The most damaging thing in my life that was said to me: "He didn't make it". It ended my world as I knew it - the life we had planned and any plan we had for our kids. I could hardly remember anything positive after that. I've had a pretty good life - I did pretty well in school and at work so I know I've had plenty of positive comments. I just keep thinking how many people say - you are strong. That is both a positive and a negative. Yeah - I'm capable of doing things - however being that way also makes it so that people don't think I need any help. I've been trying to prove something to myself for the last 2 years - that I can do pretty much anything. I don't have a man to rely on and I don't want to pay for everything - so I set out to prove it. I did pretty good I'd say.
Then....Malea had a doctor appointment today. It was to go over her anti-depressant and stop seeing the psychiatrist. It didn't go well. Usually I like the person I requested to see - but she didn't have many positive things to say. I've been trying so hard and Malea has really been doing so well. I just lost it . I'm stretched to the max with all these appointments and they don't want to ease up and just wanted to add more. I cried for the 1st time in a while. She's like - don't you have family to help you? I do have family - but they don't live close enough. I begged and got some help this week - but I can't keep asking people to help me - plus it will start costing me more than I'm saving by not coming home.
I am supposed to officially be selling my Sturgis house - so that will free up some time. I really debated on whether I should give up my workouts today so I could cover the appointments for Malea. It is something I really look forward to though - I just can't do it. I don't think it would be good for the kids if I had to give that up. If anyone has any idea on how to clone myself - I'd really love to hear it.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)