I read something by One Fit Widow today that resonated with me and I wanted to write about it. Our stories are so eerily similar. Other than her being a huge fitness fanatic and succeeding - we have similar histories. She had an amazing relationship with her first husband. He died while their children were much smaller than mine. She got remarried in the last couple years and also married a divorced dad with 2 kids. So in total they had 4 - 2 girls and 2 boys. We of course have 3 girls and 1 boy.
You can read her post if you like - but this page doesn't like to link in a nice way.
My kids are very protective of me. They have seen some horrible treatment of me. They probably know more than they should. I'm pretty open with them. I think they should be aware but I do try to keep them out of things more now. It bothers James when they get involved, so I really try to keep it to myself. It is really hard since I don't have friends and Malea was my main person I talked to about anything.
One of my bonus daughters likes me. I still struggle with how to parent either of them. I go to James about everything that I struggle with. Sometimes he agrees - but doesn't know how to fix it. Sometimes he takes my suggestions and tries to address it. The other one fiercely hates me. She faults me for her parents not being together even though I never knew James when he was married.
James struggles with having a boy. Keagan is super high energy. He is not the best at listening. Lately especially he is angry about everything. We also have all of Malea's issues. They are better, but it is still quite hard on me. She doesn't like to see either of us hurt and really takes on way too much of what other people are going through.
Now that we have custody of one girl most of the time and the other one just every other weekend - we have all of these differences. We live in our car because we are responsible for 75% of the transportation and we feel like we live in our car. It's just so much time. Holidays are hard because we can't plan. Even though we have it in writing - it is still complicated.
I always try to do what is best for the girls - but I also have my kids to put in the mix as well as my sanity. This year I asked that we split Christmas break in half. That has become a nightmare. I want to stay home on Christmas and not have to meet somewhere. It is written that way - but we are getting backlash so I haven't even made plans because of it. At this point the girls will basically miss out on everything with my family. That is just the way it will have to work though.
I just have never seen so much hatred and manipulation. It hurts me so much to watch it and be a part of it. I won't be manipulated - but sometimes it happens before I find out about it and I can't go back and fix it.
It's just so hard. One day - one of the girls told my kids how much it sucks to have divorced parents. Keagan chimed back in well - it really sucks to have a dead one. I would much rather Dave and I be divorced that him be dead - I really would. We were both amazing parents and I think we would have always done what was best for them. It hurts to watch 2 parents that are both alive not be able to work things out. Don't they know how lucky they are? They are both still here. Their kids have both of their parents. James tries very hard - he really gives in a lot....and that hurts too because he always gets the raw end of the deal. Both girls have me too - and how lucky they should be - but nobody looks at it that way. I've tried to give so many new experiences but I feel like I'm not appreciated at all. I know that is normal for kids - but sometimes I really just want to only do stuff when my kids are home.
I do really hope that someday love will shine through and they will see we tried to do the best we could.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)