My long drives usually make me think about things and this is what was on my mind today. I listen to a lot of different music - but I would say that probably 85% of music is about love. Some is about heartbreak - but that is really about love as well - just something went wrong.
All of my life - I wanted 2 things. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to go to college - but really wanted to be a wife and mother above everything else. That was always my goal. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 - and while I'm pretty sure I only had one guy that liked me until that time - I obeyed the rules and didn't date until I was almost 16 (less than a month before I turned 16). He was my first boyfriend as well as my first fiance. I did everything I could with him but I still did everything I normally did. I worked and always planned activities around our work schedules. I joined a bowling team so we could have more time together after school (even though I majorly sucked). I went to my youth group and not his. Occasionally I would go to outings with his youth group and he mine. I always loved that he didn't completely consume me and I still did quite a lot with my friends - even if he tagged along. My friends became his friends too. It helped when he broke up with me for me to still have quite a bit that I did without him. I had seen it happen so many times where people would date and nothing would go on outside of that relationship - I was pretty set on not having that happen to me. When we got back together and got engaged - he was in the Marines and I only saw him like 3 times in that year and a half. We talked on the phone probably 4-5 times per week. We had our life planned and I was all set with my plan of getting married before the age of 21 and likely having kids soon after. Obviously that didn't work out and I'm grateful as he went on to have like a dozen kids (not really - but close) and I'm perfectly happy with my 2. Seven or eight kids would be even harder to manage on my own.
When I met Dave I was still heartbroken. I had gone through a lot that summer with the move and having a very difficult time finding a job. One of my best friends was severely injured. I had nobody to do anything with other than the trips that I made back home to Detroit to do things with my old friends. By the time Dave and I started dating - it had been about 11 months since my broken engagement. I wasn't expecting anything - but it was nice to get out of my house and do something with another adult.
Unlike my relationship with Todd - my relationship with Dave was much more consuming. It was mainly because I didn't have any other ties here. I had my family, Dave and work - that was it. We still made occasional trips back to Detroit - but they got farther apart since it got expensive and I was busy with him.
Looking back - I wish I had more stuff that I had going on before I met Dave. These last almost 2 years wouldn't have been so hard. Actually - the last 18 years wouldn't have been so hard. I feel like having my kids to fall back on is too much pressure on them. I don't want them to have to worry about me - or think they have to be around just to comfort me. He grew up here - so he always had stuff to do with other people. He had friends he regularly hung out with. He also had his riding (mountain biking) that he loved to do whenever he could.
Now that I have CrossFit - I feel like I kind of belong somewhere. I still feel intimidated that I am not where everyone else is. I don't talk to hardly anyone - but I show up and that is something. I'm really thinking about doing these Independence Games this summer. I might chicken out though because I think you have to have someone to do it with. I partly don't want to because the clues that they have given sound awful to me - especially running in to the river. Oh well - I can wash, right?
I'm sure everyone is tired about hearing about my workouts - but for now - that is what I have. My best friend is me and my barbell and tennis shoes - or other equipment I'm using for the WOD. It might sound silly - but it is where I feel I belong right now. I should think about my workout clothes and equipment as the partner in the love songs. I'll get mad at what I can't do - and blame the equipment - but I'll keep working at it until I love it. I probably won't always love all of the moves - but hey with another person there is always something about them you'd love to change, right?
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)