Last Week of saying 1 year ago….

One year ago Dave was still with us.  We had had a beautiful Mother’s Day weekend.  We had gone out as a family with Scott and Selena and had dinner and games.  Dave took Malea to gymnastics and then the rest of Saturday we spent at my parent’s house and then taken everyone out to eat.  Dave was very tired that weekend and in pain.  He had hurt his back and after helping my Dad with wood – he slept on the couch.  Then Sunday was Mother’s Day.  He had purchased a curl bar for me – since we needed one for our workouts as well as a watch and an orchid.  I don’t wear the watch very often since I never got it sized to fit properly.  I’ve used the weights once.  I just have a hard time using them since they were the last things he bought me.  

Sometimes I feel so bitter – and I know I’m not supposed to.  I went to my Mom’s church yesterday and it was hard.  They sang a song (Cry out to Jesus) and the part of the lyrics are: 

To everyone who’s lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes

This is from one of my favorite groups (Third Day) and I have a hard time with this song.  I get the point and I have cried out plenty – but I don’t like hearing the words listed above.   

The pastor also spoke about single mothers and how hard it is for them.  I know this – I’ve always said this.  However, most single mothers I know were always single mothers – so it was very different for them.  I would say at least half of the single mothers I know also always had a boyfriend – so even then – at least they had another person to talk to.  They may not have been co-parents – but they had a life outside of their kids.  Anyway – he was talking about divorce and talked about how the family should stay together as God intended it to be.  I so wanted to say – THEN DON’T TAKE THE PARENT AWAY!!!!  


I never intended for my family to be this way. We aren’t a good functioning family – we are very dysfunctional and I keep trying to make things better.  My kids are safe and loved and fed (Keagan may argue this point depending on the time of day) – there is just a lot of anger, resentment, sadness in our house.  At least we have Keagan to lighten up the mood most days.  I’m not looking forward to the day when he isn’t the funny man and enters the sad phase – I’m sure there will come a time when he gets very angry about not having a Dad around.  As it is now – he constantly wants every uncle to pick him up when he sees them.  Dave always did that.  He’s getting too big to be picked up and I think that will be hard for him when that stops happening.  


This weekend we are heading to the Wisconsin Dells.  I have never been there – so I don’t know how the drive will be or where I’m going.  I have GPS – so that will guide me.  I’m not sure yet when I will be able to leave – so we may end up around Chicago during rush hour on a Friday night 😦 😦  We are coming home on the 18th….I don’t know if that was a good idea or not.  Hopefully we can make it a decent weekend.  I know both kids are really looking forward to a weekend at the waterpark.