I've really been struggling lately with jealousy. I've never really been all that jealous of a person.
I was never the smartest kid in school - but I did pretty well and I know that I did my best most of the time so I was happy with that. I didn't even get all that mad if I didn't get the highest grade. I just strived to do the best I could.
I was never the best dressed for sure - but I made it a point to look the best that I could with what I had. Do I look back on pictures now and laugh? Sure - of course I do - but at the time I looked pretty decent and liked what I wore.
I've never been considered the pretty one - I didn't really even wish that I was prettier. I wasn't really in to boys - I was in to my school work more than anything else. I didn't have a problem getting a boyfriend either - or people that wanted to ask me out. I was glad that I wasn't super pretty - I wouldn't like the attention that those girls got. I'm stuck with the face I have - nothing can change that (other than plastic surgery) and I'm not about to get that. I've always tried to add makeup to help - but I always end up just looking the same or like a hooker. I won't leave the house without it - but I don't wear a lot. I certainly don't think I'm hideous. I think Malea is beautiful and I am always told she looks like me - so I take some comfort in that. I guess people don't say - what an ugly child you have though....
My weight has been an issue my whole life. Of course - I look back now and realize I actually looked pretty great - and am mad that I didn't feel better about myself....at least with my weight. I'm always working on it and am really trying to do better...but I can't help how slowly the weight comes off. I just wish I would have not let it get as bad as it has :( I'm not really jealous of others though - I know it is my own journey and no body is the same or responds the same. I'd love to look like Carrie Underwood (my idea of what I'd love to look like)...but know that will never happen - plus she's way younger than me.
Other than my weight - I've dealt with all of the other stuff fairly well and know that I am who I am and nothing can really change that. I think I'm pretty great - just hard to get to know - which has always been a downfall.
Just lately - I'm really struggling with everyone else being happy. There are so many happy couples. I had that once.....I really miss it. I miss seeing my kids loved by someone other than me and excited to see them as much as I am. I feel bad that I have this sadness about seeing happy people. I wish I could be that way again. It will never be that way. Even if I did ever happen to find someone to love me - they would never love my kids the way that Dave did. They most likely will never have someone that cares about them as much as I do or as much as Dave did. I know I have family that really does love them - but they have their own lives and plenty of other people to care about as well. I'm it - I'm all they have. I need to find a way to be happy. They deserve to have a Mom that wants to live life and doesn't dread every single day wondering what will go wrong.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for....I just wish I could feel that I'm doing ok. I just constantly feel like I'm running this race that will never end - and the finish line is just getting further and further away. It's like I'm crawling through life when everyone else is running.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)