- I keep thinking that things have to go up from here - but that doesn't seem to be happening. I'm finding very little to be positive about in my life lately. I just keep thinking there has to be an opening to this horrible fog to let me see something bright and cheery. I need to find it - but I haven't been open to searching for it either. Some days I just want to stay here - I suppose I'm comfortable here. People ignore me and that is ok - they can't relate to me anyway. People get to go on with their happy little lives and I'm glad that they don't have to endure the pain that I'm in on a daily basis. It is hard to watch, but I'm glad for them.
I found the picture above and hope it is something that Dave would wish for me. It wouldn't really be something he would say as written. He'd probably put some funny spin on it and make me smile. I know he would have done that. He could take the worst situation and turn it around and find some good in it. I never really thought about that while he was here - but it was certainly always the case. I know he would be doing so much better than I am....that is just how he was.
I know part of this is just me and how uncertain everything is. I don't do well with uncertainty. Even in my worst points - I was able to figure out some sort of plan to keep on going. I just can't seem to do it this time. All my current focus is on Malea and trying to figure out how to help her. It is making me not focused in pretty much every other area. As my therapist pointed out - Malea and I are responding very similarly to this horrible tragedy. I just happen to have 2 little people that get me out of bed every day. I knew that was part of it - and I so understand what Malea is going through. I still have my Dad - but the bond we both had with Dave - I can understand that loss. I know that I would not be out of bed - if even still here at all - if I didn't have my kids. I just hope that I can keep it up and have a positive outcome and develop 2 great members of society despite my shortcomings.
I'd really just love to know - how much worse it is going to get before it finally gets better. Something has got to give - and it can't always be me!!!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)