Imagine having a love so great that it makes you happy every day. Think Noah from the Notebook. He loved Allie so much even throught their time apart and she obviously loved him too. Their love was so great.
Now imagine that love blossoming in to a beautiful family. That man turned in to such a great father. He still showed great respect for the mother as well since he would constantly reprimand the children for not respecting her. He was the fun Dad - always thinking of adventures to take the kids on. Reading to the kids and making up funny stories when they didn't want to go to bed. He gave the best horse back rides and could throw the kids in the pool better than anyone.
Now imagine that you are the woman that has all that. Wouldn't you think your life was a fairy tale? You were blessed beyond what you deserved. You had your moments where you didn't appreciate what you had - but after thinking about it - you always came back to remembering that you had it better than most. You had a great love and a great father. It is pretty rare to have both in the same man.
Now imagine - that all of that is taken away in the blink of an eye :( Life goes from on top of the world to the gates of hell in 3 minutes (I always think of it that way since I talked to him 3 minutes before he died). That is my life.
How do you think about the future with anything but dread when you had what I had? How do you look at your children without thinking of all that they are missing out on not knowing their father. Not having him there to walk your daughter down the aisle. Not having him there to teach your son how to ride his mountain bike through the trails. They are both so much like their dad. They have his love of adventure. I can see that dwindling the more they hang out with me - since I lack that capability.
Doing a study on forgiveness didn't really help me. I feel like I blame myself for a lot - but it is all stuff that I didn't put on myself - it just happened- but I don't know that there is anyone or anything to forgive. I feel like it is something I need to forgive - not a someone. I feel like I need to forget and not forgive. I need to forget what I had. How can I do that? That would be forgetting about the best part of me.
Reading "The Shack" has helped a little actually. However - he actually had things to forgive - someone killed his daughter. He held all that resentment and rightfully so. Nobody took Dave - at least not that I know of. It was a fluke accident or maybe a purposeful accident - I'll never know the answer to that. I could forgive him- but I don't really blame him. I don't feel like he would have left us on purpose. The dreams right after he died made me think that it was just a fluke accident as well. The book alludes to the fact that God didn't make the sadness happen - and he could have intervened - but only by not creating man in the first place. That makes a lot of sense to me. It is still hard to wrap my head around.
Before anyone says I need counseling - it really doesn't help. It doesn't get my lawn mowed, or the trash out. It doesn't get my closet built or my oil changed. It doesn't pick up anything at the store that I need when I don't feel good or pick up dinner. I have very little availability to do stuff with Malea alone. We always tried to make sure that happened on a pretty regular basis - we would go on dates with each kid several times per year. Then we would also make sure to get dates together once in a while. That probably happened less often. Dave got plenty of nights out with the boys as well. Occasionally Dave would make sure to take the kids out so that I could clean the house without the distraction. I can't even remember the last time I was able to do that.
I just wish people could imagine more what it is like to be living what I'm living. Maybe I'd catch a break rather than the constant judging that I get instead. Or even the 'I'm sorry's' - with fake 'if you need anything let me know' words behind that.
I am doing better - we all are doing better. We'll never be like we were before though.
I'm hoping Malea will be happy in the future - that she'll have wonderful friends. She'll see how much potential she has and that she'll thrive and see that her life can be amazing.
My hope for Keagan is that somehow we find someone that will take him fishing. Someone that will teach him how to catch a ball or play basketball with him. I try - but I don't even know how to play. That he won't fall through the cracks but I lack so much free time to be able to do stuff with him. I hope he develops some friendships that will maybe help teach him some things that only boys seem to know without the agressiveness that may come along with it.
I just hope that I can live a long life and be an amazing Grandma to my grandkids. I hope that is a long way off - but maybe only about 10 years or so away. I hope that my kids don't move too far away and that I don't feel like a burden to them. I hope that I can lose the weight I'm trying to lose and actually be happy with the way I look for once in my life....and keep it that way.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)