Of course I'll always wish that I could go back and change things so that Dave didn't die. That wish would never go away either. I'm not talking about that though - I just wish I could go back and change things about me.
Today was the beginning of our Once Upon a Marriage series at church. I decided to go and listen. I realized how much of a failure I was as a wife. I loved Dave more than I have every loved anyone. I don't think he felt like that most of the time though. I tried to be a pretty understanding wife and gave him as much freedom as I could so that he could see his friends or family when he wanted to. He didn't go out every week....probably once a month, if that. It depended on the time of the year.
I didn't realized how much of a burden I put on him for my happiness. I really put most everything in to him - which is why now - without him I feel pretty worthless. That wasn't fair to him at all. I was too hard on him - I wanted him to do more around the house. He really put most of his energy in to the kids. His sleep schedule was so messed up - but he still always put the kids first. He didn't really care that our house was always full of toys and never spotless. He was happy that I always made dinner and he always had clean clothes. He loved me and while he depended on me - it was different.
I could see how this could help someone improve their marriage. However - with me - I just realized how awful I was. I so wish I could go back and show him that I could be a better wife. I would change the way I was and concentrate more on things that weren't on him.
There were other points to the sermon. My blog isn't meant to be preachy - so I will work on those issues that I can work on. I just can't get past what I can't work on - something that I'll never be able to fix :( I'm going to try not to dwell on it - but I know that it will eat at me for a while.
I need to just work on being a good example for my kids and hopefully guiding my daughter to not be the same way and to be mindful of how she is with others. I will show my son as well. He had a great role model and I hope to show him that. If he's as good of a husband as his father was - he'd make any girl happy.
I just need to be more accepting of people - and look at their strengths. They may be doing the best that they can. Just because it isn't up to my expectations - that doesn't mean that they aren't doing their best. Just something for me to work on....
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)