I wasn't really robbed where someone held me at gunpoint and took my wallet or anything. I was robbed of my future. I see things all the time that say you shouldn't live in the past. The past is where I was happy. The past is where I thought I would be forever. I just can't get past the past. I feel like moving forward just basically leaves out this wonderful life I had and all the plans we had for the future. It allows everyone to forget Dave and just move on like he never existed.
Many days I have a hard time remembering that I once had a partner - I had someone to support me and love me and push me. Someone to believe in me and tell me that I'm not a complete screw up and that I got this.
I'm reading this book right now where the 2 main characters are very lonely and just wishing for someone to love them. Of course - in the end they will likely get together and be happy together forever - that is how these books always end. They both lost parents when they were young. One is taking care of a sibling and one moved from foster home to foster home - never with a true family. I have a family - I'm not saying that I don't have that. I'm lucky that I have family. However - I very much relate to these 2 characters in their adult life. Both of them are always taking care of everyone - whether it be strangers or people they know. They both need someone to talk to be taken care of by someone not expecting more than just that in return. The girl even starts talking to a steer (they are on a cattle drive). Maybe I should find an animal to talk to.....lol. Someday we'll get another pet...just too overwhelmed right now with getting the house ready to sell.
I was thinking about all of this on my way to work this morning. Then a song comes on - Amazed....Our song. I really never heard this more than a couple times per year and I heard it twice now in the last week. I don't know if it was a sign from Dave telling me - hey - you once had someone to love you and I'm still here loving you..... I wish I could just let that be enough. I had someone to love me for nearly 16 years - someone to be there for me and push me and think that I was one of the smartest people he ever knew.
Why can't I use that to push me?? I feel like a failure at everything I do. I'm a perfectionist - which is generally a bad thing for me. I try to figure everything out - but there is always something I don't like about it. My tile is crooked, my drywall never looks good, I can't get one room to stay clean for more than 5 minutes. I'm working out - but can never lift as heavy as everyone else, squat as low as everyone else and I'm definitely slower than pretty much everyone! I'm just not good enough and I'm not ok with that. I keep trying and failing....I hate this about myself. I don't want my kids to be like this. I want them to think that they can do anything and it won't matter if it isn't perfect. How can I get them to do this when I suck at it myself? I do keep trying - I suppose someday I'll get something right.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)