Malea had been doing pretty well the last few weeks. She had quite the attitude yesterday - but I was just ignoring that for the time being. We went and saw Fast 7 and I thought all was well. I wanted to go to bed as soon as we got home since I haven't been feeling well - and yesterday was quite exhausting. I was in bed and heard a lot of door slamming and stomping around. Malea was mad - when I got up she was in the bathroom throwing up (still trying to narrow that issue down). She wanted me to leave her alone - but I needed to find out what was going on.
For the next hour we talked - more her avoiding talking than anything. Everything always comes down to her thinking therapy is a joke and why do I make her go. I say I want her to stop being so angry and she says that won't happen until people leave her alone. She doesn't want anyone to talk to her and she just wants people to leave her alone - she's never going to be ok :( I finally went to bed once I thought she wouldn't hurt herself or anything (she gets very mad that I think she will).
I tried to explain to her that she doesn't want people to leave her alone. She might think she wants that - but she doesn't. It is a horrible place to be with nobody ever talking to you or asking you how you are and really wanting an answer. She doesn't want that - nobody truly wants that. If they think they do - they've never lived that way. I understand her not wanting to talk - she doesn't want to think about her Dad every day. She doesn't want anyone to bring him up. She says she doesn't want to pretend he didn't exist - but essentially that is what she wants. She doesn't want to remember how amazing he was or that he'd want so much more for her than this life she's choosing to live. I can't help her - she won't let me. She also won't let anyone else help. She's purposely trying to push everyone away. She says she doesn't care that she's smart - it isn't going to do her any good. She says people tell her she'll end up working fast food anyway.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not strong enough for this. Her reasons for not wanting to go to counseling are so valid - no therapist is going to truly care about her. They care about the money and helping her on paper - they'll never truly care. How can I argue with that? That is exactly why I don't go. Neither of us can be fixed - we aren't broken - our lives are and it can't be fixed. I am trying to give them the best life I can - I have no choice but to do that. Without them - I wouldn't be where I am now. It just keeps getting so much harder. I was hoping therapy would help - but she's ultimately telling her what she thinks she wants to hear. I get a lot more out of her at home than the therapist does. She says she doesn't tell anyone how she truly feels though.....she says she's not a good person. This is just killing me....:(
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)