Malea is very aware of why we are going out of town this weekend. Keagan just thinks I'm a cool Mom and am taking them to a waterpark. For Mother's Day he got me a balloon and it had not made it out of the car. I finally got him to grab it and bring it in last night. On the way in to the house - he said - Mom, can I send this up to Daddy. I told him he could if he wanted to. He constantly looks up at the sky, especially at night, and says Hi to Daddy. I asked him if he knew why we were going out of town this weekend. I told him why - and he just said Oh. Time to a 6 year old is so different than it is to an adult. I'm so sad with how much he is missing from not knowing his Dad. I'm worried he's going to turn in to this girly boy that doesn't know anything about sports or anything - since I don't know anything about them - or really have the time to get him in to a sport.
Malea started her therapy last night. I wish I could get her to do things without appearing like it is the most boring thing in the world. She does like this counselor though - so that is good. It was interesting to hear her talk though. She did say some things I never heard before. She's worried that her idea of Dave isn't who he really was. I've never voiced that to her - but somehow she thought about that. She thinks so much - just like me - and that can be such a dangerous thing. I don't want her to think negative thoughts about him. He certainly wasn't perfect - but she doesn't need to think about negative things.
I get very nervous about driving long distances. I never had to drive with him. We even took a 17 hour trip once and I had planned on driving a decent part of the trip. I only drove an hour - he just preferred driving. Today I am venturing out on a 5+ hour drive and I'm already tired and woke up with a massive headache. I'm also driving around Chicago and that is my least favorite place to drive. A month from now - we have an 8+ hour drive coming up. I kept meaning to get a DVD player installed and just haven't had the time to get it done. Hopefully I can before our UP trip. Today we'll just have the laptop to use and hopefully that will suffice. I was supposed to get my car serviced for the last time for free - but that didn't happen either. I need more time during the day! Luckily it was just to rotate the tires - so I'll just get the 30K service. I can't believe I haven't even had my car for a year and I have 26K miles on it! Amazing how many more miles you drive when you only have one car.
I took the back way to training today and drove by the tree. I got out and picked up the cross and put it in to the ground. It gets knocked over a lot and I'm thinking of possibly drilling it in to the tree.
I really can't believe it has been a year. I really never thought I would be able to function without him. I've managed. I've lost many friends/acquaintances. I've second guessed almost everything I've done. I've had some people question me - but for the most part - people just leave me alone. I feel like more of a helicopter parent than ever before. I want to protect them more than ever and I wonder if they think I'm a horrible parent. I don't have anyone there saying - hey - cool it anymore. I am extremely overwhelmed and never have enough time. I know that isn't just me - other people have the same issue. I was busy before and I've always had to keep track of what is going on - I just had a sounding board before - and we would figure things out together. I don't think I'm doing completely awful though - but I really want to be better. Are they closer on the clone making? I could use one just to drive ;) That would solve my major problems! This next year is going to be even busier I think - I have lots of things to consider and I need to make sure I get my kids involved in something.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)