While driving today - I was thinking....not usually a good thing with me - I need a shorter commute....that I feel like I'm back where I started when I was 20. I moved to this side of the state with my parents and was all alone. I left everything I had ever known (other than my family of course) to try to figure out my life in a new place. I was very lonely and slept a lot. I didn't have anything to pass the time at the time - my room didn't have 4 walls - so I didn't even really have anywhere to go. I was very lazy then I remember. I wish I would have jumped on the fitness bandwagon then - maybe I'd be better off today. I was completely lost and had no clue what to do with my life.
Now - here I am 18 years later and I feel like I'm the same place. I've been listening to these interviews on finding happiness after loss. They all say find your passion - choose to be happy. I don't know how to do that. I know that I need to be happy with myself - but I don't know how to make that happen. I definitely don't feel worth it. I'm going to keep listening to these interviews - there is one every day for 15 days I think. I missed Day 1 (and they only last for 3 days) - but listened to Day 2 and 3. It can't be good for my kids for me to not at least try.
One of the interviews did say that they weren't honoring the loved one if they weren't happy. He was what made me happy - I was happy to see him with the kids and how good of a Dad he was. I don't feel like I ever brought any of the happiness to this house. I'm trying to be like he was and take the kids places and play games with them. I even went on this horrible water slide - they lied to me about it - but I did it. They both laughed and laughed - he would have loved it.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)