These days it is so hard not to feel like a failure. I know guilt is one of the grief stages and I guess I'm there.
I feel like I failed as a wife. Dave really hated his job. I just kept saying one more year - so he could finish his degree. He loved Target. I didn't push him to leave there though - I left it up to him. He just really wanted in management and wanted to do something no so hard on his body. He was a great manager - he just didn't work for the best company. I feel like I wasn't very supportive. The shift he was on was so hard for us. I just don't think he knew how much I was behind him and much I knew he was capable of. He was helping with the morale at his company, but it was bringing him down. It was really wearing on him :(
I feel like a failure with the kids. Malea is now responsible for getting Keagan every day from school until I get home. If she wants to join anything it will be pretty much impossible. She wants to do volleyball next year and I'm just not sure how it will work. I feel like I'm making her sacrifice :( Keagan misses male attention desperately and it doesn't help that his bike has been broke for over a week and I haven't been able to fix it properly. He is much less angry since school started - structure I think has really helped.
I've been failing for a while with my weight. I finally found the reason last summer, but haven't been able to make the extra effort to get the weight off. I kind of feel like what is the point anyway....it isn't like it will make any difference. I need to be stronger though - I have to be able to do more and I don't have anyone to do the heavy lifting.
I've been behind on a few things at work - but that isn't really my fault - other than me helping everyone out. I just have a lot going on and can't focus on one thing for long before I have a million people asking me for something else. At least I hear that I'm awesome on a fairly regular basis.
I'm not depressed...I tried therapy - it isn't really for me. I'm still here and I get up every day and get along with my day. I no longer cry every day.
I do no longer feel like I'm a part of anything. I feel like my kids and I are in our own little bubble. I guess I'm ok with that...things will speed up with AWANA starting next week and then Malea getting back to gymnastics. Keagan wants to do hip hop or something - so I'm going to try to find something that will work.
I'm sure every parent feels similar with their kids - you always feel like you are never doing enough. I would not be ok without them and their hugs and "I love you Mom - you're the best".
Might as well end with some positives....
Malea is loving school (even though she didn't want to go back)- she's in band and choir and all honors classes other than social studies. She says she doesn't like to sing, but isn't bad IMO. She does love the teacher in that class. She's beyond excited that her English teacher has her own library and she had some input on what books to add (the teacher asked for suggestions). She is actually buying lunch - and likes it (she bought lunch like 10 times total in all 6 years of elementary school). It helps out the mornings not having to get that around for her. She's still one of the tallest kids in school - I thought maybe that would even out over the summer. She still has dreams of going to Stanford - even more so after our visit to California. I guess we should plan a trip to Northern Cali at some point to see that area as well.
Keagan is still loving school. His teacher is really nice and he has made lots of friends. He was supposed to have 2 friends from last year in his class, but they weren't there, so not sure what happened. He has one bad boy and one kind of bad girl - so he stays away from them ;) He was so excited that the gym teacher used him as an example in class as to what to do if you were naughty. I teased him -but he said he was just showing kids how you have to be if you ended up with a naughty color for the day. He has to approve of his clothes every day and has to do his hair every day as well. I don't think Dave was like this at his age, but Keagan definitely takes after him. Malea threw his socks at him today and he was so worried that she messed up his hair. We were talking the other day about college - and he told me that while Malea plans on going far away - he wasn't going to leave Michigan ;) I'm sure he'll want to get far away from me at some point - but it is nice that he feels that way now!
I am about 85% done with my room. Just have to finish up the closet floor, paint the trim and get curtains. I bought some curtains yesterday, but they were too long - so I have to do some more looking.
Thanks for reading! I'm sure I've lost some friends, but oh well - I'm doing the best I can for now - and I really think I've been doing pretty well.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)