I was sitting in church the other day waiting for the service to start. I've questioned so much over the last few years. I'm no closer to answers though it seems.
In high school I was so strong. I even would have some debates at lunch with some other students about the existence of God. I didn't have any doubts then. I was just so positive that he was there for me . I went to pretty much every youth group activity and went to church 3 times per week. I didn't work on Sundays so that I could go to church. I rarely missed a Sunday.
Everything changed in 1998. It was a horrible year for me - bad breakup, one of my best friends was severely injured and I moved to the other side of the state. I still tried to get involved in the church my parents were married in. It wasn't what I was used to - but I still tried and went every Sunday. I didn't have that group to keep me grounded.
I didn't really have much of a group at church before I moved either since most of my friends were away at college - but I did have a few. I was the co-activities director for our youth group and it was a blast doing that. With my friends mostly away and my family moving - I had no choice really but to move as well. I didn't want to - but I did.
I really wasn't a fan of the church I was going to but with my lack of being able to make friends - I wasn't very good at trying to find another church to go to. I met Dave and he would go with me as well. Once we got married we still attended - but there were some issues there and we knew we'd be moving - so we planned to look elsewhere. Dave had his own issues with religion and had a horrible experience growing up in the religion he did. He did get invovled with the softball team but not much after that. Once he got a job at Target - he worked every Sunday and it was very sporadic for him to go to church with me. Once we had kids I kept trying to go every week - but I started skipping services more and more. Once I had Keagan - and we discovered all of his allergies I was afraid to put him in the nursery - so I went until he got too crazy to keep with me.
I was determined to keep my kids in church which is why they've always been in AWANA. There was a time though when we went to quite a few different churches and didn't really have a home church.
Fast forward to Dave's death and it was not a good time for me. I didn't have a home church - I was still trying to find one. Dave was working so much that on the weekends he didn't work - we went out as a family since we hardly saw him. It was so hard to figure out what to do for the funeral.
With some encouragement from family members - I sought out another church and found the one I'm attending now. I feel better here than some of the other churches I attended for sure. I still feel like a huge outsider. I've tried to get involved - but with my schedule I keep finding that I can't hardly make any meetings to try to get involved more :(
I don't know if fitting in to the church is the answer. I just feel so far from God. I feel like he couldn't care much less about me. I certainly haven't felt him protecting me or watching out for me over the last 3 years. I'm not even talking about him taking the love of my life - that was a crap thing to do. I know that is probably not nice to say - but it wasn't very nice. Blah Blah Blah - there is supposed to be a plan. Still waiting to see what kind of plan there is for me. I think it might be - let's just see how much Ange can take....like a game or something. Maybe he likes to have fun and my life is humorous to him. I don't know.
I'm just not in the best place and I keep trying to push through this and I don't know how to. I'll take a step forward and then 20 steps back. I guess I keep moving forward though, right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
I'm still not sure if this church is where I should be - but don't have another place that I've checked out. I do have a few people that say Hi to me and talk to my kids - so for that I think I'll stay put for a little while.
Please just pray for me - I still hope that something good comes out of my life and hope that what I've done so far in my life isn't all that I have to show. I really feel like I'm meant to do something with this crappy hand that I was dealt. The thing that I've really been thinking about strongly over the last year keeps coming up and I'd love to do it. I just don't know how or if it could even be possible. It would be a non-profit type thing and I don't know anyone that knows anything about that. From what I've read - that is what I need to start with - talk to people about what I want to do and get advice - so not good at that.
Well - that is enough rambling and I don't know what the point of this was...but there it is. Sorry for any misspellings or grammatical errors- I'm not proofing it right now.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)