I haven't posted in a while. While very few, if anyone, reads these - I post them more for myself than anything. It helps me vent, or track the progress I've had over the last 2 years.
The past few weeks have gone very well - especially for Malea. She has really been doing so incredibly well. She's more willing to help me. She's still lazy and so slow, but more willing, which is a step in the right direction. I still struggle with some people saying she's just a middle schooler. She isn't just a middle schooler - she's really not the same. She never really has been in line with her peers - she's always been more mature and advanced. Sometimes it has been a pain and sometimes it really is hard because she doesn't seem like she's only 13. This has caused her reaction to such a tragedy to be harder to deal with. She's has adult reactions to so much of it - but she still is 13 so her body hasn't been able to cope as well as it should. We are still really struggling with the body - but her mental state has greatly improved. She hardly spends much time in her room anymore (though I still can't get her to keep it clean). She is eating more - still not where she was before all of this, but definitely eating more. She's getting along with Keagan more - unless it is the morning and then - she just really isn't a morning person.
Our family dynamic is just so different now. Keagan is so greatly attached to me - sometimes it is really hard. He will go places - but when he comes back - he doesn't like me to leave his site. He is constantly hugging me or putting his arm around me. I worry sometimes about this - but it is nice for me to be hugged. I probably talk to Malea more than I should about things. I still keep a lot to myself, but I do occasionally bounce family ideas off of her. I just don't like to make all the decisions completely by myself.
This brings me to the phone issue I discussed yesterday. If Dave were here, Malea likely would not have been allowed to even take her phone to school. I was a worrier before Dave died, but now - it has really become so much worse. I constantly worry about losing one of my kids. Should I worry - no....I know it isn't a good thing. The struggle with worrying where your child's head is at and making her go to school when she doesn't want to get out of bed - it is just hard. She isn't a problem in school - so teachers don't really pay attention to her. Several have told me that they can tell when she's having a bad day and they just let her do her own thing. When I can talk to her occasionally (not even every day or every week) - I just feel better. I can calm her down more. I'm not being a bad parent - it is just different for us. I will follow the rules and she will as well. It will just cause me to worry a lot more than I do now.
I'm still so incredibly happy with where Malea is at right now. If we can get her shoulder figured out - things would be really great. She's more talkative (too much sometimes) and just taking time to be with almost everyone. She isn't on her phone as much in social settings either. It makes me think that all I have done in the last 2 years for her has really helped get her to where she is. With always thinking I'm a bad parent and the questioning from others - I really think I have done pretty well.
Keagan is doing really well. He is saying he'll miss our house. I know I will miss it as well - but I think it will be good to leave what sometimes can be really hard at times. Of course - he now has like 5 friends in the neighborhood all of a sudden. He went so long without any and now - they magically appear when we are getting ready to leave - hopefully he can find some near our new house.
Now to me - I have been having such a hard time sleeping - or getting to sleep. The thing that works the best is putting the Sleeping Sounds station on Pandora and setting the timer for 30 minutes. It drowns out my thoughts and doesn't have words so I just lay there and fall asleep. Last night I tried to sleep and couldn't so I put my music on. I listen to a different station during the day (no falling asleep needed at work) so that always comes on first. Last night I turned it on and what was on....."Amazed". I have talked about this song before - it was our wedding song. I used to never hear this song and I have heard it a lot over the last few months. I've always looked at it with how amazed I was at Dave and how awesome he was. Last night though - with it being the song that just played when I turned my phone on - I felt like he was singing it to me.
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
I felt like he was saying he was amazed by me with all that I'm doing. It really helped me go to sleep last night. It makes me feel like everything will be ok and that I'll get these houses done and they will sell and all will be well.
I really need everything to keep going like it has been - positive vibes only!! :)
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)