Earlier in the week I posted about forgiveness. I have always been one that forgives very easily. I give so many second and third chances - and it hasn't always been good for me. I just think that there is so much good in people and I'm nice - so I hope they see that and not let me down. However - one way that I forgive people is to blame myself. They wouldn't have wronged me if I was a better person or if I would have treated them differently. This always is what eats at me. I always think if I were better then people wouldn't treat me bad.
I have a few people that I'm struggling with right now - the main issue that I wonder is how do you forgive someone that is constantly being mean. I could forgive them - and I generally do - but they just keep doing the same thing over and over again. I think one particular person is just a mean spiteful person anyway. It isn't someone I can part ways with either as I can't control that they are in my life. They certainly make my days very sad and lonely though and I really try to avoid them at all costs.
My real issue is me. I struggle so much with holding on to a lot that I can't control. I have the same issue with me and wondering how I can forgive myself when I will do the same stuff over again:
How can I forgive myself for not being enough for my kids?
How can I forgive myslef for not knowing that Dave was on the road when I was talking to him minutes before he died?
How can I forgive myself for being only ok at pretty much everything?
How can I forgive myself for something I don't know how to explain?
I'm constantly beating myself up about my lack of close friendships and what I'm doing that people don't like. I wish I could just go up to people and say - what is so wrong with me? I'm really nice I think - but maybe I complain too much. I have a hard time if anyone gives me a compliment and I rarely tell the truth when people ask how I am. I don't just tell random people that I lost my husband - other than my small group last week - I usually wait quite a while before I say something about it. It is hard because I want people to know that I'm not a single Mom by choice and I'm not divorced. Then they look at me with sad eyes and say they are sorry. I just wanted them to know - I'm still me - I may not be the same person I was before - but I have a lot to offer. I actually think I'm pretty amazing in many ways. I can do so many things that some people can't even imagine. However - I don't want to sound conceited either.
I really didn't think this forgiveness thing would be so hard. I guess I never thought about how much I have going on that I need to forgive myself for. I'm holding on to most of it and I don't know how to let go of it. Counseling could maybe help - I've gone to 2 different counselors and I tried to contact another one. They all want me to make friends - I've been trying for about 19 years and it hasn't worked well so far. I guess going to small group is a step - but that only is another 2 weeks - so then I have to figure out something after that. Crossfit is the closest thing I've had to friends in many years. I don't always talk to people there - but I feel like they are all friends since we're going through the same crazy things together. We are all in different places in our lives but for that hour - we are all making our bodies do what it doesn't want to do!! That is the best thing for me really. After this week - I really am going to try to at least make 1 regular CF class. Hopefully I'll be at my old house less and maybe it will sell....it certainly would take one huge burden off my shoulders!!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)