I had not heard this much throughout my life. We had been fortunate to not have a lot of loss in my family. We lost a few before their time should have been up, but they had been sick for a while and it had been expected. In 2009 we lost 3 family members in a tragic fire. That rocked our family and changed my extended family so much. We no longer see each other as much as we once did when they were alive. It definitely changed our family dynamic. That was my first experience with a death and how much it really changes a family. I was in for a huge surprise to see how much a death can change you personally.
I don't want to say that my previous experiences with death didn't change me - but they really didn't compared to how Dave's death has. I miss my uncle, aunt and cousin for sure. However - I didn't see them on a daily basis - actually only saw them a couple of times per year. I lost 2 of my grandparents and I miss them, but they were both very sick for the few years before they died and their death was expected. It actually got very hard to see both of them and how much they had changed since getting sick. Losing a grandparent is never easy - but it is also somewhat expected as they get older. I don't want to think about losing my other 2 grandparents that are still here - or my parents for that matter.
Losing Dave has changed my family in to something I can't even recognize. We are sort of like a puzzle with missing pieces waiting to be found I suppose. We were once a whole puzzle - vibrant and happy. We lost our piece and just fell apart little by little. We will never be whole again - but hopefully we can be moderately happy again with our missing pieces permanently gone.
Keagan hasn't changed as much as Malea and I have. He is young and that is to be expected. He isn't as fearless as he once was though - I definitely see that. With only me to encourage him - I'm afraid he'll never get that back. I'm not adventurous or fearless - I freak out about everything. I am glad he's backed off a little - but hopefully he doesn't lose all of it. I don't want him to be like me in that aspect. He definitely seeks out male attention. I feel bad for any male that he hangs out with for a small period of time - he probably really annoys them. I don't know how to break that cycle. He craves it - and I don't really blame him for that. It will never be something that I can provide. I can just love him and hope and pray that I can raise him to be a decent man.
Malea has changed so much. She was a quiet and shy girl and while we occasionally had issues - nobody else had too many issues with her. Now - she's very opinionated and isn't afraid to speak her mind. She's not as respectful as she once was. She could do no wrong in her Daddy's eyes. He would have lots of issues with her many days. Recently I have seen some of the old Malea though. Some days I wonder if I haven't completely lost her. Some days she's the little girl I remember, the one that loves her Mom and brother. It generally doesn't last all day - but I have hope that she'll turn out ok.
Then there is me. I don't even know who I am anymore. It doesn't help with raising kids - that is for sure. I don't stand up for myself at all - I try to get the kids to understand that I need them to help me. Most kids don't get that though - I know mine aren't the only ones. Most days I'm frustrated and angry. I have so much to do and some days get hardly anything done because I'm so overwhelmed. It frustrates me so much. I have all these plans and then I just get so exhausted :( I wonder if my life will ever be less chaotic. Then I wonder constantly what I'll do when my kids move away. It is closer than I would like it to be. They both talk now of moving far away - at least Malea now plans on going to college in Grand Rapids instead of California. I don't want to be the feeble Mom that they think they have to take care of. I want them to want to be near me just because they love me and value my thoughts on their lives.
I was a loner while Dave was alive - not by choice - but it happened. It is so much worse now. Unless I'm working on one of my houses - I pretty much just sit at home and read or watch TV. I at least have ventured out in to CrossFit. I suppose that is one new positive thing I have done. However - I'm still such a coward. I can't push myself like I need to. I recently suggested meeting up with some of my old high school friends. They all agreed and we are planning it. Now I'm freaking out though - I'll be the only single person there. I won't have a husband to talk to or talk about and it is really stressing me out. I half think that I'll come up with a reason not to go. I really want to see them though - I just need to do it.
I wish death wasn't a part of life - or if it was - I wish it was only for the elderly. This certainly isn't the life I planned and wish that I wasn't dealt these horrible cards. I don't like leaning on people - Dave was all I needed. Now I'm going to be moving - and the kids and I can't do it alone. I would like to say that I could do it - but I really just can't. I can't lift my couch or my dressers alone. I know there are movers out there, but they make me nervous as I've heard some horrible stories. I also am not moving very far away - so I hate the thought of that expense. Dave and I pretty much moved to our current house by ourselves. He had a couple of people help him - but we really didn't have that much stuff. Almost all of the stuff that is currently in our house - either we put in there together or we had it delivered by the store we bought it from.
I can't wait until next week and I'll have the move completed and hopefully soon after I'll sell both of my other houses. That is really the source of all of my prayers lately. I need to sell a house - but have been feeling very defeated about both of them. I feel like neither of them will sell and then I'm stuck with 3 houses and all the taxes and utilities on all of them as well. At least I can rent them out - I just really don't want to do that. I don't want to be a landlord on those houses. I don't want to have to fix any repairs or have to deal with finding tenants. I will if I have to though.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)