I was really hoping that 2016 was going to be a good year. I suppose it was better than 2014 by a long shot.
I had so much stress this year. I questioned so much this year. I don't know that I have answers to everything - but I certainly have questioned pretty much everything - my parenting, my faith, my talents, so much regret.
I did have some successes this year. I finally finished my flip house and sold it for a profit. I bought a new house and we've settled in fairly well. We took an awesome vacation as a family.
Of course - getting my car broken in to made me question more things. Should I have not gone on vacation - am I being punished for trying to do something positive? It certainly put a damper on the memory of the vacation :(
I didn't manage to lose any weight really. I did work out 2-3 times per week every week other thank this week. That is definitely a positive thing - I'm definitely stronger and I think I'm more fit than I've ever been - even though I don't look like it.
For 2017 I really hope that I can actually look better than I do today. I'd love to also be able to find a group of people that I could have book clubs with or something. I love my family - but it would be nice to do something with people that aren't only family. Maybe someone to see a movie with that isn't a kid's movie. I also hope to sell my old house. I'd like to end 2017 with only 2 houses. That is my goal for now. I don't think I'll buy another house to work on until 2018....I'll spend this year getting everything done in my house and getting set up to hopefully buy another house to fix up.
I'm really hoping for progress with Malea. Things are definitely better - but there have been new stresses come up this year. I guess she isn't in trouble with the law or doing anything bad like that. I should feel blessed - but I would like to feel like I'm not constanly failing at life.
I am glad to see this year end. I still have things that I have to figure out in 2017 left over from 2016 - but I'm really hoping for it to be a better year. I'm really trying and really think I deserve a better year.....Please 2017 be good to me.
I received my first Christmas card today. I don't get near as many as I used to - but it made me think. This card I received is from someone that has made promises to my kids and never followed through. I feel like them sending out a card is them doing their good deed of the year. I really appreciate the cards I get from people that I used to know really well, but don't see anymore because I moved so far away. I love that they have still thought of me over the years. It is the local ones I have a hard time with - if you are just sending me a pity card - I don't want it.
I hate this feeling I have - I'm really angry about some of the people that said they would be there for me. I really didn't think they ever would. People never really mean that they'll be there for you. I never say it to people unless I really mean it. I know if they live far away or I rarely see them - then I probably won't follow through with an offer - so I just say I'm praying for them. I can do that.
Everytime I see someone mention that they'll be there for someone - I want to laugh. I know that they are just saying that. Do people really think about what they say? Why offer when you don't really mean it? I understand if you really meant it at the time and then something happens and you can no longer follow through with it - I get that life happens. It doesn't happen to pretty much everyone you know though.
I know that I'm one of the least approachable people around. I am fairly independent. I didn't used to be that way. Growing up I probably was, but then I got married. I became very dependent on Dave. I pushed him to do stuff together and around our house. I grew up not hiring people to do things and wanted to save money and do the same for ourselves. I never understood why my Dad didn't wait for people to help him more. I know now that when you want to do something - you don't want to have to find people to follow through with their offers to help you. You feel bad asking and you don't want to hear excuses of why people can't help you. My Dad was always the first one to offer to help people out - but I really didn't see a lot of that come back to him. There were a few - but not near as many as those he helped. He was never one to ask for help - and I guess I take after him in many ways. He keeps to himself for the most part and is a pretty quiet person. When he talks you generally listen. You have to listen carefully because he really like to tell you things that aren't true....it took me a long time to realize he did this. I used to think everything he told me was the truth....but he can really elaborate on a story ;) Most of the time he stretches it pretty far though - so you realize that he's joking.
For those reading this....I just want you to think of someone that you could reach out to. Have you told someone that you'd be there for them....have you really been there? Have you checked on them and asked them how they are doing? I know people ask that every day - but if you ask someone and really mean it - wow does that mean the world. Expect them to not say that things are going well - those of us that have to be strong all the time rarely tell people how we are really doing. We go along pretending every day that we are ok - so many times we are lying to ourselves so much that we just say we are fine 99% of the time. I've even lied and said I'm good on occasion....as people got tired of me saying I was ok :( I'm rarely good....I'm barely ok....very few people really care. At least I'm not crying in my pillow every day....that is a step forward I suppose.
I really need to get in a better holiday spirit. I keep trying....I have a couple presents I need to buy tomorrow for our adopted family at work. I have a few more presents to buy for our family as well. Since we do Secret Santa gifts - the gift buying has become a little easier but more thoughtless. I need to be more thoughtful throughout the year for birthdays - hopefully this year I'll get more on time.
Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year. I love the lights and how everyone just seems happier through the season. I love the extra baking. I especially love hosting at my house. This year I won't be home for Christmas and this will be the first year we aren't spending Christmas morning at home. Dave and I decided once we had kids that we wanted to be home on Christmas. It was a really nice tradition. The last 2 years we were still home - but it has never been the same.
I do feel better this Christmas. I do miss him shopping with me and I'm glad this year that I am not doing gifts for my kids so I don't have to shop for them without him.
I love Hallmark movies but I don't know why I subject myself to them. They make me realize more how much I miss having someone to love me. I do hope that someday I'll have that again. They have plenty of widow stories on hallmark even - but of course everyone on the shows is so pretty and if they have kids they are these perfect kids. I love my kids but they definitely aren't perfect. I've spoiled them and they've been through a lot that it would be hard to relate to them. They are doing better but I don't know that Malea would ever be open to having a male figure in her life again. Keagan would love it and I really love to have a male rold model for him. I've love someone to talk to about my kids - just someone to tell me that I'm doing too much - or that I'm doing a good job. I know I've said that before. I've had people tell me that I'm doing a good job - but they don't see me every day - they only hear about things once in a while. I don't share all of our happy times or our worst times. Someday I'd just love to be taken out to dinner. I know that invovles me somehow meeting someone. I keep hoping that some single guy will come to my gym. So far - mostly couples work out there - or really young people. So - I'm not sure that will happen. Plus - nobody really talks there - we just work out.
We are so looking forward to our trip. We can't wait for sun and beach life. I was hoping to lose more weight before my trip - but this season of awesome food has not helped me with that. I have been working out more and eating a little better - but it isn't enough to see much progress. I saw myself in a video the other day and man - I looked like a cow :( I thought I had lost some weight but it definitely doesn't look like it. I really need to do something major - I'm just not sure what it will take.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas. I plan to take lots of pictures and post them when we get back ;)
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)