I had so many high hopes for this year. I had hoped to buy and renovate a house or 2. I had hoped to lose weight and look like a decent member of society. I had hoped to get my house in shape so I could think about selling it. I was hoping to be better at managing everything.
Guess what - not one of those things happened:(
I did buy 2 houses and both are in progress. One is a rental and one I really want to get done and list for sale. I'm so close - but the last month has been challenging and I've been unable to work on it at all.
I think I'm basically the same weight I was at the beginning of the year - maybe even a little more :(
My house isn't any closer to being ready to list at all. I have so much work left to do and any money I put in to it - I'm pretty much guaranteed to not get back.
I suppose I should try to find some positives in the year:
1) My kids are both still here and most of the time they don't hate me.
2) I did get involved in something at church. I wasn't great at it - but I did put myself out there a little. Hopefully I'll be able to do some more things.
3) I've learned how to do A LOT of things that I never thought I could do.
4) I have been making more food at home - so that is a plus - hope to continue this to about 75% of the time at least.
Goals for 2016:
1) Lose WEIGHT!!!
2) Get organized
3) Declutter my house and life
4) Be a better Mom
I have way more - but that is all for now.
Last year, of course, was the worst year of my life. This year has been very difficult though. Things certainly don't seem to be getting any easier....just harder. I certainly cry far less than I did last year, but we'll attribute much of that to the antidepressants that I'm on. I think we'll attribute the rest to just exhaustion. I'm too tired to cry. I'm too exhausted to do almost anything really. I've definitely become really good at going through the motions. I have far less patience and I really hate that. I've always been a very patient person (unless we count driving - and then I've never been patient).
Things are really really hard. I keep thinking that I should be good at this by now - I should be able to handle it. I'm not though - I suck at it all. Things are just never going as I had planned and my kids aren't being parented the way that they should be.
I know that I'm supposed to trust that God will get me through this - but I don't see him sending anyone here to help me. That is what is so frustrating. I guess I should be happy that he hasn't sent any snow - that definitely adds to the difficulty for me.
I am looking forward to some down time. I am working just today and tomorrow and then I have the next 10 days off. I have some Christmas festivities in there - but the rest of the time I will be working on both of my houses and hopefully taking the kids somewhere. With their attitudes lately though - not sure if that is going to happen.
Very soon I'll be 38 and I would just like to crawl in to a hole for the next year. Too bad I can't do that - or wouldn't do that. I love Malea's philosophy - she wants to just fast forward our lives 5 years and we'll be so much better off. That would be so nice! Somehow I hope I'll have it figured out by then - but it will be Malea's senior year and I imagine that will be a very difficult year for me. Time certainly does fly - but the last 2 years have been very slow for me - stuck in quick sand feeling like I'm never going to claw my way out.
How I hope this next year I can find some way to be a little more positive.
Things have not been going well lately. I'm just stressed out to the max and feeling really bad that I'm so not in the Christmas spirit. I don't even have my tree up - and I'm not sure when or if it will even happen this year.
Everything is just coming at me and I'm really struggling.
I'm trying to make sure everyone around me is ok and taken care of. I feel like I have to do it all. It is just so much pressure. I've kind of done an ok job - but just ok - not great. I wish I could be more and do more.
People ask me how I'm doing constantly - and I really wish they wouldn't. Lately I've been telling most people what is going on and then I immediately feel bad that I bothered them with any information. I do only tell a few people - but a few extra people have asked me lately. It is probably the holidays and they just appear more concerned. I'm sure every single person has regretted asking me. I hate to make their problems seem less important. I have so much going on - that I really haven't been too concerned about other people and I'm sure I appear to be the most uncaring selfish person.
Therapy with Malea helped a bit today and I'm glad that I made her go despite her being sick. I learned a few things and have decided to try to come up with some things for her to do. She needs to have fun and be a kid - so I need to figure out a plan for that. Her birthday is Friday and she has decided not to have a party - which I'm really sad about. It is her 13th birthday and I wanted her to do something fun. She just doesn't think it is a good idea with how sick she has been. I'm trying to think of something we can do though. I may try to find somewhere for Keagan to go and make it just a night for us on Friday. I just have to see how she feels before I make plans. My goal this month is to just do a few fun things and lessen the movies and books and just have her present with other people. I'm hoping things will improve.
Always thankful for the prayers.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)