I was so worried about the holidays and how things were going to be. We made it! With few tears on my part even! It helped that a new little baby arriving helped soften the blow and gave us something to look forward to.
I know that Dave would be so excited for this new nephew as well. We always fought over holding our babies and he always took every opportunity to hold other babies of family members.
I had another dream of him the other day. We were at some strange camp thing watching someone perform. I'm thinking it was Malea. I know my Mom was there with me watching and we were outside. We were just sitting there and I look up and he's walking towards me. I just grabbed on to him and said - I didn't think you would come. I held on to him forever and then we went walking through this camp area. Then I woke up :( I wish the dreams would give me a message of some sort - letting me know that he was proud or something - or watching over us - or just something. I guess he says he loves me always in the dreams- maybe that is what I need to hear?
My birthday is Friday and New Year's right before....last holiday until Valentine's Day. I'm dreading all of them!. I'd prefer to just go by without anyone saying Happy Birthday to me. I've always loved my birthday - now it just feels like blah.....
Hope everyone else has a great New Year's and your 2015 is a great year!
To most - I'm probably not a bad Mom - but I so feel like one. Here are the reasons:
1. I totally forgot to get Keagan's teacher a gift. I went to the store last night and intended to get it then, but I just forgot. Keagan had fallen asleep on the way there and usually I tell him to remind me. She's been so awesome and I just feel bad. I forgot last year as well, but luckily there was a snow day - so I had a good excuse as to why they didn't get them. I don't have a good excuse today.
2. Malea had some white elephant thing she was supposed to do and we couldn't find anything that would work. Normally white elephant is supposed to be whatever you can find around the house - but apparently that isn't how it was working. In my defense though - I knew nothing about this until 11 pm last night.
3. Keagan was supposed to (I guess it was optional) bring a gift for everyone in the class. It completely slipped my mind.
4. I have this nephew coming and I've been working on a blanket for him since early October. It still isn't done - and he's going to be here in a few days. I think I'll still get it done - but nothing like last minute! I may be putting the edging on in the waiting room!
5. Keagan has 1 present under the tree - and it isn't really something that would be great just all by itself.
6. Malea has a couple presents under the tree, but nothing really awesome or anything.
7. I have purchased presents for my younger 2 sisters and my 2 nieces and nephew - but NOTHING for anyone else in my family. I don't even have a clue what I'm getting everyone else.
8. I have no plans for Christmas at all - no food or visiting or anything :(
9. I had great plans to go skiing or something over break - yet I have not actually put a plan in place and break starts today. Looks like nothing fun will be in the works :(
10. I never looked for our missing ornaments or the start for the top of the tree - so it is still topless :(
11. Malea was supposed to have a party last weekend for her birthday and we had to move that for fruit delivery. Then it was going to be this weekend - but one of her friends was going to be out of town - so the plan is now for January sometime. She hasn't had a party in 3 years now - and I just feel bad. She never had a cake or candles or anything this year :(
12. My house is a mess - this is pretty much not a big surprise to most. I really do try most of the time. I've spent most of my free time either working, dealing with sick kids, or working on this blanket.
I'm sure I could come up with many reasons - but 12 is probably good enough to show how awful I am :( I feel like the worst Mom ever.....
Today in church they talked about burdens and giving them to God. I have always been able to do this. Sometimes I struggled for a while before I gave in. I used to really struggle with racing thoughts at night - but I don't have that too much anymore since I started praying at night to calm my mind. Anyway...the pastor was saying at the end of service that we should give our burdens to God. He kept referring to financial and relationship issues - I just think that those are workable circumstances. They suck when you are in them - I know - but there are ways out of those issues. There is no way out of mine - I just have to deal with it. It was a very tough service for me.
It was a Christmas type service and families were singing Christmas carols and talking about their best Christmas memories at the beginning of the service. I just don't feel like I fit that. I'm certainly trying to trust that God has a plan for me - but it is hard. Most people's burdens seem so trivial to me now. I feel bad that I feel like that - but on a daily basis I bite my tongue from saying something to people that what they are complaining about it just really nothing to me.
I did have a busy weekend and despite this small setback - it was a pretty good weekend. I do have these awful fighting kids and I'm really starting to regret that I took time off for break. I might change my mind and go to work....they just won't stop fighting! It is physical too and it is just awful :(
We wrapped up this weekend by going to Climb Kalamazoo. It was our first experience and we had fun. We look forward to going again!
So...someone posted something Facebook the other day and it said: Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive?
There was, of course, more in this little phrase about other types of people. This sentence just struck me and I've been thinking about it ever since.
As pretty much everyone probably knows - I'm a fairly sensitive person. I probably cry more than the average person - even more now than ever. I feel things so deeply - and I am generally very aware of everything going on. I am very upset to find out people don't like me - especially without a reason.
I love so deeply as well - I give my all to my relationships - doing everything I possibly can to make the other person happy. I'm certainly no angel (ha ha), but I also cannot stay mad at the people I love. It is actually quite annoying to me that I can't stay mad (I have tried).
From the phrase above (I'm sure there is no study that has been done or anything on the matter - I kinda looked) I'm wondering if my sensitivity is what has led me to where I am. Part of me says - well what if I wasn't sensitive - would I have not been put through this horrible trial in my life? If so - I'd be as cold-hearted as they come. I wouldn't have had the chance to marry Dave then though - so I can't wish that was the case. He certainly was annoyed by my sensitivity, but I think he appreciated as well. I'll never know for sure I guess.
I certainly didn't think I'd ever survive this rotten hand I've been dealt. My kids keep me going though - and Dave wouldn't have wanted me to just give up. I may not know what is in store for me, but I'm certainly going to try to give them the best that I possibly can.
I I really don't think I'm strong - at all. I just think I'm surviving and doing what needs to be done. I hope Dave would be proud and appreciate what I'm doing - especially for our kids.
I love you to the moon and back Dave - and I always will!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)