I read something by One Fit Widow today that resonated with me and I wanted to write about it. Our stories are so eerily similar. Other than her being a huge fitness fanatic and succeeding - we have similar histories. She had an amazing relationship with her first husband. He died while their children were much smaller than mine. She got remarried in the last couple years and also married a divorced dad with 2 kids. So in total they had 4 - 2 girls and 2 boys. We of course have 3 girls and 1 boy.
You can read her post if you like - but this page doesn't like to link in a nice way.
My kids are very protective of me. They have seen some horrible treatment of me. They probably know more than they should. I'm pretty open with them. I think they should be aware but I do try to keep them out of things more now. It bothers James when they get involved, so I really try to keep it to myself. It is really hard since I don't have friends and Malea was my main person I talked to about anything.
One of my bonus daughters likes me. I still struggle with how to parent either of them. I go to James about everything that I struggle with. Sometimes he agrees - but doesn't know how to fix it. Sometimes he takes my suggestions and tries to address it. The other one fiercely hates me. She faults me for her parents not being together even though I never knew James when he was married.
James struggles with having a boy. Keagan is super high energy. He is not the best at listening. Lately especially he is angry about everything. We also have all of Malea's issues. They are better, but it is still quite hard on me. She doesn't like to see either of us hurt and really takes on way too much of what other people are going through.
Now that we have custody of one girl most of the time and the other one just every other weekend - we have all of these differences. We live in our car because we are responsible for 75% of the transportation and we feel like we live in our car. It's just so much time. Holidays are hard because we can't plan. Even though we have it in writing - it is still complicated.
I always try to do what is best for the girls - but I also have my kids to put in the mix as well as my sanity. This year I asked that we split Christmas break in half. That has become a nightmare. I want to stay home on Christmas and not have to meet somewhere. It is written that way - but we are getting backlash so I haven't even made plans because of it. At this point the girls will basically miss out on everything with my family. That is just the way it will have to work though.
I just have never seen so much hatred and manipulation. It hurts me so much to watch it and be a part of it. I won't be manipulated - but sometimes it happens before I find out about it and I can't go back and fix it.
It's just so hard. One day - one of the girls told my kids how much it sucks to have divorced parents. Keagan chimed back in well - it really sucks to have a dead one. I would much rather Dave and I be divorced that him be dead - I really would. We were both amazing parents and I think we would have always done what was best for them. It hurts to watch 2 parents that are both alive not be able to work things out. Don't they know how lucky they are? They are both still here. Their kids have both of their parents. James tries very hard - he really gives in a lot....and that hurts too because he always gets the raw end of the deal. Both girls have me too - and how lucky they should be - but nobody looks at it that way. I've tried to give so many new experiences but I feel like I'm not appreciated at all. I know that is normal for kids - but sometimes I really just want to only do stuff when my kids are home.
I do really hope that someday love will shine through and they will see we tried to do the best we could.
I love The Message on XM. I listen to it whenever I'm in my Sequoia. I heard this song Blessings by Laura Story. It's a very beautiful song. However I really struggle with it. In high school I was the ultimate Christian teenager I guess I would say - or a true Jesus Freak. I really was all about going to church as much as possible. I read my Bible a lot. I was a good girl. I didn't work on Sundays so that I could go to church and I went to youth group pretty much every time they had it. I even had a debate at lunch with 2 atheists in my school. We were never able to convince them of anything - but they pretty much strengthened our faith - so I still call it a win. Nothing really bad had happened to me in my life up to that point. I didn't have any deaths in my family - I had both sets of grandparents. My parents were together and we had everything we needed. The worst thing that had happened to me at that point was switching churches. I hated leaving the church I grew up in - I knew everyone there. I loved the church I went to as a teen though too. I just missed a lot of the families we had always been with. Some went to our new church as well - so that helped.
Then.....1998 hit. I was supposed to get married that year. My parents sold our house and moved to a podunk town called Sturgis. Everything changed that year. I obviously didn't get married. I ended up having to move with my parents to Sturgis - living with my sister didn't work out well and I just felt helpless and worthless living in my hometown without the plans I originally had. One of my best friend broke his neck. It was really just a rough year for me. I didn't like the church my parents went to. I really struggled finding a job and obviously had zero friends. I didn't leave my faith but man I really questioned things. I think this was when everything just changed. I just lost hope in like everything. I never thought things would be ok. I wouldn't have been a Jesus Freak like I had been if people would have asked me. I was more of a closet Christian I think. I'm glad I never went down a bad road - I am very thankful for that. I did meet Dave this year - but we didn't start dating until 1999 - so I guess it ended somewhat ok. I did end the year as the director of this amazing Christmas program called "Santa Bowed at Christmas". It was one of the things I was very proud of - and I really missed being a part of something like that. I haven't since and wish I could do something great like that again.
I started dating Dave in 99 like I said and basically my faith I had then pretty much stayed that way for years. Dave grew up Jehovah's Witness and while he would go to church with me - he definitely was hesitant about a lot of things. The way he grew up was not something he wanted for his kids in any way. We went to one church for quite a few years but stopped when Keagan was born due to his allergies and Dave's work schedule. We made sure Malea always went to AWANA - that was huge for me. I really was trying to find a great youth group for her.
Then - Dave died. I will be honest and say that I'm pretty sure I was like faithless and hopeless for a while. I found a new church and started going in July of 2014. Only 3 months after he died I started going there. I've been going there ever since. It has helped a bit. I never doubted the existence of God - I've always seen him in the lives of others. I never really have seen him be there for me. I know that is awful to say - trust me. That is just the way I felt. I've had some very rough years. I really really try. I still try my best to live a good life and focus on what the Bible says. I really try to push these Godly principles down to my kids. I really try to be an example. I want people to see Him in me.
I want to hope that God sent James to me. He really makes me think and he's always telling me that God will take care of us. We just need to trust him. I honestly don't at all. I don't trust that things will be ok - they haven't been ok for a really long time. They have gotten better - but still not ok. I still have such a long way to go. How can I trust that things will be ok when they've been so hard. I've lost so much and we still haven't come through this.
We are struggling with our church now and questioning whether we should leave. I hate looking for a church. I actually have people that know me here. I can't get my kids excited to do anything though. Malea goes to youth group activities - but not youth group. It was such a big part of my life and really shaped me - even though I'm not the same as I was then.
I want to be the example for my kids. I want them to see His light shine. I don't know how though. How can I tell them to trust God when I can't give examples. Maybe people see something that I don't? I'm constantly praying and asking for help. I just don't see it.
Anyway the point of this was the song. I'm just not sure how my life can him being merciful. How can everything that I've gone through be mercy. Am I supposed to be happy that he spared me or that he spared my kids? I almost lost one of them due to this apparent merciful act of killing their Dad.
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
I'm sorry if this is such a disappointment. I'm just struggling and when I struggle I write these dumb posts that make me sound like an awful person.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)