Things haven't been going well lately. It affects more than just me - but I feel so guilty about all of it. All of what is going on stems from Dave's death - So that makes me feel guilty. I'm the one that married him and made this life with him and made everyone love him as much as I did. I had to have kids and pushed him until he agreed to have them as well. I know he wanted kids - so I didn't force him or anything. It was just something I wanted so badly.
So now - here I am feeling so bad about my biggest decision. I don't regret marrying him - but I regret all the stuff that everyone is going through because of my choice. It is very hard to live with. I just wish I could make it all better.
Things have been so crazy and stressful lately. I guess they seem somewhat normal. I think that is my normal - crazy, stressful and busy. If I don't think about all I have to do and just do it - then I can handle it better. I can't make lists or think much about what is going to get accomplished - I just have to do it. If I plan something - it never seems to go right - so I get frustrated. Not planning though is so hard for me. I'm a planner - always have been. It is just that lately I'm getting so upset that those plans don't get done. I hope to someday get back to that......
We are embarking on some new adventures. Malea is going to be going to school partial days starting next week. She is going to do this until after Christmas break. We (Dr., therapist and I) are all hoping that this short little break will help her to acclimate better and allow her to better cope. I am very nervous about this. I was hoping to get a break at work and try to help with this transition - but that is not going to happen. I applied for a new opportunity in my town and really hope that it is a possibility. It is not what I want to do - but I would still be good at it and it is local. That is the biggest thing that I need - to be closer to my kids when they need me.
I really need a break - but I know a lot of people say that and it isn't an option. It may not be for me either - I just know that the current situation is not working. It sucks to be trapped and not know what to do. I'm hoping that the next year things will line up better and I'll be able to figure some things out. For now though - it is just a mess.
Since Malea has been less angry and nicer to the people around her - I've noticed a big change with Keagan. He's back to more of himself - the loving little boy that I know. We still have a few issues - but what I was dealing with a few weeks ago isn't there now. That was definitely something I had not seen before and I'm glad it is gone. It made me question everything and I really wondered if I was better off not being around...I obviously wasn't doing a good job. I know now that it wasn't really me - I couldn't control it. I really hope that at least this area is on its way back up and I can focus on the other areas that I need to change.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)