I have now had 3 dreams with Dave in them.
The first dream I had right after he died. I dreamt that he came back and I was freaking out that I had started all these processes and let everyone know that he died and I was going to have to figure out how to undo everything. He just laughed but somehow I knew in the dream that it wasn't true.
The second dream started out similar to the first in that I was freaking out. We went everywhere - we went and saw his brother and some of his friends. I don't remember the kids being in any of these dreams. Somehow we both just knew that this was the end. I had felt like this was him actually saying Goodbye to everyone. He just held me and I just cried and said how much this completely sucks. He agreed with me and just held me. I had felt like he was telling me that I would be ok, but that it wasn't the way it should have been. For some reason this dream portrayed everything he was. He loved me and knew that it was hard, but also basically assured me that this was just how it was. That is what he would have told me - anytime something happened - he just always assured me it would be ok. I felt like that was what he was doing - even though it completely sucks.
I had not had a dream with him in it since that one (which was probably in June). I did dream of him last night. I don't know what we did in the beginning of the dream - we went somewhere on a family trip (I was thinking yesterday that I really miss those weekend getaways we had). Then we stopped somewhere to eat - which of course we always did. We had a problem with the tip...I remember the bill being 26.42 - not sure where we ate or anything - but that was the total. I remember for some reason not being able to add the tip on at the register - so I went and put $5 on the table. He was paying and ended up leaving a $5 tip as well. We just laughed and said oh well....he always did tend to over tip. I remember we had sent the kids to the car because they were annoying us. I somehow went to the bathroom as well and he ended up coming in there and there were a ton bunch of men in the women's bathroom - I don't get that part of the dream at all - I know he laughed at that - and had touched my head over the stall when he first came in (the were really short stalls). This was a strange part of the dream - because it didn't have anything to do with this - other than make the kids wait in the car longer. We went out to the car and the kids were running around the car - but getting along (totally know it is a dream when this happens). We then went to the car and started driving my hand. We started talking quietly about this being our last trip and the last time the kids would see him. He took my hand and then I woke up :( I really tried to go back to sleep to see him again, but couldn't :(
I really don't know what dreams mean or how people feel about them- but these totally felt like him being there for me and telling me I'm doing ok and will be ok. These 2 dreams especially just seemed so real.
I asked the kids if they have had any dreams and they haven't. Malea only says that she has had dreams that she's watching Dave get in the car accident and she calls out to him, but he doesn't hear her :(
Missing him so much - but I really appreciate these little visits. Makes me still feel like he's out there still loving me.
Dave and I have always been pretty fortunate to be able to work schedules that worked and afforded us the life we desired. We certainly had times of hardship - and problems - but we felt we were very blessed. Even when we struggled - we always made it a point to help others out that were less fortunate than us. I think we adopted a family almost every year - as well as did the Angel Tree or something like that - a couple of years it was just the Angel Tree - finding families wasn't always easy to do. We wanted our kids to know that it is important to know that we shouldn't take what we have for granted and no matter what - should help others. Our kids really got in to it. For the Angel Tree - I always picked kids that matched our kids ages and they would help pick something out. Keagan has a very giving heart - he always wants to help everyone.
I hope to always keep this going - especially now with Widow Elf.
Now though - I am probably going overboard with my kids. I buy them way too much - we really always have. For Malea this year - he is getting some practical gifts that I think she'll really use. I haven't completely figured everything out.
In the past we both felt guilty for not having enough family time - with all of us together. We always took so many little family outings due to this.
My kids still want to do these little vacations and I'm just not up to doing them all by myself. So - this is causing me to buy way too much.
I just feel like I'll be screwing them up for life. I don't want them to feel entitled. I still want them to work for everything - but even that will be limited as to what they can do until they turn 18.
I also know that I will only be able to afford some things for just a short time - so I'm trying to take that in to consideration.
I would live in a box on the street if I could have my family whole again - but that isn't possible. I'm supposed to be thankful for what I have - and it is so extremely difficult.
I'm stressed out to the max over everything that I need to do. The holidays are so busy always for me with both kids having birthdays in November and December. It doesn't help that I'm having panic attack wondering how I'm going to get through all of this. I have to pretend to be happy...so nobody thinks I'm being negative :( I really wanted to go somewhere, but since I didn't plan anything - not likely going to happen.
I took tomorrow off to clean my house...how sad is that! I just can't manage to get it clean on the weekends and few nights that I try to do stuff during the week. I'm also missing my good boots and it is driving me nuts that I can't figure out where I put them in the Spring. They have to be in a box or something somewhere....
Someday I'd love to actually have a clean house!
I also need to go to the dump, remember to pay my water bill and get the tire fixed on the truck. Keagan's party is on Saturday, so I need to make cupcakes as well - but I'll probably do that Saturday morning. We invited his entire class and only one person said they were coming :( I hope he won't really notice - since we have plenty of family coming. Malea invited some kids as well - so hope a few of them come.
My baby is going to be 6 tomorrow! I can't believe he's been with us for 6 years. We weren't sure we were going to add another kid to our family, but we couldn't have imagined life without this little funny dude! He is so sweet and is always giving me plenty of hugs and always wants to be by me.
I went shopping to get him something for his birthday and I almost lost it. I kept my composure though. I just have never bought anything for their birthdays without discussing it with Dave first. I did order him something that isn't here yet that I know he'll love. Hoping it is here for his party on Saturday.
Malea just wants books for her birthday (and jeans - since hers no longer fit:( ). I think that her house someday will have a library - she's be a perfect Belle - just hopefully no Beast :)
Keagan has snack tomorrow and I read about using ground flax seed as a substitute for eggs - and he wanted brownies, so I tried it. For some reason egg re-placer causes cakes and brownies to bubble. The kids said that they tasted really good, but they didn't look good enough for me to send in to class. So - I decided to make the cake I usually do, but with cupcakes instead. Malea didn't like the vanilla frosting, but liked the cake - so hopefully they will go over well.
Some day I'm hoping to slow down a bit, just so I can clean my house :( Every weekend I make progress, but then the week comes and ruins most everything I do :(
Malea brought up almost all of her grades. She only has one I'm not happy with due to losing a notebook that she didn't inform me of until Friday morning (which was the last day to turn late assignments in). She ended up with 5 A's, 1 B (in the class she had trouble in most of this semester) and 1 C (the class with all the missing assignments - also probably her most capable class....). Overall - I'm happy with these grades since we've had so many issues this last month. I think she's learned a lot - and knows that currently I'm not trusting her.
Her room is also mostly clean....FINALLY! She still has some to work on, but she got so much farther than before. I still think it should be spotless, but for some reason I have unreasonable expectations sometimes.
I'm still quite worried about her. She's been sleeping a lot lately. She recently said something about constantly dreaming about the accident. She had never said this before. She said she's there witnessing the accident and she cries out for Dave and he doesn't answer :( Breaks my heart any time I hear this stuff :( Many days she seems fine, but I know she is still hurting. Yesterday - I couldn't find her. I looked all over (thinking she was in her room) and I finally called her cell a couple of times. I was really starting to freak out. I went in to rooms, looking under blankets and everything for her. Finally I heard some light snoring/breathing. She was sleeping in Keagan's closet! She wasn't impressed when I woke her up - but she really scared me!
So far - from looking at Keagan's grades online he's Meeting Expectations everywhere. His report card will break everything down more, but he seems to be doing very well. He really seems to love school - he never really complains about going. I have had some attitude problems lately where he's very mad about not getting his way. He's also very clingy. I think the more he's with me - the more clingy he gets. He still says occasionally that he misses Dave, but his grief doesn't seem to be affecting him all that much. I think we'll see more down the line unfortunately. Maybe by then - I'll be able to handle it much better....than I currently am with Malea.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)