Every time I think things are going ok in my life and everyone is starting to move forward - I realize I've been living in a dream world and it really isn't going ok.
Things are really bad right now with someone in my family. Multiple issues going on and I have idea how to navigate it. I google it and the biggest suggestion is to talk it over with the other parent. Well....I wish I could do that. When you have no idea how to do something - you need that other person to bounce something off of. This was the original reason I started going to therapy - but it didn't help. They don't give you advice really - they aren't someone you can bounce ideas off of. If you have 2 scenerios - they can maybe help you weight the pros and cons of both - but they don't steer you one way or another. I don't have another option though.
My sleep is really starting to be messed up due to these issues. I'm making Keagan sleep with me again since I at least sleep a little better/longer with him in there. How sad is that??
I wish I was close with my Pastor and maybe we could talk - but I have never even really met the guy. He has no idea who I am.
Please keep me in your prayers. I'm really struggling.
I finally sold my first house!! That makes me sound like a realtor - but it was my house!! Until today, I had only purchased houses - I had never sold one! It feels good:)
I feel so much relief - financially especially!! I'm looking forward to having some savings again. I want to say I'm taking a break - but I still have quite a few more things to do at my other houses. I feel like I can start to focus on something else now though and breathe. House sales in Three Rivers have definitely slowed down - so I think renting might continue to be the best option. Hoping to be ready in mid-November. Right now I'm waiting on some electrical work.
I need to focus on my own kitchen - I need to measure it and get new cabinets lined up.
We've started planning family get togethers for the holidays. I think we have them all set. I really wish I had something planned with Dave's side. His 2 brothers don't talk, so there won't be a family get together :( This really saddens me. I'm starting to hardly feel a connection with his family anymore. His Mom still calls and sees us - but she doesn't do holidays so that won't matter anyway.
I was so pumped after my house sale today. I so wanted to call someone or text someone and express my relief. I had nobody to call though :( Nobody realizes how stressful this has been and how much this really helps me. I know I post a lot on facebook - it is my outlet. I probably annoy people and post too much. It is so hard not having that person to talk to - be proud of you. I think Dave would really love what I have done and how I'm trying to prepare for the future. I don't know though - maybe he'd think I was dumb for doing what I did. I have no idea :(
I remember when I hardly ever posted to Facebook. Looking at my Timehop - most everything before the last 3 years were just picture posts or posts about my kids. Sorry for bombarding everyone the last almost 3 years :(
I've been trying to dive in to some self help type education. I know that how I've been dealing with things is not ideal, so I can only go up from here, right? I had been doing pretty good - I was really seeing what I needed to change and have been trying to figure out how to not only know it - but put it in to practice. I'm good at knowing things - but putting them in to practice is another story. I don't just want to practice them - I want to change and have them be a normal part of my life.
I've been working on the physical side of me for a while. I have a LONG way to go, but after the outdoor park this weekend - I definitely know that I have improved. I wish I could see it on the outside - but it has to mean something about how far I've come, right?
This morning a pastor friend of mine posted a question on facebook. He wanted to know what the most damaging thing something has said to you and the most positive thing someone has said to you. I actually wanted to respond to this - I've been hurt plenty in my life. I realized something while thinking about that - I really can't remember much of what people said to me before Dave died. The most damaging thing in my life that was said to me: "He didn't make it". It ended my world as I knew it - the life we had planned and any plan we had for our kids. I could hardly remember anything positive after that. I've had a pretty good life - I did pretty well in school and at work so I know I've had plenty of positive comments. I just keep thinking how many people say - you are strong. That is both a positive and a negative. Yeah - I'm capable of doing things - however being that way also makes it so that people don't think I need any help. I've been trying to prove something to myself for the last 2 years - that I can do pretty much anything. I don't have a man to rely on and I don't want to pay for everything - so I set out to prove it. I did pretty good I'd say.
Then....Malea had a doctor appointment today. It was to go over her anti-depressant and stop seeing the psychiatrist. It didn't go well. Usually I like the person I requested to see - but she didn't have many positive things to say. I've been trying so hard and Malea has really been doing so well. I just lost it . I'm stretched to the max with all these appointments and they don't want to ease up and just wanted to add more. I cried for the 1st time in a while. She's like - don't you have family to help you? I do have family - but they don't live close enough. I begged and got some help this week - but I can't keep asking people to help me - plus it will start costing me more than I'm saving by not coming home.
I am supposed to officially be selling my Sturgis house - so that will free up some time. I really debated on whether I should give up my workouts today so I could cover the appointments for Malea. It is something I really look forward to though - I just can't do it. I don't think it would be good for the kids if I had to give that up. If anyone has any idea on how to clone myself - I'd really love to hear it.
I feel like I'm in limbo. I've been here so many times in my life - but this is truly the worst. We've been here before, but when you have someone to be there with you - it is much easier to navigate. We could talk about our frustrations and just lean on each other. Dave was always the glass half full type most of the time. He rarely ever stressed about things. It would always annoy me how laid back he was when I was pulling my hair out. It really worked for us though - I stressed out enough for the both of us. It was nice that he would always just believe that everything was going to work out. I miss having him here to calm me down. He would tell me to quit worrying as there was nothing I could do about it anyway. That is very true now - and I always jump to conclusions and think the worst is going to happen. Most of the time he was right and things worked out just fine for us.
I keep trying to think that everything will work out in the end. It is really hard right now. Everything is starting to fall apart. I'm having to come up with plan B's right and left to just hang on. I guess it is good that I have a plan B option - but that is soon to run out as well :( I don't have a plan C option. Unfortunately my Plan B is only for me and doesn't help the others that are waiting in the wings for this deal to go through :(
I am still working out and trying to stay on top of things. I haven't been able to add in an additional day back in - so I'm at 2-3 days per week. I've missed a few Saturdays because I just needed more sleep. My son has decided that I'm not allowed to take naps - so a sleep in day is the only way that I get caught up. I know that is supposed to be not the right way to do things - but that works for me.
I'm working on trying to rent out my old house. I've only had 2 showings so renting is going to be the best way to go for me. It gets me out of having to pay the utilities at least and cover at least some of my mortgage. I am hoping to be ready Nov. 1st - but I have to get an inspection and have some electrical work that needs to be done first. I might have to go a little later than that. I still have a few things there - but that won't take much longer. I also have some trim to get in there. I do have to figure out what I'm going to do with the truck. I don't really have a lot of extra places to park things at my new house. I hope to build a garage or pole barn in the next year - but that is another thing that has to wait on my Sturgis house to sell.
Keagan is doing really well in school. He didn't do so well on his reading test - but I'm not sure why. I don't know many other 2nd graders - but I really think he's doing very well. Malea was a good reader - but not very confident in 2nd grade. She wouldn't read out loud much and didn't read everything she saw. Keagan does both of those - so I actually think he is a little ahead of where she was in 2nd grade in regards to reading. She tested well though and he doesn't test as well. So - I need to figure out how to work on that.
Malea is doing ok. Her mental state is still really good. She's always talking to friends online and that is a huge move forward. She is doing better in school - but has started slacking the last 2 weeks and I'm struggling to know what is turned in and what is not. I'm working on getting access to more things so that I can keep track better. I hope someday I don't have to constantly hound her. My Mom never had to monitor my work - she wouldn't have been able to keep up with it! I bought paint for her room 2 weeks ago and have been waiting for her room to be clean so I could paint. It has not been as bad as her old room, but she still has so much in the garage that she doesn't have a ton of things to make it messy at this point. I'd like to get it painted so I can get some more stuff hung up and off the floor.
I have created a calendar and have been putting jobs on there for the kids every day. Most days it is working out ok. Some days no matter how much I hound them - they don't do them :( Yesterday was one of those days. I added twice as many jobs for them for today - so we'll see how that goes. I started giving them the job of emptying one box from the garage per day. If we each empty one every day - we should have the garage emptied by December:)
I've been missing Dave so much lately and really struggling doing so much on my own. Malea has had a lot of appointments lately and these are different than all of the appointments from the last year. These are for fixing actual problems with her that they have determined :( Nobody seems to have appointments after 3:30 - so that is a lot more running for me. Next week I found someone to help out - which is awesome. I still have to leave work early 2 days though. At least now it is only about 45 mintues and not 2 hours.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)