- I keep thinking that things have to go up from here - but that doesn't seem to be happening. I'm finding very little to be positive about in my life lately. I just keep thinking there has to be an opening to this horrible fog to let me see something bright and cheery. I need to find it - but I haven't been open to searching for it either. Some days I just want to stay here - I suppose I'm comfortable here. People ignore me and that is ok - they can't relate to me anyway. People get to go on with their happy little lives and I'm glad that they don't have to endure the pain that I'm in on a daily basis. It is hard to watch, but I'm glad for them.
I found the picture above and hope it is something that Dave would wish for me. It wouldn't really be something he would say as written. He'd probably put some funny spin on it and make me smile. I know he would have done that. He could take the worst situation and turn it around and find some good in it. I never really thought about that while he was here - but it was certainly always the case. I know he would be doing so much better than I am....that is just how he was.
I know part of this is just me and how uncertain everything is. I don't do well with uncertainty. Even in my worst points - I was able to figure out some sort of plan to keep on going. I just can't seem to do it this time. All my current focus is on Malea and trying to figure out how to help her. It is making me not focused in pretty much every other area. As my therapist pointed out - Malea and I are responding very similarly to this horrible tragedy. I just happen to have 2 little people that get me out of bed every day. I knew that was part of it - and I so understand what Malea is going through. I still have my Dad - but the bond we both had with Dave - I can understand that loss. I know that I would not be out of bed - if even still here at all - if I didn't have my kids. I just hope that I can keep it up and have a positive outcome and develop 2 great members of society despite my shortcomings.
I'd really just love to know - how much worse it is going to get before it finally gets better. Something has got to give - and it can't always be me!!!
When I was younger - around the ages of 8 and 15 - I used to really hate that people would hug me or get close to me. It just made me uncomfortable and I didn't like it. I would say I probably stayed that way until I had my first boyfriend. He was definitely a hugger - his family was that way and he was always holding my hand, putting his arm around me or hugging me. That was odd for me - but I really learned to enjoy it. Dave was the same way. We always sat really close to each other on the couch. His family isn't as affectionate, but he was always very affectionate with our kids. I have always made it a point to have a fairly affectionate household. Keagan actually won't go in to school without a hug and a kiss (unless he's mad at me - and then I still give him a hug). Malea doesn't like hugs as much - but I still give them to her. She does love to sit on top of me or put her legs over my lap - so I know she still appreciates the affection we've shown her. Not too many other people get close to her - so she doesn't get too many hugs that I'm aware of. She doesn't hate it though I don't think, like I did at her age.
I decided to try to research and see if I could turn off the need for human contact and apparently - it isn't possible :( I was hoping I could teach myself to go back to how I was as a child and hate for people to touch me. I wouldn't want to stop hugging my kids - but was hoping I could become more cold to the rest of the world. Guess I'll just have to deal....I know people that seem to be this way - so I wish I could be that way. They aren't the most loving people though - so I guess I don't want to lose that aspect. I have learned to basically go a whole day without hardly talking. If it wasn't for my kids and the occasional phone call I take at work - I could probably go the whole day in silence.
I feel like I've been in a fog lately. I have been striving to try to lose some weight and clean my house - and I've been making a bit of progress. I have been busy working on a plan for my Grandma's house and I haven't been at my other house very much in the last month. I really want to get it done. I was hoping I could get 2 closets worked on this weekend. Saturday is busy - so I'm not sure I can get over there much this weekend. The week days have been crazy and I just haven't been able to get over there.
I've been feeling like the worst parent ever lately with how things have gone with my kids. I really thought I was doing my best, but my best just wasn't good enough. I give everything I am to my kids - I really do. I put them before everything. They may think sometimes that I put my other house first - but it is all for them. I'm trying to make it so I can be there for them even more.
I don't really think I'm a bad parent - but I certainly have missed some key things that I should have addressed sooner. I really thought Malea had a break through and was finally doing better. I was so wrong - I don't know if she had finally fooled me as she was trying to do that - or if she just was guilty about starting to get better and regressed. These last 2 weeks have been really awful and I have been living in fear that I'm losing my daughter forever.
After talking with her therapist last night I did finally feel a little better that I'm not completely at fault here. I do think that I waited too long thinking she'd get through this without any outside medicine. I didn't want to put her on something with as young as she is. She can't keep going the way she is though. I had started talking to her about this possibility a couple of weeks ago and she just said it wouldn't work. Medicine isn't going to help because it isn't fixable. I totally get that - I agree. The medicine isn't going to take away the pain - but it will lessen how much it affects you. It will help you function and relieve some of the extreme stress.
I really hope that the Dr. today listens and agrees with me and the therapist about this.
I've been so focused on Malea that I think I let Keagan get away with too much. He's been very angry and mouthy lately. I've been putting the brakes on how he's talking to me - but he still seems to be doing it on a daily basis. I think he's picking up on much of Malea's mood and how I don't correct her as much since I'm afraid to cause more pain than she's already in. I've been very worried about being the cause of her possibly hurting herself. She hasn't done that - but I still worry about pushing her to that point.
I so love my kids and really wish I could help them more. It is so different to lose a parent than a husband - so I can't completely relate to them - but I do understand their pain. I just wish I could do something more.
For some reason - I keep having these things pop up about how you need to value yourself before you will get anywhere in life. It is strange how they keep popping up. I've seen them sporadically over time - but now I get them in various emails and just more people post about these types of things.
I'm taking it as kind of a sign. However - I don't know how to improve my self worth. I've thought for pretty much as long as I can remember that I'm pretty much worthless. I've always defined my worth by what I contribute to something or how well I did in school. I was never the top - always somewhere in the middle. I was never at the bottom - but always felt that was where I most likely belonged.
These days - I feel like I'm the last person that anyone would talk to. I know this isn't far from fact and is really hard to try to feel better about myself when I'm the only one that seems to notice that I exist. I know I have to stop saying these things out loud. Malea noticed that I'm not nice to myself and is worried that I'm going to leave her. I would never do that - I know how much they need me. They are my whole reason for existing. I was trying to make her feel better. Even though her attitude sucks sometimes - I know that there are so many people that care about her. She said that she wishes people would just leave her alone and not take to her. I was trying to explain this to her that I would be so happy if I was bombarded with people that wanted to talk to me - wanted to know how I was doing. I was trying to show her how much she means to so many people. I know she knows this - but she thinks everyone is just fake and asking her because I tell them to or something.
This is such a hard life and I don't know why I was chosen to live this sucky life. I guess I've learned to manage most things now - though it is still very difficult to accomplish everything that I should be accomplishing. I really suck at so many things! It would be so much easier if I could eliminate some driving - that is for sure - I'd have so much more time that way.
I really want to instill in my kids that they are worth more than anything - I'm just not sure how I can do that when I feel like such a piece of garbage. I don't know how to not feel this way. I can certainly pretend to be arrogant - I'm good at that. However - I don't really believe any of what I say.
I try not to be negative - and I somewhat succeed at that - I'm not positive by any means though. I'm just neutral and that is boring to most people. Overly bubbly people annoy me and I just hate being fake. I think I need to learn how to pretend better.....I was never good at imaginary play!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)