Someone posted this picture today and oh how true it is. I feel like I'm no longer here. I go on every day acting the same as I always have. I'm still the chauffeur, the maid, the handy man, the mean Mom that I was before. I'm just even more of those things....that is really all I am. I have no other place in life other than to be those things. My kids no longer have the fun parent...he's gone. The person that would stick for me and back me up is no longer there :(
Everyone says this will get easier. I don't know how that is possible - my responsibilities will not lessen - they will increase with time until the kids are on their own. Sure - I could hire some things out - but likely I won't for the every day tasks. I have to do them myself - I can't always rely on paying someone to do them. I just wasn't raised that way. I'm capable....just overwhelmed! Is there a pill for that? Maybe so....
Winter is coming - and while I hate the cold - I don't have to look outside and see all the yard work that needs to be done. I will hire out my driveway to be plowed - that is one thing I'm not willing to do. Our snow blower is a piece of crap and I don't have the time to spend hours out there shoveling snow. I will just shovel enough to allow us to get the mail. Praying for a light snow winter:)
We had our grief group meeting last night. The kids really enjoy going and never complain about it coming up. Keagan frequently asks if it is Journey's night. Malea doesn't, but does not complain about going. Some other parents there say that kids complain about going, but I don't have that issue at least. Every few times we go, the kids make some sort of project. Last night they made Luminaries (I think that was what they are called) - basically jars that they decorated and you can put a candle in. In Malea's group, they had a ceremony. I could tell Malea had been crying. Keagan said they didn't do that in his group - I think they don't get as serious in his group.
In the adult group we talked about grieving kids and how to help. I just feel like I suck as a parent. One was to look at grief from their point of view and try to help them. I keep trying to help, but I can't turn off my own grief. I'm an overly emotional person to begin with. I think my kids see this as a weakness - probably everyone else does as well. I don't know how to fix that.
I got so angry yesterday because I wanted to take back that stupid yard vacuum I bought. I can't get it in my car though :( I got it out because it was in the box - but I can't get it back in. I tried to get Malea to help me, but she really has like 0 strength and I just got mad at her for not trying. Things like this are so frustrating for me. I can do so much on my own, but I can't take back this stupid thing, because it is too heavy for me to lift :( This makes me feel bad too because I get so mad and it really isn't her fault. I did at least apologize. I might invest in some sort of ramp so I can get heavy things up higher.
I have been trying to find old videos that might have Dave in them - or at least his voice. It dawned on me that we had some old phones that might have the memory cards in them. Dave's current phone did not have too many videos on it. His old phone had the memory card and had 28 videos on it. Only one has him in it just a little, but most all of them have his voice at least. I watched them all right before bed last night. I'll be showing them to the kids soon - Keagan is really little in most of them - so it is so fun to watch.
Of course watching these videos made me smile and think of all the fun we had and how he loved to take videos of his kids and interact with them. It also made me sad - thinking we will likely never be that happy again :( I know I'm supposed to believe there is a plan, but the future doesn't look so good to me right now.
So after getting upset with Malea for the millionth time over her room and missing assignments....we finally made some progress (well...I won't really know for a few days). She talked to a counselor yesterday, but wouldn't talk to me about it. She just told me the counselor would call me. Well, I haven't heard from her yet, so she talked to me about it.
They talked about the different stages of grief. Malea said that she is in and out of the anger stage. That has been quite apparent. She also said she is just going through life hoping that she'll wake up to a bad dream. I totally get where she's coming from - I feel the same way. I know he won't come back, but I don't know how to quite move forward either.
It is really difficult to try to help her out and be positive when I'm having such a hard time myself. I explained that her Dad would only want the best for her - no matter what.
I told her we need to come up with a list of what we think Dave would have done with them. I told her that I can't guarantee that I can do them with her (I have some limits to what I'll do). I will find some way for these things to be done though. So far...this is what we came up with:
Hiking in the mountains (I think I can do this)
Cliff jumping (any volunteers?? not thinking this is one I'll do)
Sky diving (way in the future....and something they planned to do when she was 18, so we have a few years to find a volunteer)
Parasailing (I might be able to talked in to doing this - I have actually thought about it before now)
I'm so glad she finally talked to me - and cried. I know a little bit of what is going on in her head.
I so wish I could focus solely on them right now.....not sure how well I'm doing , but I certainly hope it isn't too bad.
So - this weekend was very busy. Saturday I had planned on helping my Mom with her new counter. I got there and some things were missing that we needed - so we had to head off to the store - I'll be happy when Sturgis someday gets a Menard's or something - you have to drive a half hour to get to any home improvement store! Once we finally got a plan in place - I measured everything (with a little of my Dad's help/input and started along. It looks really nice. We ran out of grout though at 8 and that was too late to go to the store again and come back and finish. We only did about half of the counter since the next part has a spot that needs fixing and it goes around the sink. It will be interesting working around the sink! I'm getting plenty of tile experience should I ever find myself needing to supplement my income or something :)
Yesterday we went to Amazing Acres. Growing up I have such fond memories of going to Apple Orchards/Cider Mills. My Mom heard about this place, so we went to check it out. It was more of a fun place for the kids - but they didn't have apples or cider (other than by the cup). The activities were fun, but if we wanted to do this often, we'd have to also find a cider mill to go to.
We used to travel a lot - usually every 2-3 months or so to do something fun. We didn't go anywhere big - but we'd go do fun activities. Many families don't do as much as we did - but due to our busy lives, we found it necessary to get away.
Normally - at this time of the year - it would be my busiest time of the year. Halloween, the kid's birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas - so much planning and prep to get everything done. Now I don't want to do any of it. The kids won't let me get away with nothing for their birthdays though - so I kind of have a tentative plan for those. I just need to call to reserve the plan for Keagan's bday - he'll be mad if I don't get that worked out.
I do have a new nephew coming and I'm really happy for my sister. I know I'm not as awesome as I would have been if Dave were here. I would have been able to spend some time with her without the kids to help her out. I can't do that now :(
Both of my kids had really hard weeks last week. Malea is still having a tough time and I'm really trying to help her out. Every time I think we are making progress - we have a step back. I think my trying to keep busy for myself is really hurting her in the long run :(
So this morning on the way to school - all of a sudden there is a frog on my windshield. I do not like amphibians or reptiles - anything slimy really. I definitely do not like seeing one on my windshield! The kids thought it was hilarious with me freaking out. It climbed up to the top - so I shut the sunroof slider and not sure where it went. How did it get up there - I don't think frogs can climb - can they? Then after I dropped the kids off and started heading to work a moth or something tried attacking me. It was the strangest thing I have ever seen - it was all brown, but the body was very large and almost looked hairy. I was able to get it out the window at least. Hopefully now I'll be pest free!
Mornings are the worst! Dave always got the kids ready for school - and he hated it as well. It is much worse for me since I also have to get ready at the same time. He just took the kids to school with no shower, a hat and warm up pants. He just usually went back to bed when he got back home. Even when I would take them to school - he was usually there to still make the lunches (my most hated task). At least this year Malea is buying lunch every day, so I just have to make Keagan's. Occasionally we will get the snacks around the night before and I'll just make the sandwich or heat up the soup. If we could get this down every night - it would make things easier. Nights are crazy though - this week I've worked late 3 days and we've had activities 2 of those nights. So - we've eaten out all but 1 day this week and that day was just grilled cheese.
I'm just overwhelmed! I really need to quit relaxing on the couch at night - then things would be easier. I'm so tired though and have no motivation! I am leaving early today since Malea has to stay after and nobody will be able to pick Keagan up. At least this will allow me to get a few things done tonight - I have at least put a dent in my cleaning.
Malea is going to an all-nighter tonight. Hoping she has fun - but I'm sure I'm in for quite the attitude when she gets back from lack of sleep. It doesn't help that she's going to be going to my parents to sleep until I get there and then we'll be there for a while working on the counters. She'll probably sleep all Saturday evening and in to Sunday morning. Then we are going to a cider mill on Sunday - looking forward to checking a different one in the area out! They have a corn maze that is supposed to take 1-2 hours! We've never taken that long - so here's to hoping we figure it out and not wander around forever ;)
We finally (hopefully) found a truck for my Dad. Going with my Mom to check it out tonight. We've been looking for a beater truck forever and find quite a few on Craig's List, but nobody ever responds. This one finally did, so hopefully it is worth it and my Dad can have his wood truck!
I wish I could make my posts more exciting - my sister always writes such funny posts, no matter what she's talking about ;) Another friend of mine wrote amazing posts and they were so exciting - you always wonder what happened next.
At least I live up to the Boring title ;)
I can't believe that Brody is gone. We got him when Malea was about 3 I think, so he wasn't a young dog as he was probably 3 when we got him. He was such a good dog though. He had his issues and was banned to the outside for a while when we first got him. As he got older he behaved and didn't go to the bathroom in the house or chew things up. He was a good watchdog and always let us know when someone was here. Dave really loved animals and especially loved dogs. Brody was his pal. I think quite possibly Brody could have died from a broken heart :( I definitely wasn't the most affectionate, but I tried to pay attention to him occasionally:( I loved having a dog around - I just didn't like to touch them much. Brody didn't jump or slobber - so that was a plus in my book. He was a fairly neat eater and was very good with the kids.
This is so hard :( I had to watch our puppy Kiah die almost 2 years ago - and it was so tough Dave couldn't come home when that happened. I had to carry her body outside and then Dave took care of her - since it was winter. He apologized so much that he didn't come home because it was even hard for him. The kids want to bury Brody - he's a big dog and is going to need a really big hole. I agree with them - he needs a proper burial.
One of Dave's friends stopped by a week or so again and said how much he missed Dave. He said he talks to his wife constantly about it. I have a hard time with that - I don't have anyone I can complain to or talk to about anything. I know people miss him - he was a great friend. It isn't getting any easier for me:(
Dave was such a friendly person. He always made friends wherever he went. I used to be so jealous of him in this aspect. I still am - as I feel that is what will keep me alone. He really wasn't the most outgoing person - but for some reason he just lit up a room and people loved to talk to him. He apparently saw something in me - though I'm not sure what that was. I do know one of his requirements in a wife was to be a good cook. I am - so I think that is why he stuck with me....hoping that wasn't the only reason.
Anyway.....despite Dave always making new friends - he held on to his old ones. He had a few friends that he always made time for - Joe, Josh and Jason. Never occurred to me before that they all started with J - weird ;) He also had a few friends that he would run in to and it would be like old times - he just didn't seem them as much as he would like to. One of those friends was Amy. I'll never forget one time when I was at the fair with Dave - I turned around and Dave was hugging some girl. It was Amy. Dave actually didn't hang around too many girls. I know he hated drama - so I'm not sure if that was why. Amy, Jeff and Dave, when together, always talked about their childhood. They would walk home from school together every day starting in Middle School, I think. I only talked with Amy a few times, but she was always smiling and laughing. Last summer Dave and Amy hung out at their 20 year reunion. So sad to think it was the last for both of them. Looking at the dates 1974-2014 for both of them is so heartbreaking.
I'm still crying almost daily. I went for a month or 2 without hardly crying at all. People keep saying (in general) to live how he would want you to. Well - I can say that I know Dave wouldn't be surprised. We once talked about what would happen if one of us died. I always said he'd throw a party if it was me - kind of made him made, but I felt he would be happy no to have the nagging wife any longer. He obviously didn't feel that way - but I thought that it wouldn't take him long to be fine. He just wasn't an emotional person - or at least didn't show it. He had basically 3 dispositions - angry, annoyed, or just fine. There was a big different to me between angry and annoyed - but most people just saw annoyed and just fine. He would never have been a super bubbly person. He smiled a lot - but just didn't show being overly happy. I think he was happy with us - I'll never know. I know in the last year he was very unhappy with his job - so I saw the annoyed side much more than ever. He always told me it wasn't me - he didn't want to burden me with how down his job made him. I appreciate that - he tried really hard not to bring it home. Luckily he was rarely like that with all the years at Target. He was fortunate to have so many people love him and treat him with respect. He had won many people over at American Axle - but some people just weren't ever going to respect anyone - and Dave had a hard time with that. Anyway....when we talked about how I would be if something happened to him - he had told me - I don't want you to cry. I looked at him (with tears already in my eyes just thinking about him not being around) and he changed his mind. He knew that was a completely unreasonable expectation. I know he wouldn't be surprised to see me still sad.
I feel like people think I shouldn't be crying anymore. Well - if someone actually said that to me - I'd probably say something not very nice back. I went through a pretty tough time many years ago that many know about. I did not get over that for a LONG time. I probably cried for a good 2 weeks pretty solid. I never got over it - it still haunts me, and I never cried about it again after I met Dave. Meeting Dave was the best thing that could have ever happen to me - we had a wonderful life. How can anyone get over that - I just don't understand.
Just today - I was reading a book on poverty that we have to read for our work book study. It just kept talking about single parenting and how kids do so much better in a 2 parent household. That did not help. We don't live in poverty - so it is much different for us- but just those words were so tough. My kids were so much better off with 2 parents and now they are just stuck with me.
Keagan's birthday is coming up soon - a little over a month away. I'm so sad to be starting with that - then Malea's bday, Christmas and then my bday :( I kind of want to go somewhere over Christmas and pretend that it isn't happening.
I just can't get in the happy zone that everyone else seems to be in.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)