Since I didn't post the best update yesterday and I've realized that my updates have really been quite sporadic. I don't want to only post negative things.
Keagan is doing very well in 3rd grade. He seems to like his teacher. He is always using these new big words and in the right context. That is one of my most favorite parts about watching your kids grow. He has suckered our exchange students in to being his own personal friends. He always convinces one of them to entertain him every day. They either go on the trampoline with him, ride bikes or this week he was trying to teach Dema to do a cartwheel ;)
Malea is doing well overall. She currently has all A's and this is so great for me and her. She's really focusing on this since she's all about going to a good college. She has her permit and is driving as much as she can. I have turned in to the crazy Mom. Seriously - it is quite stressful driving with a new driver. She really isn't that bad - she just likes to speed and also likes to turn corners really fast!!
I was talking to her the other day about the last 3 years. She's really grown. She actually said that she's glad this happened to her when it did. Not to sound heartless either. She greatly misses her Dad. She isn't happy that she's gone. However she really likes the person she is turning in to. She has more empathy and just is all around a better person due to what she's gone through. This was an awesome discussion to have with her. I have had similar thoughts myself.
Then there is me :) I'm currently doing quite well. I am not doing well with my diet and exercise. Having 4 kids and all that goes on with them is a lot more than I thought it would be. I never have time to get to the gym. I generally only have 1 free evening and that is spent goingto see James. Then there is James. He is seriously the bright spot of every day for me. I wish I could see him every day, but at least I get to talk to him daily. He listens to me and that is what I need. He doesn't have a lot of advice for me for what I've gone through - but he listens. Sometimes that is all I need. He's there to tell me "It will be ok". For some reason - I just need to hear that sometimes. We generally spend 3 days per week together. One evening during the week at his house and then on the weekends he comes to see me usually Friday and Saturday or just Saturday.
James checks off every possible item that I would have ever thought of to put on a list. The only thing that I would change would be for him to live closer. When I need a hug (which is far too often probably) - I wish I could just run over and get one. Two hours round trip is probably a big long for a hug.
I am a different person than I was when I was with Dave. As Malea said about herself that she's appreciative that she went through this. I am as well. I would not wish it on anyone. God knew what he was doing though. We are going to have an amazing life together and for that I am very grateful!!! I just have to be patient in the mean time - which is quite difficult for me to do ;)
Every time I think I move forward and Malea moves forward - something pops up. Grief is a horrible thing, but really that isn't even part of this issue. It just makes us feel things more deeply.
For many years I struggled with the fact that people don't care about me. I have a few people that do - and I have a lot of people that I have wanted to keep in contact with. If I want it - it is all me. If I don't reach out - I don't hear from them. It gets tiring being the only one that reaches out.
Guess what? - I really am over that. I stopped trying about a year ago. I was tired of feeling sad as to why people didn't want anything to do with me. Now it is because I was sad over losing Dave I am sure. However - it was before he died that it was just as bad. I had him though and he was all that mattered. I worried about my kids all the time - because I felt the same way about them. He felt the same way. Dave always said that they had us and that was all that mattered. Having me be the only one now - really does suck.
This was a big discussion with Malea last night. She is now realizing this. She thinks if she were to die - absolutely nobody would care (except me). Do you know how that made me feel? It really sucks. You know what sucks even more - I can't tell her any different. It is sad that in some ways she really has pushed people away. She's made it kind of difficult to get to know her. She's actually doing really well now. She has some really good friends. She's so scared that I'm the only one that cares though. I know James would be there for her and I told her that. She is scared to let anyone in - because nobody stays :(
I have lots of family - they love us and I know they care. People are just busy with their own lives. I finally realize this and really try to be aware of it. The truth is - if you really want to be in someone's life - you will make time. I know that is true and I really suck lately especially with trying to make time for some people. I get people being busy - I'm one of the busiest people I know. If I am invited to something - I try to make it work.
I don't want anyone saying that they care - I know people will say that. I just want people to think about it. We really are doing very well. As a family we are doing awesome. Things are going well and we have lots of really happy days. Some days we just get beat down and well we'll get back up. I just wish this wasn't reality. I'd love to hear from anyone else in the same boat and how you work it out.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)