I've been very blah lately. I've been thinking lately about how mad I am. I don't know who I'm mad it - God mostly I'm thinking. I know that many think it is bad to be mad at him. I've been trying to be positive - trying to ask him to give me the strength to get through this. I was hoping I'd be better - but I think that since Malea is doing better - it is allowing me to think more about myself. I'm not stressing as much about her and how she is going to be - I just have me to focus on :(
Malea has been more active and sociable lately. She still struggles with groups - especially if they are loud. She did really well at the fair though - even though she felt really bad with her cold. She's doing much better in school. She hardly is in her room much anymore - though she makes quite a mess in there still! She still has trouble with Keagan and I struggle with how to get her to love him and be nice to him. I just can't put myself in her shoes and not wanting to hang out with the cool dude sometimes.
Keagan is still ok - he is doing really well in school. He still doesn't want to read a whole book by himself. My problem with him is that he doesn't want to leave me. He wants to go with me everywhere and doesn't want me to leave him anywhere. He is luckily fine for school - it is just everywhere else that is the problem.
I've been very disappointed with my drywall work - so I haven't been doing well at the house. I don't have much time this week to work on it - but hopefully I can get it closer. Next week I have a few more days available to work on it. Hopefully my next house I can focus more and not be so scattered.
I supposed God could be punishing me for all that I've done in my life. Nobody is perfect and I certainly am not close. He's probably punishing me for not attending church as much as I once did. I feel like a horrible mother since I'm not getting my kids as involved as I once was. It is very difficult for me to go - I know how judgmental people are - and for a long time - when Dave was working weekends I thought people would think I was a single Mom, so I didn't go that much. I went at least every other week before Keagan was born. Then - things got crazy after Keagan was born - and we attended a lot less. We also left the church we were attending and that led to being churchless for quite a while. I know that isn't a good excuse - but now it is even harder. I see all these families and it is just so difficult for me. Everyone is just so happy - and I'm so not. The messages generally make me feel sad as well. Many of the messages are there to give hope - but I just don't get that :(
There are so many people that are much worse off than me. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I've always been fairly happy with what I have - I knew that I was blessed. I still am blessed to have my kids - but overall I just don't feel blessed any longer. I read an article today that says a strong sense of smell could show signs that you'll live longer. It really depressed me actually. I don't want to live longer - I'd like to live to see my kids grow up and be settled in to their jobs - and maybe get married. I'd at least feel like I accomplished something in my life that was worthwhile.
The next few weekends I have stuff going on - so I'm looking forward to the next month or so. I'm not looking forward to cold weather - but love the changes in the trees and I love not having to mow the lawn as much:) I need to get 2 heavy things moved from my garage in to the house so that I can park in there. I moved a bunch of stuff around and organized a few things in there - I just am not sure how I'm going to get one thing in the house and up the stairs. Hopefully I'll build up some muscles in the next week or so ;)
Today marks the remembrance of a tragic day in history. It is certainly one of the few major events that I remember in my lifetime. The only other major event I remember other than 9/11 is when the space shuttle blew up when we were watching it in school. Malea said that they talked about it in school - which I love since she wasn't born yet - but it is definitely something that needs to be talked about. Keagan didn't know anything about today. I'm sure for his age - some parents may not want to discuss it still. I talked to him about it and showed him so pictures. He's so compassionate that he was really interested. I wouldn't be surprised if he becomes interested in history, like his Dad.
As I thought of today - I was thinking about my own life. I've been in a pretty down mood most of the day. I started thinking about my life and how it feels in some ways history is repeating itself - at least in some aspects.
It started in 1998 - horrible year for me. I moved to Sturgis and was friendless, jobless and completely dependent on my parents. I was supposed to be completely independent at that point but instead I was in a really dark place. I had pretty much given up on life at that point. I didn't think I would amount to anything. I had absolutely no goals and just couldn't think of what I wanted to do with my life. Of course - that was the year I met Dave. It all went up from there. He was exactly what I needed. He gave me purpose - he pushed me and gave me everything that I have now.
Here I am 17 years later in pretty much the same place. At least I have a job - but I still feel like I'm completely dependent on my parents. Only now I have two little people completely dependent on me. They give my life purpose and they make me want to try to reach for the stars so that they can be their best. I still feel pretty worthless - you would have thought I would have figured things out 17 years ago. I guess I probably was supposed to learn something....but I missed that.
I really hope that if I do come out of this in a positive direction that history does not repeat itself again.
I was talking with someone yesterday and have come to realization a while ago. It is amazing to me how there are so many different types of single parents. There are those that are divorced, those that have just always been single parents and those, like me, that have lost the love of their life and father of their child.
I feel that those that are single parents from day 1 have either pity or tons of help. It likely depends on the decisions they have made up to the point of the birth of the child. Sometimes the birth of the child leads to a much better life than they path they were going down when they got pregnant. Sometimes the birth of the child brings about a lot of support and improves the life of the parent. Other times - that poor child is always treated as a burden :( I see all kinds of parents and many kids suffer and they couldn't help what they were born in to :(
Divorced parents generally have the most support from what I've seen. Sometimes there is so much fighting before the divorce that the life of the children is so much better living at the two different houses. Unfortunately sometimes one of these parents just disappears and doesn't bother to see the children :( This pains me - I don't understand how you can be part of a child's life and just go away and never come back. I understand that sometimes the other parent can be a problem - but fight for your kids! They are worth it! I do feel that divorced parents have lots of support and resources available to them. It is so common and while that is sad - everyone knows someone that is divorced. It is always hard for the children. They have to go through change and they have to learn to how to side with the parent they are with. Sometimes they have to learn to pretend the other parent doesn't exist - sad - but it does happen when they are with the other parent. My biggest wish for divorced parents - or really any parent - is to not bash the other parent. At one time you liked the person - or you wouldn't have made a child. Please don't use the child as a pawn - encourage them to be the best they can be. Spend time with them - take them to the park, have a picnic, camp out in the living room. Show them that you are there for them despite the other problems and pain in your life.
Then there are those like me. We have such a struggle. We are going through so much pain and so are our children. There are some that just can't function and they have to rely on others to pick up the slack. I was not ok with being that person and I've done everything I can to make sure my kids know that I'm there for them. I try to push them to be the best they can be. It is very difficult to preach this when I don't believe it about myself - but I still try to put my all in to everything that I do. There isn't a lot of support available - even though it happens much more than I was ever aware of. There aren't a lot of people that understand our situation. They don't know what to say to you. With a divorce or even the single parent - there is plenty of bashing of the parent that isn't present. I would punch someone in the nose if they ever bashed Dave. I don't understand why it is so hard to talk to widows. You may not understand or be able to relate - but we are still people. We are still a parent and most of us still work. Many parts of my life are still the same.
I have not mentioned the financial aspect in any of the situations above. Finances definitely play a factor in everything. It doesn't matter your situation - financial problems will always cause extra stress. My point in this wasn't regarding finances. Most of what I mentioned doesn't require money. You can have a relationship with your child without money. Some of it is all about attitude. I know my attitude still sucks about many things - but in some other instances I have just chosen to push on and do everything I possibly could. I read and research so much to look at other options and see what works and doesn't for other people...and then I try to see if it will work for me.
People are much more likely to date a divorced person over a widow. From what I have heard - it is pretty much impossible to date as a widow. I certainly don't want to be alone forever - but I'm thinking I probably will be. Maybe it is because we have our kids all the time and we'll always love the person we were with. It seems that those I've seen that have found love are really pretty - and we know I don't have that going for me. I can cook and go above and beyond to make sure everyone is taken care of - but that is not really something you can advertise just by walking around;) I hope my kids get married and have kids so that once I have no kids at home - I'll still be able to contribute something to the world.
This was a busy weekend. I had planned to get so much done at the house - but it didn't go as planned. Malea was able to get a motorcycle ride from a friend of Dave's on Sunday. He had found out that she loved motorcycles and had offered to take her 2 other times that didn't work out. Sunday evening worked and she was able to wear her new leather jacket on the ride ;) I was secretly hoping she would hate it - but I guess she liked it.
Monday was a fun day with the family. Selena was in town - so we got to see her little family. Nolan is always the light of the party :) My grandpa and Aunt Rebecca also were in town, so they came over to my parents as well. Always too much good food and overindulgence....
I so didn't feel prepared for the kids going back to school. I was getting everything together last night and I think I bought most of what is needed. I still need to get some wipes and kleenex for the clasrroom, but I like to send it in later anyway. I know they all get a lot at the beginning - so I send them in sporadically and then they have to store less ;) Might not be desirable - but works better in my head ;)
Keagan was so excited - he couldn't go to sleep. He went to bed at 9, but was still awake at 10:30. He woke up without any issues though.
I couldn't go to sleep either. I smelled something hot and got up to search for it, but couldn't find anything. It could have been Keagan's light - it tends to smell hot if it is on for a while. I really need to do something about that. I couldn't find the right halogen bulb for what came with it - so I think I just bought too many watts or something. I hit my head on my nightstand making sure it wasn't one of my plugs - it is a tad sore today. I also swallowed a pill wrong and felt like I had heartburn - it is better today - but still strange.
Malea actually got up by herself today. We were all ready by 7:30 and actually had to sit around waiting until it was time to go. It was nice to be in that situation. It is a goal of mine this year - to be much earlier. I really hope Malea has a good year. She's really doing so much better - but still struggling with a few things. I really think that she's developed some social anxiety. She has such a hard time with more than like 3 people. She can't take all the noise. I know some probably think I'm really still letting her do whatever she wants - but I have to take it one step at a time. I see huge improvements - and if nobody else does - I'll just have to live with the judgement.
I really hope being back at school helps Keagan be a little less clingy. He really doesn't want me to go anywhere without him. Sometimes I actually want to - but let him go anyway - and many times after I tell him I'm not taking him again. He can just be so energetic...and curious about everything! He sure has some stubbornness in him too....man I know Dave probably laughs anytime I get that from him - or really both of our kids. Sometimes it makes me want to laugh and cry - because it is all Dave.
Today was hard dropping off the kids alone again. Today was always such a big deal for us. I'd take the day off and we'd both drop them off and pick them up. I'd get some stuff done around the house while Dave usually went to sleep - since he worked the night before. This is first time I won't be there when they get home from school on the first day.
Hoping everyone else has a good first day back! I love seeing all the back to school pics today!
I've been watching the show Chasing Life for a while - I think this is the 3rd season. It was really sad at first since it is about girl that has cancer. I related to some of what she was going through as she was grieving for the life she didn't think she would have. She decided to try living in the moment - which I didn't understand - because I haven't felt that life is worth living for the most part.
Now....she got married this season to a fellow cancer patient. He was better while she was still sick and looking for a new trial to get in. Well - he just died - out of the blue - in his sleep. She's going through all of these emotions. It is really interesting to watch. I'm sure people are watching it thinking she's crazy - I can't believe she's acting like that. I'm sure people have said that about me.
She thought she was going to be the one to die - and then he dies. I never really thought Dave would outlive me - he was older than me - and with his family tending to not live super long - I just thought I'd outlive him. I didn't want to - but thought I would. I never thought he would die at 39. I never thought I'd have to raise this kids all by myself and figure all of this stuff out that I have no clue about.
She said - I don't have a future without him. I've said that so many times. Then she said - I don't want a future without him. That is definitely me. No matter how much fun I have - or how I try to improve my life - I'm still nothing without him - I have no future for myself. Nobody there to hug me and tell me how proud they are of me.
At the funeral - she kept having people come to her and say what a good guy he was. I had so much of that - and it made me angry as well. Many people came and didn't even say anything to me - or they asked how they could help and then never followed up. They don't address that in the show - she had lots of people that were there for her - and she didn't have a job or people depending on her.
I don't want to discredit the people that have been there for me. My family has been very supportive and I know they don't know how to react to me. There are some people that think I should be totally normal. Some work people think that not only should I be fine - my kids should be totally fine and they are shocked when they are sick. It is just frustrating.
Malea is doing a lot better and is very excited to take French this year. She's not really looking forward to anything else about school - but we met the teachers last night and they all seem pretty cool.
Keagan has decided that he's very shy lately. It is kind of annoying since he isn't shy. Maybe going back to school will help that?
So not looking forward to mornings before school - but I'm trying to be optimistic that we can come up with a plan!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)