I feel like I'm as much of a mess as I was the first week he died. I don't know if it is because things are harder and less people are around or what. I definitely think that is part of it - my Mom is probably sick of me since she sees me more than ever now.
Malea is having such a hard time. She didn't want me to inform her teachers of our situation. I finally sent an email to her guidance counselor so that she could let me know her thoughts. I told Malea that I did this and I think she is good with it. She said she wasn't mad. I just want her to have somewhere to go - other than the bathroom. She has a few friends, male friends, that are very protective of her. She says they are like brothers - so I really hope it stays that way. She still has girl friends - so she still has a mix of friends and I don't think I have to worry. She still seems to get along with everyone....she's just having a hard time remembering things - like when assignments are due. Her school no longer pushes assignment books, but I really think that helped. Maybe I'll try to get her to at least put them in her tablet or something - good compromise maybe? Our SIS in my district allows parents to see future assignments, but Power School either doesn't allow that - or the teachers aren't putting them in ahead of time. It has been a while since I supported that program, so I don't remember. Overall she is still doing well, but she gets agitated much easier than every before. I still think some of this is just her age - but there is a very fine line there I think.
Keagan is doing so good in school. We were reading last night and he just read a few words. Tomorrow I will work on flash cards for him - since he has 40 words to memorize. He has colors in his classroom for behavior and he's only had one yellow (step down from the normal green). Green is what they get for an average day with no issues. They had this last year, but this year they now can get better than green - they can get sparkle and sparkle plus. He was on Sparkle on Friday and Sparkle Plus today! He was so excited - they get their names over the PA the following morning for this. His teacher said she adores him - I'm so glad!
I'm so glad I have these 2 amazing kids....just hoping I can keep it that way. It is very difficult pretending to be happy all the time. It is amazing how much having someone to hear your issues means to a person. When you lose that person - life is so much more difficult.
They say that grief can come in bursts and I had not experienced that until recently. Not that this whole thing hasn't all been recent - but I had been managing. I have no idea why the last 2 weeks have been so tough.
Last week was tough for me, but this week has been tough for Malea, which has made it another tough week for me. Up until now she has just put on a brave face - I was really worried that she was in denial. I did notice she wouldn't look at pictures or anything really that was his. I started letting Keagan wear some of Dave's shirts to bed. They were his older shirts that I won't wear and wouldn't be donated if I ever chose to get rid of anything of his. Malea was kind of irritated by that - she never really told me why though. He really liked wearing them and I didn't see any harm in that.
This week she said that something was brought up in 2 classes that made her cry. She was able to get out of one and go to the bathroom. I was honestly glad to see her cry. She's always been fairly emotional (can't imagine where she gets that from) so not crying has really concerned me.
I finally was able to get her to talk about it. She said she has a few new friends and she doesn't want them to know. I have never said anything to her teachers either, and do not plan to unless it is necessary at this point - or maybe conferences if needed. She said she doesn't like pity and she doesn't want people to pity her. I told her that I understood that. I either get pity or avoidance - so totally makes sense.
I have no idea what it is like to lose a Dad and never really had anyone close to me lose a parent growing up. I hardly even had any friends that had divorced parents. Most of the people I knew that passed away were either old or already sick - and I'd only known them that way. There are many times that it will totally suck for her - and I feel like I can't help - they will be hard for me as well. Every time I think about that it overwhelms me. They were so lucky to have the most amazing Dad. He was even teased about how much time he spent with his kids. He loved that - he loved always being there for them and going to all of their events. Even with his stupid work and their demanding hours - he went to as much as he could. He'd even make it to the parent teacher conferences. He was just invested. I just hope they can always remember that.
I'm attending a wedding reception this weekend. I'm so happy for my cousin - she found a pretty great guy. I'm a little nervous at how difficult it may be - it has been over 15 years since I have attended a wedding alone.
I never would have thought that at 36 I would still be thinking about this.
I never quite fit in as a kid anywhere. In elementary school I was a bookworm, an introvert and loved school. This didn't gain me many friends as they just thought I was odd. I didn't seem to care much then though. I guess I dressed kind of strange as well - but I didn't have any enemies that I was aware of - so I guess that was a plus.
Middle School was tough - as it is for pretty much everyone. 6th grade was probably the most lonely year for me. I actually got made fun of a lot this year. I was in band though - which is what brought me some really good friends in 7th grade that lasted through high school.
High School wasn't too bad - there were some tough months - but overall I really loved high school and the friends I had while there.
Looking back I think some of my not fitting in fell in line with things I had no control over. I was the oldest child - there were very few people I hung around that were the oldest. Some people argue that this has no merit - but I firmly believe in the birth order issues. Some first born children are the screw ups while others are the mature, responsible ones. I definitely am the latter of the 2. I just have always had a more mature outlook on life and was ridiculously responsible from a very young age (probably annoyingly so).
I was never in to fashion - I just am a plain Jane person I guess. I like clothes to last and not be in for just one season. I buy good clothes that just never seem to go out of style - at least for dress clothes anyway. This I can control - but I just like the way I am and like that I can wear certain pieces for many years - until they wear out. Plus - I just really can't pull off many things - so I just try to go unnoticed.
I didn't go away to college - just wasn't in the cards for me - and probably what sets me apart from most people. I got my degrees just a few years ago compared to many that have had degrees since their early 20's.
I had kids way before most of the people I knew my age. This just puts everyone in a different place in life when you have kids at different times.
We only really had one couple that we did things with. They live far away and we didn't see them often - but always tried to get together once per year. I'm sad that I probably won't see them again :(
I always work too far away from my house to really be friends with people I work with. All the people that are good friends at my current job live close and just have hung out for years. They all love me at least - just not in the hang out type of way.
I've always been pretty weird I guess. I've met much weirder people though. I think I'm in world all my own....I just need to be ok with that.
Maybe the problem is the need to feel like you have to fit in. Why do I feel that way? Shouldn't I just be able to be who I am and just know that is enough? I wish I knew why so I wouldn't have to make my kids feel like they need to fit in.
I actually don't think Malea feels like she has to at this point. She's also a bookworm and doesn't seem to care. She actually loves that people think it is weird that she reads so much. Sometimes I have to bring her down to reality and tell her she needs to watch it. She sounds a little conceited sometimes.
It is too early to tell with Keagan. So far - he just knows it isn't good to be hanging out with the bad kids. I'm good with that for now ;)
Being happy with who you are is such a tough thing.....
I keep trying to get in to the groove of working out again and it just never happens :( Last night I planned on it, but the kids didn't peel the potatoes until I got home - so dinner wasn't until after 7. I can't work out right after I eat either. I'm just so tired in the evenings. Since I can't get to work until 8:30 now with taking the kids to school - I shouldn't leave work until 4:30 at the earliest. Generally I leave at 4 and just do some work from home. It is very rare that I don't check email and reply to a few messages for work in the evenings. I've been so swamped at work though - and people just constantly asking if I've done this or that. I'm only one person...!!
I had good results from Body by Beast, but it is really hard to do that workout without Dave. We were doing it together. He even bought me a weight bar for Mother's Day...I have yet to use it...it makes me sad. I've been following Chalene Johnson (TurboFire, TurboJam, Chalene Extreme) and she has a new workout called PiYo. It looks like something I'd like. Chalene is a little more perky than I usually like, but I do like her videos. I loved TurboFire - only program I've ever completely finished as advertised. It was too much cardio though and I didn't see the results I like from weights added in. PiYo has some yoga and pilates along with Cardio. So - I ordered it. I also signed up to be a Beachbody Coach. I love Beachbody products so I figured why not. I'd doubt anyone will ever purchase anything through me - but for now I just signed up.
I'm just having a hard time with the eating right and working out. I could so give up pop right now - it is messing with my IBS and doesn't taste as good as it used to. I can always give it up (usually temporarily - but for at least a few months always) when I'm at this point. Sad thing is - I think I'm stopping myself. Dave was always cheering me on and always noticed when I did things like that. He knew how hard it was for me to lose weight, but would always see how much stamina I had in my workouts and how hard I truly was working. Nobody else has ever noticed though :( Why bother to improve if nobody notices? Sucks not having anyone that can be proud of you :( I'm going to still try....this is what always gets in the way though. I just need to think about vacations - I don't want to always be ashamed to go in the pool on vacations. I also still really want to do a mini triathlon one of these days.....I hoping to start training in the Spring.
I'm not sure when I'll bet getting my PiYo - I still have my Brazil Butt Lift to get through. I'm just not jazzed about always doing it in Spanish. I haven't tried my laptop though - maybe English will work on there. The kids have AWANA tonight and I used to work out while they were gone before. I just really need to clean though....I spend so much time cleaning - I certainly wish it would look that way!
This week is our annual St. Joseph County Fair. We've always gone to the fair since we moved out here. It was funny the first 3 years (remember I was 18 when I moved here) that I got in free to the fair as it was free to those 14 and under. I had to pay for the first time when I was pregnant with Malea. I took today off to go to the fair for Kid's Day. Tradition usually was that my Mom took the kids on Monday and I would meet her there to pick up the kids in the evenings. Our family would then go back on Wed or Thurs and do a couple rides and walk through the barns.
Today it was hard seeing all the Dads at the fair with their kids. Dave was always riding everything with his kids and Keagan is right at the height where he needs a parent to ride things with in order to go on them. Sometimes Malea was fine to take him , but others not :( My sister's boyfriend did get a wristband and did go on 2 of the with him - so that was great.
I make it through most days - weeks really - without crying. On the way home from the store I heard Bless the Broken Road and that song always reminded me of my relationship with Dave. I always thought my broken road led me to Dave and knew that everything I went through in life set me up for him. I didn't exactly have a troubled life, but I had some trials that were certainly difficult for me to go through. Sometimes it is really hard trusting that everything will be ok. I hope that any married person that reads this hugs their husband or wife and does not take any moment for granted. It could certainly be gone at any moment - without notice!
I'm so at a loss as to how to get through to Malea. I try to tell myself that other parents have it so much worse, but it isn't really helping. She's an amazing student and all her teachers think she's just the perfect kid. She's driving me insane!
Today was the first time since school started that I didn't have to yell at her to get up (she kept refusing to use her actual alarm clock). She was up before me, but then just sat in the living room for a while and finally went up to her room. I went in there and she was just laying in there.
She refuses to help out with anything. Yesterday I finally got her to roll the garbage cart to the back. I take the trash out there - how hard is it to bring it back when she walks home daily and has to walk right by it!??? Apparently - that is quite the concept. Her room is ridiculous.....she'll spend an hour up there and I think it gets more messy.
Malea is so much like me in many ways. Dave used to get mad at how frustrated I would get with her. So much of my frustration is that while she is like me academically and even part of her attitude - I was never like that. I always did my chores. My room was always really clean. I would have done pretty much anything my Mom asked me - and not after she had to ask me 20 times getting angrier each time. I loved watching my sister - I did pretty much anything she asked me to do.
Malea, however, refuses to do anything I ask the first time. She never wants to do anything with her brother at all. Most of the time it is because she wants to read....I get that. Some probably attribute this to her Dad....but all of this was like that before - it has escalated though. He could get her to do some things - but it never stayed that way.
I'm just so angry that I just don't want to do anything for her anymore. I want to just do what is required (take her to school, etc) and just never ask her for anything. She has no problem doing things for others - she helps out her past teachers all the time.
I just wonder why she hates me so much:( I keep debating on counseling for her. It didn't work for me, but maybe it could hel
I can get Keagan to do pretty much anything for me. I don't want him to get the same attitude though.
These days it is so hard not to feel like a failure. I know guilt is one of the grief stages and I guess I'm there.
I feel like I failed as a wife. Dave really hated his job. I just kept saying one more year - so he could finish his degree. He loved Target. I didn't push him to leave there though - I left it up to him. He just really wanted in management and wanted to do something no so hard on his body. He was a great manager - he just didn't work for the best company. I feel like I wasn't very supportive. The shift he was on was so hard for us. I just don't think he knew how much I was behind him and much I knew he was capable of. He was helping with the morale at his company, but it was bringing him down. It was really wearing on him :(
I feel like a failure with the kids. Malea is now responsible for getting Keagan every day from school until I get home. If she wants to join anything it will be pretty much impossible. She wants to do volleyball next year and I'm just not sure how it will work. I feel like I'm making her sacrifice :( Keagan misses male attention desperately and it doesn't help that his bike has been broke for over a week and I haven't been able to fix it properly. He is much less angry since school started - structure I think has really helped.
I've been failing for a while with my weight. I finally found the reason last summer, but haven't been able to make the extra effort to get the weight off. I kind of feel like what is the point anyway....it isn't like it will make any difference. I need to be stronger though - I have to be able to do more and I don't have anyone to do the heavy lifting.
I've been behind on a few things at work - but that isn't really my fault - other than me helping everyone out. I just have a lot going on and can't focus on one thing for long before I have a million people asking me for something else. At least I hear that I'm awesome on a fairly regular basis.
I'm not depressed...I tried therapy - it isn't really for me. I'm still here and I get up every day and get along with my day. I no longer cry every day.
I do no longer feel like I'm a part of anything. I feel like my kids and I are in our own little bubble. I guess I'm ok with that...things will speed up with AWANA starting next week and then Malea getting back to gymnastics. Keagan wants to do hip hop or something - so I'm going to try to find something that will work.
I'm sure every parent feels similar with their kids - you always feel like you are never doing enough. I would not be ok without them and their hugs and "I love you Mom - you're the best".
Might as well end with some positives....
Malea is loving school (even though she didn't want to go back)- she's in band and choir and all honors classes other than social studies. She says she doesn't like to sing, but isn't bad IMO. She does love the teacher in that class. She's beyond excited that her English teacher has her own library and she had some input on what books to add (the teacher asked for suggestions). She is actually buying lunch - and likes it (she bought lunch like 10 times total in all 6 years of elementary school). It helps out the mornings not having to get that around for her. She's still one of the tallest kids in school - I thought maybe that would even out over the summer. She still has dreams of going to Stanford - even more so after our visit to California. I guess we should plan a trip to Northern Cali at some point to see that area as well.
Keagan is still loving school. His teacher is really nice and he has made lots of friends. He was supposed to have 2 friends from last year in his class, but they weren't there, so not sure what happened. He has one bad boy and one kind of bad girl - so he stays away from them ;) He was so excited that the gym teacher used him as an example in class as to what to do if you were naughty. I teased him -but he said he was just showing kids how you have to be if you ended up with a naughty color for the day. He has to approve of his clothes every day and has to do his hair every day as well. I don't think Dave was like this at his age, but Keagan definitely takes after him. Malea threw his socks at him today and he was so worried that she messed up his hair. We were talking the other day about college - and he told me that while Malea plans on going far away - he wasn't going to leave Michigan ;) I'm sure he'll want to get far away from me at some point - but it is nice that he feels that way now!
I am about 85% done with my room. Just have to finish up the closet floor, paint the trim and get curtains. I bought some curtains yesterday, but they were too long - so I have to do some more looking.
Thanks for reading! I'm sure I've lost some friends, but oh well - I'm doing the best I can for now - and I really think I've been doing pretty well.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)