Over the last year and a half I have had many bad days. Fortunately - the number of days between bad days is increasing. I don't have as many bad weeks (though July was much tougher as a whole) and may not even have a bad day every week. I have bad moments often - but they don't always consume the whole day.
Today is a bad day though. It has been a rough week coming back to work - being overly stressed with how much I have to do and then working on my flip house every night as well. About 2 more weeks of that and I'll be good. Then I'll have a little break - unless I decide to put an offer on this other house I've been eyeing.
The thing about bad days is though.....From March 1999- May 2014 - I had someone I could call. I had someone that would pull me back to Earth and tell me everything was going to be ok. I probably didn't bother him with my bad days until easily June of 99 (if then...I don't remember) - I was blissfully happy with him and didn't have many bad days anyway. He was very rarely the cause of them. If he was - it never lasted long. I couldn't stay mad it him - he was just too cute ;)
It is so hard having him be the cause of all my bad days. I just miss him so much. I wish I could be more than I am...positive or hopeful.
At least tonight we are taking a trip to the beach. We are going to dinner and then watching the sunset. No working on the house tonight...just the kids and I on an adventure to the Dunes. Hopefully the weather is fine....they would be fine just to play in the sand. Keagan wants to go down the water slide - so hopefully it is there still.
I really hope we can fit a weekend getaway to Michigan's Adventure before school starts back up. I also promised Keagan that we'd go see my sister. August is already here tomorrow - so only 4 weekends to choose from! So much to do - so little time!
July is just all around a sucky month and this last week has just piled things on. Nothing big....but the little things add up.
- I managed to get a bunch of water all over my new floor. I should have been more careful, but I forgot I had hooked up a water line and didn't put a shut off valve on it. Damage was minimal, but I still know it happened.
- My favorite drill has a bit stuck in it and I can't get it out. I have to use my other drill now and I just don't like it.
-This is my last week off and I don't feel like I'm any farther ahead...I actually am further behind.
-Malea isn't in a good place.
-Keagan has been really crabby and mean to everyone (except me).
I was out mowing the lawn - which give me lots of time to think. I was just thinking how I should have said thank you every time he mowed the lawn. I waited too long to mow it and the mower kept dying. It looks better at least.
I had a phone interview for a job and I don't think it went well. I'm not sure if I want to move where the job is - but I kind of want to. I just don't know if I can handle a new job - I'm not the most friendly person and moving to a new job I don't know if it would help. The therapist thinks it would be really good for Malea to get a fresh start - maybe help her move forward.
I just feel like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. I don't want to figure all of these things out. I'm exhausted and tired of trying to please everyone. I feel like I'm screwing everything up. I feel like just saying - I'm staying where I am - but that isn't working out well. I guess I can just suck it up and deal with staying stuck. I just don't know.....sometimes I just want to give up.....guess it is good little people are counting on me....and being a people pleaser - I'm always going to try not to let them down.
Keagan never fails to make me laugh. Here are some of the things he's said lately:
Last week we were in Sturgis and they have decorated bikes all over the downtown area. We were getting pizza and were parked next to a tandem bike. Keagan was talking to my nephews and said "Hey - look - that bike is for 2 people. I haven't seen one of those since the 1890's!" Really, Keagan? I just left it alone - but it was so funny.
We drive by this bar 'Sam's' all the time and for some reason Keagan always talks about the place. It turns out he was really talking about Maria's and I pointed out what Sam's really was. Today we drove by and this was our conversation:
K: Mom - that is the place I really want to go - Sam's
Me: Keagan, that is a bar
K: Oh - so only big people can go there?
K: Oh so just men that drink beer
Me: Women can go there as well
K: Oh - so people with tattoos and that are sexy?
I just laughed. He has no clue about the sexy thing - but he's heard some people say this recently. Apparently sexy tattoo'd people that drink beer hang out at Sam's ;) Dave and I talked about this place a lot. Of all the people he knew - he never could find anyone that had been to that bar. It was a phantom place....but people obviously go there.
Tonight, while we were shopping - I got the dreaded question from Keagan.....Mom, when are you going to get a new husband. I have heard of this happening to other people - but I never got it from him. I know Malea will never ask me this - she never want to have a step-Dad or anything. I just said - do you ever see people talking to me?
Hoping no more conversations like that come up. I like the funny man better.
I've read a lot about grief and many things have said that the second year is harder. It freaked me out since the first year completely sucked. They said that the fog goes away and everything is clearer and hits you harder the second year. I wouldn't say I was in a fog the first year. I try to make sure I think clearly and weigh my options - even in the first year. I also put off some things until after the first year was over - just in case.
I definitely think the second year is harder - but I think it will continue to be this hard every year from now on. The part that I'm struggling with the most is that I'm the only one that seems to want to remember him :( It is so hard to celebrate someone for so many years and then poof - he's gone - so nobody cares anymore. This may not be the case - but it definitely feels like that to me. It scares me....makes me realize that no matter how hard we work or try to make our mark - it doesn't really matter. Nobody remembers you anyway.
Until Dave - my closest death was pretty major and unexpected. My uncle, aunt and cousin died in a fire. It was devastating - and while I didn't see them more than a couple of times per year - they were very much a part of all of our family functions. Things certainly haven't been the same. Things are certainly different without them around. We missed our first Christmas this past year - wasn't even planned. With them - I'm confident we'd still get together frequently - way more than we have the last few years. I think they would all be sad how far apart everyone has become.
Without Dave around - there is so much less light and laughter. If Keagan weren't around - I think there would be no light or laughter. Malea continues to be in a dark place and Keagan doesn't help bring her out. She does manage to be in the same room as us more often - but she has headphones in 99% of the time so she isn't aware of anything going on.
I knew July would be hard and it certainly has been. I'm hoping at least at the end of the month I'll be very close to listing my flip house. If I could just get my carpet and counters scheduled - that would help me finish up the kitchen and bedrooms.
I used the long weekend to get so much done in my flip house. Unfortunately I think that is also why I'm in so much pain. I'm trying to get things done - but doing floors isn't the greatest thing on your body. I was almost done with the floor today and noticed a chip in one of the boards about 4 rows back. I gave up and will finish it up on Thursday. I got the kitchen put together and it is all ready for appliances and countertops ;)
This used to be the best week of my life. Now it is so hard. Tomorrow would have been my 15th anniversary. I've been thinking of getting dressed up and taking myself out to dinner. I know I won't do that though....I really miss the few dinners we would take per year. We used to go out yearly with my parents since our anniversaries were close together.
Dave's birthday is on Saturday. He would have been 41 :( So many people make it to this age...so sad that he didn't.
Keagan has been asking a lot of questions about his Dad and he's very attached to me. He rarely goes a half hour without giving me a hug. Some days I have to talk him in to going somewhere without me - he'd rather stay with me. I love that he loves me so much....I'll be so sad when the day comes that it stops :(
Malea has improved a little. She has the lovely teenage attitude that makes me want to smack her some days. She still reads on her phone whenever she can. She isn't constantly in her room right now - so hopefully things are looking up.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)