I had a great weekend visit back to my hometown this weekend. I needed a little getaway after my bad news on Friday - so it was a perfect getaway. I was taking Malea, my sister, my niece and a friend of Malea's to a concert. Keagan and I met up with one of my oldest friends, her husband and their 3 kids to have them all swim at our hotel. It was a nice visit.
I went to church this morning at Heritage and I generally love going there. I talked to 2 ladies that have lost their husbands and they both said I was inspirational with all of the work I've been doing. It was nice to hear that since I was feeling pretty defeated. I have a new plan and hope that it will benefit me with the selling of my house. I was really depressed about it this weekend, so I didn't do as much as I planned. I've been working so hard that I think I just needed a recharge.
Today I ate normal food again. I probably went a little overboard and I'm sitting here feeling like crap. I wanted to have one day and I'm going to continue to do Paleo - for at least the most part. I had only one gall bladder issue during that whole challenge and it was with a banana of all things. Now - I'm in a bit of pain. I also feel a little jittery. I just know that the Paleo way makes me feel so much better. I also lost weight - and would like to keep going a little stricter until I get closer to my goal. I haven't had bread or pasta - so I think I'll keep those out of the mix for now. I really liked the no sugar as well - so I think I'll continue on that path.
I feel bad, but I basically ignored that it was Father's Day this year. I had purchased a card for my Dad, but never saw him - so I'll give it to him next weekend. I had told Malea Friday that she should put Dave's picture as her profile pic for Father's Day, but she didn't entertain that idea for long. I think about him every day. Father's Day isn't a special day that I need to take more time and think about him more than I do. It just brings up these memories of how sad it is that my kids don't have him around to honor him on Father's Day.
I feel guilty that I didn't make it special for my Dad. I feel guilty that I didn't take time out and make it a special day for the kids. I just didn't want to do that right now with how delicate things have been.
I will always remind them of what a great father they had. I think Malea will always remember and will always be sad. Keagan will not always remember and will need the reminders. He still remembers getting in trouble by him and I wish I could change those memories.
The other thing I realized is how I'm not very sympathetic anymore. When 9/11 happened - I cried so much during that time. I didn't have kids yet and just remember Dave thinking it was so strange that I was crying over all this. He hated that it happened, but just was never very emotional. Fast forward to these last few tragedies. I am just numb....I no longer shed tears over these things. Unfortunately they seem to be happening way too much and that can de-sensitize people - but they are still all so tragic. Does that make me heartless? My life has been ripped apart and I just can't feel anything for anyone anymore - especially people I don't know. It makes me feel guilty. I used to be so emotional over movies and such - they no longer make me cry. Maybe it is just my depression meds....but I hope nobody thinks I'm a cold-hearted person because of this.
I've been thinking about Dave a lot lately. I always think of him, but he's really been on my mind the last few days even more.
I have people tell me all the time that I am doing stuff that amazes them. I'm just trying to make our life the best it can be. I certainly don't think I'm amazing. I just read directions and try something until I figure it out. That isn't really amazing. Dave generally always corrected what I did. He didn't try to put me down - he was just always trying to show me a better way or see something that I couldn't. One night when I was tiling the floor and he came home and started taking over. I thought he was saying I was doing a bad job - but really - I had been staring at it so long - I didn't notice what he saw. I would so love these details that he paid attention to. I was annoyed at first - but appreciated it that same night as well. It was also nice for him to save my back a little and finish. There were so many tools that I didn't know how to use, but I've figured most of them out.
I was putting stuff away tonight and wondered what he would think. I had asked Keagan to help - but he put like 2 things away and then disappeared. I don't think he'd like the lack of help most of the time from my kids. I keep trying and trying and it has to set in someday. I'm not giving up, but I know part of my problem is their lack of help. Malea has been supposed to clean her room so we can get pictures. She spent 2 days on it - and I looked at it - and it is awful. I said - you have so much left to do. She said - It looks clean to me. OMG....I think I'll be working on her room tomorrow. This isn't a new thing though - I struggled with this before. Keagan was much younger then - but Malea has always been hard to deal with involving cleaning up. I really need to find something that works.
Last night I was lying in bed and I thought Keagan put his hand on my arm. I turned over though and Keagan was playing on his ipad. I know many people have said that they have felt stuff like that. I never had though - but it certainly felt like his hand.
It is probably sad that I still think this - he isn't here to tell me he's proud. I hear from some people that they think I'm doing a good job - but it is still hard. Not having that one person to love you unconditionally and be supportive is so difficult. I feel like it just brings up more questions that I'll never have answers to.
It isn't only all the work that I'm doing that I wonder about. It is also my working out. I'm trying so hard. Of course - I'm still like the last person to finish and the slowest person. I'm losing weight slower than everyone else seems to be and my eating habits are the best they have been probably in forever.
I think I need to post little sayings all over my house when I move. Aren't you supposed to tell yourself things every morning and eventually you'll believe them?
I haven't posted in a while. While very few, if anyone, reads these - I post them more for myself than anything. It helps me vent, or track the progress I've had over the last 2 years.
The past few weeks have gone very well - especially for Malea. She has really been doing so incredibly well. She's more willing to help me. She's still lazy and so slow, but more willing, which is a step in the right direction. I still struggle with some people saying she's just a middle schooler. She isn't just a middle schooler - she's really not the same. She never really has been in line with her peers - she's always been more mature and advanced. Sometimes it has been a pain and sometimes it really is hard because she doesn't seem like she's only 13. This has caused her reaction to such a tragedy to be harder to deal with. She's has adult reactions to so much of it - but she still is 13 so her body hasn't been able to cope as well as it should. We are still really struggling with the body - but her mental state has greatly improved. She hardly spends much time in her room anymore (though I still can't get her to keep it clean). She is eating more - still not where she was before all of this, but definitely eating more. She's getting along with Keagan more - unless it is the morning and then - she just really isn't a morning person.
Our family dynamic is just so different now. Keagan is so greatly attached to me - sometimes it is really hard. He will go places - but when he comes back - he doesn't like me to leave his site. He is constantly hugging me or putting his arm around me. I worry sometimes about this - but it is nice for me to be hugged. I probably talk to Malea more than I should about things. I still keep a lot to myself, but I do occasionally bounce family ideas off of her. I just don't like to make all the decisions completely by myself.
This brings me to the phone issue I discussed yesterday. If Dave were here, Malea likely would not have been allowed to even take her phone to school. I was a worrier before Dave died, but now - it has really become so much worse. I constantly worry about losing one of my kids. Should I worry - no....I know it isn't a good thing. The struggle with worrying where your child's head is at and making her go to school when she doesn't want to get out of bed - it is just hard. She isn't a problem in school - so teachers don't really pay attention to her. Several have told me that they can tell when she's having a bad day and they just let her do her own thing. When I can talk to her occasionally (not even every day or every week) - I just feel better. I can calm her down more. I'm not being a bad parent - it is just different for us. I will follow the rules and she will as well. It will just cause me to worry a lot more than I do now.
I'm still so incredibly happy with where Malea is at right now. If we can get her shoulder figured out - things would be really great. She's more talkative (too much sometimes) and just taking time to be with almost everyone. She isn't on her phone as much in social settings either. It makes me think that all I have done in the last 2 years for her has really helped get her to where she is. With always thinking I'm a bad parent and the questioning from others - I really think I have done pretty well.
Keagan is doing really well. He is saying he'll miss our house. I know I will miss it as well - but I think it will be good to leave what sometimes can be really hard at times. Of course - he now has like 5 friends in the neighborhood all of a sudden. He went so long without any and now - they magically appear when we are getting ready to leave - hopefully he can find some near our new house.
Now to me - I have been having such a hard time sleeping - or getting to sleep. The thing that works the best is putting the Sleeping Sounds station on Pandora and setting the timer for 30 minutes. It drowns out my thoughts and doesn't have words so I just lay there and fall asleep. Last night I tried to sleep and couldn't so I put my music on. I listen to a different station during the day (no falling asleep needed at work) so that always comes on first. Last night I turned it on and what was on....."Amazed". I have talked about this song before - it was our wedding song. I used to never hear this song and I have heard it a lot over the last few months. I've always looked at it with how amazed I was at Dave and how awesome he was. Last night though - with it being the song that just played when I turned my phone on - I felt like he was singing it to me.
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
I felt like he was saying he was amazed by me with all that I'm doing. It really helped me go to sleep last night. It makes me feel like everything will be ok and that I'll get these houses done and they will sell and all will be well.
I really need everything to keep going like it has been - positive vibes only!! :)
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)