It is apparent that I need to come up with a Plan B. For the last couple months it was painfully obvious that I couldn't keep going like I was. I needed a break from something. I obviously can't take a break from my kids - they need me and they are my world, so I wouldn't even want a break from them. My flip house takes up time - but I take breaks from that when I have to...which is why it isn't done yet. It is also therapy for me....since I really enjoy it. I can't give up on all the driving for the therapy and other things needed. So - that leaves work. I've set it up - so that a break barely affects anyone. I wouldn't need a break if the drive wasn't so far and they were treating me well. I've always had a problem with many of the people I work with - I just haven't had the other problems that I've experienced since Dave died. It has caused so much extra stress on me. I really need to focus on my health and getting me better - I have not done that at all. I've been so worried about everyone else - that I haven't really tried to help myself.
It doesn't look as though my plan is going to work. The person making the decision doesn't believe the Doctor and does not believe I should be allowed any extra concessions because of my situation. I know it probably isn't fair to give me anything extra - but I'm not in a normal situation. I've been trying for the last year to manage the load needed for 2 people and I just haven't done a very good job at it.
So...it looks as though I need a Plan B. I actually have a Plan B - but the chances are pretty slim - so I need a Plan C. I could just take some time to myself and not work at all. I'd have to cut back - but I think I could at least take the rest of the summer to figure things out. I could work part time somewhere - but those jobs seem very slim - and nothing in my line of work. I could also just keep going like I have been....I just think in the long run - it is just going to keep depressing me and make me a very bitter person. I don't think that is a good option for my kids.
I am currently off until I get official word - but I'm not very optimistic that it will go through. So far I for sure had yesterday and today off. I'll keep checking my email to see if the message come through about tomorrow. If I don't hear - I'll at least have tomorrow.
This limbo is just about as stressful as working!!! At least I'm with my kids.....:)
I'm sitting here in my room with a wonderful view of the river running by the lodge. This is such a peaceful place. The location of the lodge is ideal as it is an hour away from so many things. We went on a pictured rocks excursion on pontoon boats on Wednesday. It was quite freezing out on that water. They warned me that it would be cold, but I thought sweatshirt and pants would be enough. I'm not sure that a winter jacket would have been enough - it was COLD!! We still got some great pictures...I'm just not sure everyone thought it was as fun as it could have been if it was a bit warmer. I'm glad we didn't do the kayak option - that was originally the plan.
Yesterday we went to Marquette. I had been there twice I think with Dave. I remember going up on this mountain and looking at this amazing view. I didn't know where it was though - so we went to Presque Isle. That was very pretty and I'm glad we went there. However - Malea and Kelly went on this trail that I thought I was going to meet them at. Turned out that it didn't end up in the same place I thought. I had to walk back and find them - since the road is one way. I ended up doing a bit of trail walking back to the car. It was nice.
Today I met a friend of mine for lunch and then the family went to check out one of the waterfalls nearby to get a big group picture. I'm hoping that turns out well.
I kept thinking that Dave would have been proud of me. Malea, despite throwing a fit at first about going to Marquette, really had fun out on the trails. She had fun today in the waterfalls - since you could go pretty far walking in the little river. Keagan was walking in the water though and ended up in a deep spot and was really scared. I was freaking out trying to get to him. He did great and swam to safety - but wouldn't go back in after that. I keep wondering if I should do a vacation he would have hated - it is hard to do so many things he loved - especially things we did together. I want the kids to honor him though as well - and since they are adventurers like him - I have to suck it up. It is just so emotional.
Update on FMLA - I submitted the paperwork that the Dr. sent to my work. I Just got word that it wasn't approved - so I have to see if my Dr. can fix it. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do. This vacation has helped - but I'm getting close to a breaking point and I'm not sure what I can do - without this break.
One more day of vacation and then we head back home on Sunday. I'm not looking forward to the long drive, the unpacking and then back to work the next day. My week is already super packed....and none of that includes working on my house :(
This is the first vacation that my whole family is going on in like forever. I have such mixed feelings about it. We are going to one of our most favorite places in the world....the UP. Dave and I went to the UP often - usually at least every other year. We would always talk about other places - but many times just would end up going there because we just loved it.
We've never been up there in June - so I'm a tad worried about the weather up there. So far the forecast is for around 73 the day we get there. That isn't horrible - but with that being the high, the evenings will be fairly chilly. It should be good weather for hiking though. We are going to take the warmest expected day to rent 2 pontoons and go see Pictures Rocks from the water. I am very excited about that.
I've always loved our vacations to the UP because they've always been so relaxing. We didn't used to have any cell service up there - so that was nice. We usually just hike and chill out. I love that about being up there.
I'm a little worried with so many kids that there won't be enough to occupy the kids. I know my kids are perfectly happy with the trails. I just worry about Keagan - my daredevil kid that might get too close to the edge. Dave was always one step ahead of him. It is very hard for me to think like him - I'm so cautious. The only thing that gets me in trouble is my clumsiness. Hopefully I can get Keagan to realize that he needs to listen and not get too crazy or he'll scare Mommy too much. They both think it is funny to do that to me - but I can't handle them both doing that.
I'm really hoping that Malea will be totally with us on this trip. I don't want her reading the whole time and want her to cherish this time together. There are a few other worries of mine that I'm hoping I can get over or deal with.
Lots of packing and shopping going on this week! Kids last day of school is on Wednesday - they are so excited!
I know that when people die - the people left behind will always regret some action - or things that didn't happen. I looked for a little quote on regret - but nothing fit what I wanted to say.
I do not regret loving Dave or being his wife. I have, over the last year, judged my role as a wife:
~I don't keep the most organized house. It is very cluttered.
~I got mad at the stupidest little things.
~I didn't praise him enough.
~I'm not nice to look at.
While those things were true - I also was a pretty darn good wife.
~ I always did the dishes.
~ I always did the laundry (and folded it the way he wanted me to).
~ I generally made dinner including packing his lunch for his years at Target
~ I encouraged him to go out with his friends and very rarely told him that I didn't want him to go.
~ I wrote many papers for him.
~ I bought him way too many watches.
So - why is it that I'm always so down on myself? He did appreciate those things - even when I thought he wasn't. I tried to be everything he wanted me to be and always felt like a failure - but that wasn't his fault.
Last night I cried myself to sleep feeling like I didn't honor his last wish. The thing that he always said at every funeral that had an open casket - I don't want anyone to look at me when I'm gone. I refused to look at him when we had the chance. Looking back - I honestly l don't think I could have handled it. People would have had to pull me away or likely call an ambulance or something to remove me. I had him cremated and didn't have an open casket. I couldn't stop others from seeing them. I'm sure it is a closure issue - but I still feel bad about it.
I feel like I've lost so much more than just Dave - and I know I have. I've lost people along with much of myself.
There are people that make these hug pillows out of shirts worn by a loved one. I've debated on getting one made. Dave was no pillow - he was bony and not soft like a pillow. He certainly gave amazing hugs though.
You can't go back and make things up. You can't take back anything you've said. You can't undo most things that have been done.
The post that is going around by Sheryl Sandberg. It is right on about a lot of things. However - she's a public figure and has certain expectations. I don't know how old her children are and maybe she's normally a really happy person. She seems upbeat after 30 days. I wasn't doing the worst at that point - I was very numb at 30 days. It is very hard to grasp how hard everything will be....how lonely everything will be.
Last night was our 2nd night with the new therapist. Malea seems to like her - so we will plan on seeing her for now. Malea does open up a little while in there. I had to take Keagan this week - that wasn't a good plan. Sometimes he can sit and watch a movie - but never when we are somewhere new. He's just too curious and wouldn't sit still.
She did agree that Malea was stuck. I have felt that way for a while and while I have seen some improvement - we have gone backwards a little. Malea is convinced that she's this whole other person than she was before. I know that big things like this change you - but it doesn't have to change pretty much everything about you. So - the therapist wants to see me alone to help me cope with her and her stuckness (I know that isn't a word). It was kind of nice to get some validation - that I'm not doing anything wrong.
Last night I was asking the kids questions from a survey on Facebook. It was nice hearing Malea say that I'm always there for her and always trying to help her. I haven't felt like she thought I was helping or trying to help. It is nice to know that she really does know that I have her best interests at heart and am not just trying to be mean. She still will barely mention the word Dad - even when I asked her the question "What makes Mom sad?" - she didn't say Dad. I asked her why she didn't say that - "I don't want to think about it". I keep hoping she'll try to improve to honor his memory - but I think she doesn't try to think about him. I think that is why she is stuck. She did also say that she seems stuck with her reading - she wants her to read more happy things. I have noticed that when Malea tells me about her books - they always seem to be about one parent having died and the child trying to deal with it.
Counting down to vacation....although I looked at the weather and for the next 10 days it isn't above 70 there :( I don't think any tanning is going to happen!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)