Of course I'll always wish that I could go back and change things so that Dave didn't die. That wish would never go away either. I'm not talking about that though - I just wish I could go back and change things about me.
Today was the beginning of our Once Upon a Marriage series at church. I decided to go and listen. I realized how much of a failure I was as a wife. I loved Dave more than I have every loved anyone. I don't think he felt like that most of the time though. I tried to be a pretty understanding wife and gave him as much freedom as I could so that he could see his friends or family when he wanted to. He didn't go out every week....probably once a month, if that. It depended on the time of the year.
I didn't realized how much of a burden I put on him for my happiness. I really put most everything in to him - which is why now - without him I feel pretty worthless. That wasn't fair to him at all. I was too hard on him - I wanted him to do more around the house. He really put most of his energy in to the kids. His sleep schedule was so messed up - but he still always put the kids first. He didn't really care that our house was always full of toys and never spotless. He was happy that I always made dinner and he always had clean clothes. He loved me and while he depended on me - it was different.
I could see how this could help someone improve their marriage. However - with me - I just realized how awful I was. I so wish I could go back and show him that I could be a better wife. I would change the way I was and concentrate more on things that weren't on him.
There were other points to the sermon. My blog isn't meant to be preachy - so I will work on those issues that I can work on. I just can't get past what I can't work on - something that I'll never be able to fix :( I'm going to try not to dwell on it - but I know that it will eat at me for a while.
I need to just work on being a good example for my kids and hopefully guiding my daughter to not be the same way and to be mindful of how she is with others. I will show my son as well. He had a great role model and I hope to show him that. If he's as good of a husband as his father was - he'd make any girl happy.
I just need to be more accepting of people - and look at their strengths. They may be doing the best that they can. Just because it isn't up to my expectations - that doesn't mean that they aren't doing their best. Just something for me to work on....
I've always been a pretty quiet person. In elementary school I'd be surprised if many people heard me talk unless I was answering a question that the teacher asked. I tended to be a bit of a suck up like that.... I rarely went outside for recess once I knew that we could go to the library. I would just go in there and read for recess every day. I think they outlawed that when I was in 5th grade, but somehow I was still able to do that....guess I was special ;)
There are many days that I go almost the whole day without talking to anyone other than my kids. At the store I go to the self checkout. I'm not good with small talk. I feel very fake and most people don't really want to know how I truly am - so my answer is generally 'I'm ok'.
I'm actually doing better. Just yesterday I was driving and loving the sunshine and overall just ok with my life. I'm not happy - not like I was before. I'm not sure I'll ever be truly happy again. I'm ok though - I'm managing. Most days I don't hope that I secretly get in a car accident or something and join Dave. I want to live so that my kids have a parent. I don't want to just be there - I want them to know that I tried the best that I could to give them everything that I possibly can.
Last night while working out - I realized how much I don't talk. Some people are very loud - they grunt, they complain, they ask questions. I just listen to the directions and try to do the best that I can. I've noticed the coaches don't say much to me either. They have in the past - so I'm guessing my form is getting better so they don't have to correct me as much. Of course they say great job to everyone. I guess I probably just seem focused - which is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying not to injure myself and trying to do everything properly. I may not improve on how much weight I can lift - but really - I don't care if I never RX a weight. I would love to be higher on the board - but I want to be healthy and look decent. That is my ultimate goal. I would love to look fit - but not sure if that is possible. I can at least look better and be more active.
I know some of my family would not agree with this - I talk plenty around them...probably too much. Just around pretty much everyone else - I really don't say much at all. I know a lot - I'm always listening. I pretty much know what is going on.
I bought this book on being invisible....I really need to finish reading that. I read the first chapter since I got that for free on my Kindle while I was waiting for the book. I haven't opened it since I got it though. I try to say more - but people couldn't be less interested in what I have to say. I really do have good ideas - but I just keep them to myself for future reference. What is wrong with me?
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)