Ever since I had Keagan (and a little while before) I've had such a hard time losing weight. I know that when I had him I was 30 - but I was putting in the effort and not seeing results. I was very upset with myself. I was eating better than ever, but still gaining weight. I was convinced that I had a thyroid issue - I'm cold all the time, I'm tired all the time and plus the weight issue. I had my thyroid tested and it came back normal. I gave it a year or so and found a new doctor. She did a lot more tests on me and discovered that my hormone imbalance pointed to PCOS. I've been on medicine for it for almost 2 years now.
Since taking the medicine - I had seen some positive changes, one of those being a lot slower weight gain. That was nice since I had hurt myself and couldn't exercise for a little while. I was finally pain free and doing ok and Dave and I had committed to working out again. We hadn't been able to work out together again (we did that a few years ago and it was great) - but we were both working out and doing the same program. It was so nice to complain about leg day together and tell him I was jealous that he could stand up to pee - it was very hard to sit down! Then....Dave died :( :( :(
I can honestly say the last year has been awful. I was already super depressed with how I looked and how horrible I felt about myself. We were eating out all the time because I just couldn't cook. The kids would get excited when I would actually cook - but it has been very sporadic over the last year. Keagan could eat spaghetti every day - but Malea doesn't like it - so I try to limit that to every 10 days or so. I actually cooked almost every day for the last week (until last night) - even at the house. We bought food and barbecued it - since I only have a tiny fridge and now a small charcoal grill there. I made Stuffed Shells on Tuesday and Keagan gave me the biggest, longest hug! Seriously - I felt awful that it took me this long to make one of his favorite meals. I love it as well - but it isn't exactly healthy - so I don't want to make it very often (plus it takes a long time to make). I have also probably worked out maybe 3 times over the last year. It may be more like 10 - but over a year - that is really awful :(
I get emails every once in a while about PCOS and was looking over it. It linked to another article about low GI foods and PCOS. I think I really need to try to work on this. I'm tired of being a fat person - and will never be happy until I lose like 100 pounds (ok - maybe like 50). Since I'm finally cooking and it is barbeque weather - I think I can try to do this and be somewhat successful. My kids are all about eating healthier lately - unless it is veggies for Malea - she isn't up for that.
It sucks to be doing this on my own - and having to encourage myself - but I really need to do this. Maybe there is an app that sends a message every day - Messages like:
You can do it!
You are fat - drop what you are eating!
Get off your butt and workout!
I'd have to throw a couple nice ones in there - since degrading someone every day isn't very encouraging.
Finding time to exercise is a problem - but if I started small...like the other day I did 20 pushups, 50 squats and then ran in place for a little while.
I wish this wasn't so hard :(
I've been in a decent place lately. I'm actually starting to do things to improve my life. I actually made a Dr. appointment to see about FMLA. I'm pretty much at a limit and can't take on much more. I freaked out at the thought of taking my phone to a store because frankly - I just don't have time! I felt bad for the guy - I was getting very angry - however I know how things work and I knew that they could just send me a box to send my phone back. He applauded me at the end for pushing to get my way - so he didn't seem to be upset with me.
The kids are out of school in 9 days. Things will be less stressful in a way because they'll sleep in later and I can get to work earlier. However - I'll be stressing out because they'll call me all day fighting with each other :( Working from home last year made it so nice - there wasn't much fighting then because I was there to get in the middle. Malea still spends a lot of time in her room (not cleaning it obviously) and I feel that Keagan will be just basically taking care of himself all day, which kind of sucks. Maybe I can come up with some crafts that can be done while I'm at work - that can keep him occupied and not just watching tv all day.
Malea has come a decent way and is doing her current homework for the most part. She's still really behind, but with the amount of time left in the year - she won't get caught up. With her being sick this last week - she's been more tired than usual. We go on vacation in a week and my goal for her is to get her to do stuff with us - to really be engaged. She did fairly well on our mini vacation - she seems to do ok if we have a specific activity. She still prefers to read over anything else. I loved to read - but I don't remember it interfering with anything else - I would just read if I didn't have anything else to do.
Keagan is doing fine as usual. He has become lazy and far less helpful - so I'm trying to figure out a way to remedy that. A friend of mine uses a pay per hour system and that is working well for them. I'm not sure it would motivate Malea - but I think it would for Keagan. He's always wanting me to buy something and I almost always say no. If he had his own money - he could save up - he does need to learn about how to manage it.
June will be so busy for us....week long vacation in the middle of June. Our family reunion at the end of June - which Malea won't be able to attend because she'll be at a grief camp that weekend. I also have so many deadlines that I'm working on to get submitted. Some aren't due until July - but I'm trying to get them all in by the end of June.
I'm also trying to shoot for end of June to get my house on the market.....but I still have so much to do! I'm worried that won't happen. My main bath should be very close this weekend. With drying time for the grout - I can't finish it all this weekend - but it will be close. Then I can start on the other bathroom! I'll be so happy when I can get some flooring down!
This happiness after loss summit that I've been listening to has been somewhat helpful. It is only day 7 and I missed day 1 - but some of what they are saying makes sense to me. Two of the speakers specialize in divorce - so I was a little annoyed because some of what they said was completely different from the loss of a spouse that you loved and will never see again. At least one of them really understood loss with the loss of a father and a best friend.
Anyway....all of them seem to say the same thing. You must find your passion - you must find something to fuel your happy. The one I listened to today was all about finding your passion and choices. She said if you can find something that you are passionate about not always worry about money. You will be much happier doing something you love - rather than just something you are good at. I never would have thought about flipping houses all by myself - or even as a main source of income. It turns out - I'm really good at it and I really love it. I'm still waiting to see how this house comes out to decide about just doing that - and while it is taking much longer to complete than expected - I still think I could do 2-3 houses per year (as long as they weren't all as big as the one I'm doing). I don't know that there will always be the availability of houses to flip - but others seem to do pretty well. I actually really like the work part of my job. I'm really good at it and I really love many aspects of it. However - since Dave died I'm treated very poorly there and that makes me really not like going in to work. It doesn't assist me in being happy. I know lots of people don't like their job, but I actually have an alternative.
Now the choices part is what I have such a hard time with. I can get on the passion bandwagon - I agree with all of that. The choice to be happy and not let your circumstances hinder you really are hard for me to grasp. I've never focused on myself - I've always had other people to take care of. I strived to make Dave happy - to find food he liked and make it for him. I would make sure I bought snacks he liked and folded his clothes the way he wanted. I still do that for my kids, of course, but they learned everything from us - and they expect me to take care of them. I know Dave appreciated me - sometimes I felt like he didn't - but I know he did. Choosing to be happy I'm working on the concepts - but I've never been a positive or overly happy person.
So many people would get excited to see Dave, but I feel like so many people have forgotten him. I couldn't even hardly get people to give me memories about him to make a book for our kids :( That just makes me so sad :( I feel like I can't keep his memory alive by myself. I will keep trying though....
While driving today - I was thinking....not usually a good thing with me - I need a shorter commute....that I feel like I'm back where I started when I was 20. I moved to this side of the state with my parents and was all alone. I left everything I had ever known (other than my family of course) to try to figure out my life in a new place. I was very lonely and slept a lot. I didn't have anything to pass the time at the time - my room didn't have 4 walls - so I didn't even really have anywhere to go. I was very lazy then I remember. I wish I would have jumped on the fitness bandwagon then - maybe I'd be better off today. I was completely lost and had no clue what to do with my life.
Now - here I am 18 years later and I feel like I'm the same place. I've been listening to these interviews on finding happiness after loss. They all say find your passion - choose to be happy. I don't know how to do that. I know that I need to be happy with myself - but I don't know how to make that happen. I definitely don't feel worth it. I'm going to keep listening to these interviews - there is one every day for 15 days I think. I missed Day 1 (and they only last for 3 days) - but listened to Day 2 and 3. It can't be good for my kids for me to not at least try.
One of the interviews did say that they weren't honoring the loved one if they weren't happy. He was what made me happy - I was happy to see him with the kids and how good of a Dad he was. I don't feel like I ever brought any of the happiness to this house. I'm trying to be like he was and take the kids places and play games with them. I even went on this horrible water slide - they lied to me about it - but I did it. They both laughed and laughed - he would have loved it.
Malea is very aware of why we are going out of town this weekend. Keagan just thinks I'm a cool Mom and am taking them to a waterpark. For Mother's Day he got me a balloon and it had not made it out of the car. I finally got him to grab it and bring it in last night. On the way in to the house - he said - Mom, can I send this up to Daddy. I told him he could if he wanted to. He constantly looks up at the sky, especially at night, and says Hi to Daddy. I asked him if he knew why we were going out of town this weekend. I told him why - and he just said Oh. Time to a 6 year old is so different than it is to an adult. I'm so sad with how much he is missing from not knowing his Dad. I'm worried he's going to turn in to this girly boy that doesn't know anything about sports or anything - since I don't know anything about them - or really have the time to get him in to a sport.
Malea started her therapy last night. I wish I could get her to do things without appearing like it is the most boring thing in the world. She does like this counselor though - so that is good. It was interesting to hear her talk though. She did say some things I never heard before. She's worried that her idea of Dave isn't who he really was. I've never voiced that to her - but somehow she thought about that. She thinks so much - just like me - and that can be such a dangerous thing. I don't want her to think negative thoughts about him. He certainly wasn't perfect - but she doesn't need to think about negative things.
I get very nervous about driving long distances. I never had to drive with him. We even took a 17 hour trip once and I had planned on driving a decent part of the trip. I only drove an hour - he just preferred driving. Today I am venturing out on a 5+ hour drive and I'm already tired and woke up with a massive headache. I'm also driving around Chicago and that is my least favorite place to drive. A month from now - we have an 8+ hour drive coming up. I kept meaning to get a DVD player installed and just haven't had the time to get it done. Hopefully I can before our UP trip. Today we'll just have the laptop to use and hopefully that will suffice. I was supposed to get my car serviced for the last time for free - but that didn't happen either. I need more time during the day! Luckily it was just to rotate the tires - so I'll just get the 30K service. I can't believe I haven't even had my car for a year and I have 26K miles on it! Amazing how many more miles you drive when you only have one car.
I took the back way to training today and drove by the tree. I got out and picked up the cross and put it in to the ground. It gets knocked over a lot and I'm thinking of possibly drilling it in to the tree.
I really can't believe it has been a year. I really never thought I would be able to function without him. I've managed. I've lost many friends/acquaintances. I've second guessed almost everything I've done. I've had some people question me - but for the most part - people just leave me alone. I feel like more of a helicopter parent than ever before. I want to protect them more than ever and I wonder if they think I'm a horrible parent. I don't have anyone there saying - hey - cool it anymore. I am extremely overwhelmed and never have enough time. I know that isn't just me - other people have the same issue. I was busy before and I've always had to keep track of what is going on - I just had a sounding board before - and we would figure things out together. I don't think I'm doing completely awful though - but I really want to be better. Are they closer on the clone making? I could use one just to drive ;) That would solve my major problems! This next year is going to be even busier I think - I have lots of things to consider and I need to make sure I get my kids involved in something.
I realized last night - while thinking about something else that Malea especially seems to be living the same way I am. When I was her age - my Mom was always out doing things. She was very involved in the church and was always going away to Women's retreats. I always either had friends over or I was going to a friend's house for as long as I can remember. My parents were always going somewhere and usually it was a family activity - so we would tag along. I was very busy in high school - always doing something. I don't think I went a weekend without doing something. It was much less in elementary and middle school - but I would at least do something once a month.
It is so much different now. Once we moved out here - people just weren't the same. There weren't the same types of activities in the small town that there were in the bigger towns. My parents got busy with foster care and my Dad was only home on the weekends - so going somewhere rarely happened - unless it was a holiday.
I did not grow up near either grandparent or cousins. With my kids - they have 5 cousins that they see on a fairly regular basis.
No church I've attended is similar to the one I grew up. Women's retreats are very rare - there were more marriage seminars than anything else - and we could never go to those based on our schedules and having small kids.
Small groups are the way people get to know each other now in church and I am way beyond intimidated by them. What if I don't pick the right group? I have to go to one that allows children to come - so that is a limiting factor. From looking around at my church - there seems to be full families - no single parents. I had intended on signing up for the last small group and I just decided not to. Being an only parent freaks me out and I just can't relate to people anymore.
I'm debating on joining some groups for real estate investors/rentals. They aren't exactly local - but someone recommended I look in to them to stay on top of everything.
Malea was in a small group and was loving it and doing well, but the group seems to have gone away. I think I need to focus on getting her in to something. Next year I'm trying to figure out how to get her to be able to do a sport. I just have to figure out what I'm going to do with Keagan. I'll need to find someone to pick him up from school on a sporadic basis. She will need to first try out and that might intimidate her - but I think it would be good for her. I just worry she won't take kindly to me pushing her to get involved if I'm not involved in anything. She hasn't said anything about that though....so maybe I can skate along without her noticing. I am very busy with them and my new side job.
I just hate being 37 and just being at a loss with what to do with my life. My idea of working on houses full time makes most people look at me like I'm crazy. Once I get this house done in the next 2 months hopefully and get it listed and sold - I will weigh my options more seriously. I'm so unbelievable unhappy at work right now - I just don't know how much longer I can keep getting berated and treated poorly without it affecting me even more negatively. I'll so miss the work - I love the actual work - I just can't handle the politics and the lack of understanding.
I don't really have time to go out and meet people currently - especially with not having a clue as to where a good place would be to do that. My house keeps me busy and once I'm done with that - I have a few of my own home projects I need to get done. I need to figure out if I'm going to stay living in my house or seek out another place to live. I have so many decisions coming up that are major and just not trusting myself to make these decisions....I usually do always think things through very thoroughly and weigh all the odds. I just have to get used to not having input or someone telling me that my ideas are either stupid - or suggesting an alternative. I'm moving very slowly - but things aren't currently working the way they are - so I have to do something and start thinking about them.
One year ago Dave was still with us. We had had a beautiful Mother's Day weekend. We had gone out as a family with Scott and Selena and had dinner and games. Dave took Malea to gymnastics and then the rest of Saturday we spent at my parent's house and then taken everyone out to eat. Dave was very tired that weekend and in pain. He had hurt his back and after helping my Dad with wood - he slept on the couch. Then Sunday was Mother's Day. He had purchased a curl bar for me - since we needed one for our workouts as well as a watch and an orchid. I don't wear the watch very often since I never got it sized to fit properly. I've used the weights once. I just have a hard time using them since they were the last things he bought me.
Sometimes I feel so bitter - and I know I'm not supposed to. I went to my Mom's church yesterday and it was hard. They sang a song (Cry out to Jesus) and the part of the lyrics are:
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye
To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
This is from one of my favorite groups (Third Day) and I have a hard time with this song. I get the point and I have cried out plenty - but I don't like hearing the words listed above.
The pastor also spoke about single mothers and how hard it is for them. I know this - I've always said this. However, most single mothers I know were always single mothers - so it was very different for them. I would say at least half of the single mothers I know also always had a boyfriend - so even then - at least they had another person to talk to. They may not have been co-parents - but they had a life outside of their kids. Anyway - he was talking about divorce and talked about how the family should stay together as God intended it to be. I so wanted to say - THEN DON'T TAKE THE PARENT AWAY!!!!
I never intended for my family to be this way. We aren't a good functioning family - we are very dysfunctional and I keep trying to make things better. My kids are safe and loved and fed (Keagan may argue this point depending on the time of day) - there is just a lot of anger, resentment, sadness in our house. At least we have Keagan to lighten up the mood most days. I'm not looking forward to the day when he isn't the funny man and enters the sad phase - I'm sure there will come a time when he gets very angry about not having a Dad around. As it is now - he constantly wants every uncle to pick him up when he sees them. Dave always did that. He's getting too big to be picked up and I think that will be hard for him when that stops happening.
This weekend we are heading to the Wisconsin Dells. I have never been there - so I don't know how the drive will be or where I'm going. I have GPS - so that will guide me. I'm not sure yet when I will be able to leave - so we may end up around Chicago during rush hour on a Friday night :( :( We are coming home on the 18th....I don't know if that was a good idea or not. Hopefully we can make it a decent weekend. I know both kids are really looking forward to a weekend at the waterpark.
Twenty-two years ago I was in 10th grade. I had plenty of friends, and was set to get my license very soon. I had this obnoxious guy that liked me - and had since marching band camp my freshman year. I wouldn't give him the time of day, plus I wasn't allowed to date - so I just was annoyed by him. When I was 15 I agreed to out with him. We dated for many years and had planned to get married. Needless to say we didn't get married. I won't go in to details - it just wasn't meant to be. I, of course, know that now - and was better off. I did love him - but we were just not destined to be together. He may not have loved me - but he really did get me. He really made me speak my mind to him and brought me out of my shell a little bit. I'll always respect him for that. When we broke up - I was lost. I of course was lost and my future plans were no more. I had given up my dream of being a teacher for him - something I always wanted. I figured at that point it was too late - I was already 20 and didn't want to be an old teacher (I know that is funny now).
That was 1998 and I moved to Sturgis that year. I had never planned to move there. I always knew that my parents would move there - I had absolutely no interest in living in a small town - over an hour away from a mall. I tried living with my sister for a little while - but that just didn't work. It was too hard to live where I grew up with everyone knowing what happened. I was embarrassed that it was over didn't want to face people. My Mom really wanted me to move - so I decided to give it a try. I hated it for 2 months. I couldn't find a job and was just very depressed. I think I enrolled in school right before I found a job at least - so I was still going in the right direction. That job was supposed to only last a week - but turned permanent. That happened to also be where Dave worked.
I didn't meet Dave right away. Our jobs didn't really align all that much. He only needed to look over the UPS bills and that was about the extent of our working relationship. I think I talked to him briefly in November possibly (I started in August). I have no idea what about - but we talked for a few minutes. Then one time - I had to take some timecards out to him. I didn't do timecards - but for some reason I had to take them out there. I didn't end up finding him - which I was sad about. He was the first real person to really talk to me - so I had wanted to see him. He started using the upstairs copier of fax machine more often. He'd talk to me occasionally - just like basic things - but I knew he was going out of his way (I probably didn't know that at the time - I do know that now though). I was going on a trip in December - a honeymoon trip I had won from my previous wedding that didn't happen. I called him to let him know I wouldn't be there for a week. I don't know why I thought he would care. I think I said something about the UPS bill or something - if he had any questions I wouldn't be there to answer them. He thought it was cool I was going to Mexico. He didn't ask me out until March - I don't remember much from January and February - I think he had a girlfriend or something then.
So that was it - from March on - we were together. We talked almost every night. I felt bad for him a lot because they didn't have a home phone at the time (long story) - so he would go to a pay phone and call me. After a while of that - I just started sending him home with my cell phone. No need to go to a pay phone when he could use my cell. He hated doing that - and it wasn't long before he got a cell phone of his own. That was much better.
Dave was very different from my first boyfriend. He wouldn't make me talk if I didn't want to. That annoyed me - I think I made it a game and he just wasn't in to that. I didn't trust him due to the past - but it didn't take long. Many times he would say - I'm not him - he obviously saw my issues with my past and understood why I was that way. I loved that he understood.
I don't regret my first love - I would have never met Dave and would have never been who I was with him without that history. I know that was a lesson I needed to learn. When I met Dave - I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. I was determined that I was going to be alone forever. I had tried online dating and realized - I just wasn't going to find what I wanted there.
I just don't get what lesson I'm supposed to learn through this. I don't know what I did to deserve this awful pain. There is no way I'll be better off living through this. I can live - I know that I'm capable of doing pretty much anything I want to do (well - except losing weight - I seem to be incapable of doing that). I never thought I would manage without him. I am managing - but that was a sucky way to learn that.
I've been thinking - I've had 2 loves. I have my wonderful kids and am determined to give them the best life possible. I think people have a limit of how much love they are allowed to receive. I think I have more I could give, but I don't think that I'm allowed to have more people love me back. I'm likely not an easy person to love - or talk to. I think I'm getting to be ok with that. I did try to go out to eat by myself - still couldn't do that. I still just ordered it to go and ate it in my car. One of these days I'm going to go to a movie again by myself. I thought about maybe Magic Mike....lol. I never saw the first one - but I think it would be a little weird doing that by yourself anyway.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)