For as long as I can remember - I've had a very low opinion of myself. If I think about it - I have some great qualities, but I can't seem to think that those great ones overpower or outweigh all the bad qualities.
I was always smart in school - especially in elementary. I was definitely one of the top kids almost every year. My first B was in 5th grade and I cried for hours!! Middle school showed me that I wasn't the smartest anymore since 4 schools came together and each had their own smart people as well. I still did fine - but was more in the top 1/4 of the school than the top 10 probably. High school was pretty much the same way - always someone smarter. I was a pretty awesome flute player though....I really am overly confident with my music :)
Besides band and academics I really didn't have anything else. I couldn't sing, couldn't do any physical activity very well (other than riding my bike) and I certainly wasn't the most popular by any means. I also was never the skinniest kid around.
I'm trying to work on it - but I don't know how to get out of this mentality. Keagan will say - "You are the best Mom ever" and all I think of is all the ways I've screwed up that day or week. I get "You Rock" at work all the time - but what I did in those cases wasn't very hard or spectacular.
I'm kicking my own butt at CrossFit - but I still think I could be pushing myself more. I am still the slowest person in almost every class. I'm trying to improve just from my past classes - but it is still always there in my face that I'm the slowest. I don't mind being the one that lifts the least - I have no plans to become a body builder or anything. It likely will help with me moving so that I can lift way more than I ever could. I'm always running in to situations where I can't lift something and my kids just aren't capable of helping me. Hopefully I'll get to where I can just do it myself and may just need to find help with my bedroom furniture, my long couch and my piano. I don't think anyone could do those things alone.
I keep taking on more things - hoping that will impress people I guess. I get too busy and have little time for everything. If I push myself in May - I think that some of the things will be all set and I can get rid of a few things that are weighing me down.
The longer Dave has been gone - the harder I am on myself I think. I just constantly am reminded how much I have to do and how hard it is to manage everything all by myself.
My kids are finally starting to help a little more - with me still nagging them every 5 minutes. It just take them like 10 times as long to do something than it would take me, plus it slows me down always having to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to.
My long drives usually make me think about things and this is what was on my mind today. I listen to a lot of different music - but I would say that probably 85% of music is about love. Some is about heartbreak - but that is really about love as well - just something went wrong.
All of my life - I wanted 2 things. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to go to college - but really wanted to be a wife and mother above everything else. That was always my goal. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 - and while I'm pretty sure I only had one guy that liked me until that time - I obeyed the rules and didn't date until I was almost 16 (less than a month before I turned 16). He was my first boyfriend as well as my first fiance. I did everything I could with him but I still did everything I normally did. I worked and always planned activities around our work schedules. I joined a bowling team so we could have more time together after school (even though I majorly sucked). I went to my youth group and not his. Occasionally I would go to outings with his youth group and he mine. I always loved that he didn't completely consume me and I still did quite a lot with my friends - even if he tagged along. My friends became his friends too. It helped when he broke up with me for me to still have quite a bit that I did without him. I had seen it happen so many times where people would date and nothing would go on outside of that relationship - I was pretty set on not having that happen to me. When we got back together and got engaged - he was in the Marines and I only saw him like 3 times in that year and a half. We talked on the phone probably 4-5 times per week. We had our life planned and I was all set with my plan of getting married before the age of 21 and likely having kids soon after. Obviously that didn't work out and I'm grateful as he went on to have like a dozen kids (not really - but close) and I'm perfectly happy with my 2. Seven or eight kids would be even harder to manage on my own.
When I met Dave I was still heartbroken. I had gone through a lot that summer with the move and having a very difficult time finding a job. One of my best friends was severely injured. I had nobody to do anything with other than the trips that I made back home to Detroit to do things with my old friends. By the time Dave and I started dating - it had been about 11 months since my broken engagement. I wasn't expecting anything - but it was nice to get out of my house and do something with another adult.
Unlike my relationship with Todd - my relationship with Dave was much more consuming. It was mainly because I didn't have any other ties here. I had my family, Dave and work - that was it. We still made occasional trips back to Detroit - but they got farther apart since it got expensive and I was busy with him.
Looking back - I wish I had more stuff that I had going on before I met Dave. These last almost 2 years wouldn't have been so hard. Actually - the last 18 years wouldn't have been so hard. I feel like having my kids to fall back on is too much pressure on them. I don't want them to have to worry about me - or think they have to be around just to comfort me. He grew up here - so he always had stuff to do with other people. He had friends he regularly hung out with. He also had his riding (mountain biking) that he loved to do whenever he could.
Now that I have CrossFit - I feel like I kind of belong somewhere. I still feel intimidated that I am not where everyone else is. I don't talk to hardly anyone - but I show up and that is something. I'm really thinking about doing these Independence Games this summer. I might chicken out though because I think you have to have someone to do it with. I partly don't want to because the clues that they have given sound awful to me - especially running in to the river. Oh well - I can wash, right?
I'm sure everyone is tired about hearing about my workouts - but for now - that is what I have. My best friend is me and my barbell and tennis shoes - or other equipment I'm using for the WOD. It might sound silly - but it is where I feel I belong right now. I should think about my workout clothes and equipment as the partner in the love songs. I'll get mad at what I can't do - and blame the equipment - but I'll keep working at it until I love it. I probably won't always love all of the moves - but hey with another person there is always something about them you'd love to change, right?
We just went and saw Miracles from Heaven. It was a great movie - definitely a tear jerker. I thought a lot about the Mom in the movie and could very much relate to her. She was fighting for her daughter and I'm doing the same thing. There are other issues there - but I'm still fighting - trying to help her and always coming up short. I will keep on trying until she gets some relief.
I don't want to give too much of the story away - but the Mom lost her faith. She couldn't understand how a loving God could allow a child to suffer. I am right there with her. I just don't understand why we have to go through this pain. Why does Malea have to go through this pain and struggle so much. She's an amazing girl, and maybe she'll come out super strong. In the meantime though - I just don't know how to help her. I keep trying to tell her that it won't last forever - but I really don't know. If we can't find the cause of her pain - we can't fix it. Right now the doctor says it has to do with her mood, her sleep and her posture. She has the best posture I've seen in a kid. She doesn't sleep well because she's in pain. Her mood has been the best it has been in the last 2 years. He suggested a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist. I don't really know the difference.
Growing up - I was always the church girl. I never minded people teasing me about that. I loved growing up in the church. I was a strong member of my youth group and went on to be a youth leader. I would say my faith was a bit damaged after my broken engagement. I left the church I loved and moved away. I didn't like the church I attended once I moved out here and tried to find somewhere else - but never managed to find a decent church. Dave and I found a church once we moved that we attended for quite a while. We had a few issues and ended up leaving - nobody noticed even though we attended pretty regularly for almost 10 years.
I finally found a church that I like again. I still am really struggling though. The Mom in the movie came around but her situation could be fixed. Mine is permanently broken - it can never be fixed. No miracle could bring my best friend back or the father of my children. She also had an amazing pastor that cared a lot about her family and a loving supportive husband as well as a few really good friends. It is hard to just constantly talk to myself and not get any feedback. I'm not the most positive person - especially when it comes to myself. I certainly don't feel like my prayers will ever get answered. I don't even really know what to ask for. I suppose getting through the day every day is somewhat an answer - but I just want more than that.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)