No day generally starts out well in my house. Mornings pretty much suck. Keagan usually does pretty well - as long as I hound him. I think only one time this year has he gone off to school mad (and it wasn't my fault - he was just being a bratt). I've been trying not to push Malea in the mornings - or lecture her about anything. Our really bad days happen because she falls back asleep multiple times and I just don't have time to constantly run upstairs and make sure she is getting ready.
Yesterday went seemingly well all around. I had to leave earlier since I had to drive to Grand Rapids. The conference went well and the weather was nice for the drive. I was able to get home earlier than expected and went to check on my kitchen cupboards. They were in - so that made me excited. I went to the house - put up some lights (that was quite a task), swept a little and went to get the trailer so I could take it home to pick up my cupboards today.
When I got home though - things just blew up. The kitchen was super messy (I had it almost clean the day before). Malea was supposed to load the dishwasher since I was out of cups and I really wanted to have a cup available when I got home. The dishwasher was still going - she said there was an issue and it never started. She never put half the cups in the dishwasher - so at least I could hand wash a cup. Then - my favorite dessert pan broke because she put it on top of everything and it just fell and broke in to a million pieces :( I had planned to do quite a bit of cleaning - but decided that would make me more mad - so I just went to bed. I talked to Malea and said she had to help out - she said she tried but I still got mad. She'll stay home for hours at a time and get like 15 minutes of work done - I don't think that is trying :( Why am I the only one (out of currently 4 other people) that can put trash where it goes, take out the trash, clean the bathroom, put dirty dishes in the sink, vacuum, pretty much everything :( If my house wasn't so dirty - I'd hire someone to clean it....but I can't ever get it to that point and stay there for more than a day.
Hoping today is a better day! I'll be picking up my cupboards and at least getting them in the house. I'll get the bases installed Saturday - minus maybe one since I haven't figured out the plumbing for the sink yet.
Keagan is insisting we go to his school pie social tomorrow. I really did not want to go - it leaves me a whole night of not working on the house. There is a bouncy house apparently - so I guess we are going. I can at least get some cleaning done at my own house - and laundry done with me going away next week.
I just realized that my post completely disappeared :(
It was a fairly long post....but I'll summarize.
I have seen many people post wondering if love was worth it and if you had known this was going to happen - would you still have gone through with your plans. Until recently - I never would have hesitated and said - yes - love is worth it. Lately, however, I've really been struggling with this. Am I glad that I met Dave - of course I am. I have 2 great kids and wouldn't trade them for the world. I'm thinking though - it would have been better to not have had that great love :( I was treated very well for over 15 years. I was loved. We very rarely fought - and usually if we did - it was totally my fault since I can be a bit irrational.
I have said often over the last year that this would be so much easier if he wouldn't have been such a nice guy. He often told me - you'll never find a nicer guy than me. He knew he was a pretty great guy. I guess if you are told that enough - you believe it - and it goes to your head a little ;) . It came so naturally to him. He definitely had issues with people and often threatened to me that he was going to tell them off or something. He usually was totally fine. Sure - there were times that he lost his temper and it didn't go well. From what he told me - he had quite a fighting phase around 19-21 or something? I was always surprised at those stories - since they didn't seem like the Dave I knew at all. He definitely had a temper - but he generally was able to manage it (other than in the car).
I just wonder if I had not had that great love - or such a great marriage - would I be doing better?
It is really annoying how grief works. These lows that come in really make you question everything. You can't help feeling them and working through them. Sometimes they last a very short while and other times they last quite a while - weeks even. This last low for me lasted about 2 weeks. Nothing really brought it on that I can think of...
Health wise - I'm really quite a mess right now. Mentally though - yesterday I started feeling ok. My sinuses were killing me and my back still hurts a lot. I called in to work and slept most of the day away. I started feeling ok around 2 pm. I caught up on a few shows and then finally brushed my hair and put makeup on. I went to pick up Malea from school and then walked to get Keagan. I actually ran halfway there.
I wish I could be in this place I am right now all the time - I'm more productive this way. I feel like I can do this - I can be there for me kids and we'll be ok. I even cleaned my kitchen for an hour and a half last night. My house has really suffered this last year - and has been the worst this last month. I just had no motivation to do much other than laundry and dishes - because those are necessary.
Hoping that this weekend will go well. I have so much planned! Of course that is if I can manage through all this pain. I'm actually in less pain when I'm moving - or laying down. Sitting is killing me.
Hope everyone has a great Friday!
I've been really down lately. Pretty much my whole life - I have hated being alone. I rarely spent time in my room as a child. I was always either with my Mom or playing with my siblings. I did read a lot, once I could read, but I still read with other people around me. I'm not a huge fan of silence - I have to have a tv or a radio on or something - just silence is not a good thing for me.
There is a verse in the Bible that says It is not good for man to be alone. Of course this is a totally different reason and context - but for me - it is true. I'm my own worst critic - always have been. If I got a bad grade on something - I would always say my parents would kill me - but of course they never did. They really didn't even say much, because they knew that overall I would be fine.
I find that the more time I spend alone - the more negative I become. Keagan is pretty much the one one I regularly spend time with - and of course he is always praising me. He doesn't know any better now - and I'll be sad to see the day when he realizes what he thinks isn't true. Malea spends all her time in her room - and while she isn't negative towards me all the time - she is fairly negative. I keep trying to be positive about her and tell her all these great things about her. She is like me though - and doesn't believe me.
It sucks that I've passed this on. Dave would get on me and never let me say negative things. He's no longer here and while I hear him in my head after I say something - I still say negative things and I can't take them back. 99% of the time they are always about me.
I don't berate my kids - I've never been like that. I probably put them too high on a pedestal most of the time.
I'm just afraid that the more I'm alone - the more I'll turn in to this horribly negative person. I hate those people :(
It isn't like I go anywhere anyway. I go to work - where people don't ever talk to me. I go home - where sometimes we go a whole evening with barely saying anything to each other (other than conversations about food) because we're all so tired. I go to the house - where most of the time I'm working and if we do talk it is about Malea or breaking up fights among the kids that are there. I don't even usually interact with anyone other than the drive-thru. I use the self checkout at the store and use the ATM at the bank. Those people wouldn't be lifelong friends or anything anyway - so I figure - why bother.
I have been fearing when the kids get older and move out - but maybe I'll just be used to my negative self by then. I'll just wallow in my misery alone. I won't have any cats - since I'm allergic. I'll most likely have a dog - since the kids love having one.
At one time - fitness was becoming my best friend. I wish I could get back to that. At least I'd be a good looking negative person....
I'm at a breaking point I think. I'm just completely overwhelmed. I had an hour per week where I didn't have the kids at night (AWANA) and that has come to an end. I love them - but having that hour of no fighting was such a nice thing for me.
I had the opportunity for the first time in a long time to do something with Malea today - but she doesn't feel good and we couldn't go anywhere. I doubt it will come up again - so that stinks. It has been a long time since I've been able to do something with her. Keagan and I have plenty of opportunities to do things - we just went to see Home together on Thursday since Malea was working on a project with a classmate. I just feel like I'm neglecting her. I know she doesn't blame me - she understands - but I still feel bad. I don't want her to blame Keagan either. It certainly isn't his fault.
I'm so overwhelmed with this house. I just don't have enough time to get everything done that I need to. I have accomplished a lot - but I just am not where I wanted to be. I just really wanted to have it on the market before June - and I'll be lucky at this point to have it on the market in July. The bathrooms are just way more time consuming that I thought. The other rooms haven't been that bad. I think I'm on week 3 of just working on bathroom #1. Bathroom #2 will be even more work:( I wouldn't be where I am without my Mom - she's been a great help. My Dad has been there to help as well - but I hate asking either of them since this isn't their project - it is mine. I was supposed to have a partner in this - but something happened and I don't have that person to help.
I'm so frustrated at my inability/lack of time/lack of motivation to work out. It certainly doesn't help that pretty much every time I look at myself I'm completely disgusted.
I keep trying to find the positive - I still have my house, my kids are somewhat healthy, I don't have car problems....It is just really hard lately to focus on the positive.
I guess at least things aren't getting worse - just more lonely and sadder. I don't see how I'll ever be truly happy again. Sure I will have days where I'm not sad all day - it just depends on the week.
I keep reading about people that seem to have so much positivity and I just can't get there :(
Malea had been doing pretty well the last few weeks. She had quite the attitude yesterday - but I was just ignoring that for the time being. We went and saw Fast 7 and I thought all was well. I wanted to go to bed as soon as we got home since I haven't been feeling well - and yesterday was quite exhausting. I was in bed and heard a lot of door slamming and stomping around. Malea was mad - when I got up she was in the bathroom throwing up (still trying to narrow that issue down). She wanted me to leave her alone - but I needed to find out what was going on.
For the next hour we talked - more her avoiding talking than anything. Everything always comes down to her thinking therapy is a joke and why do I make her go. I say I want her to stop being so angry and she says that won't happen until people leave her alone. She doesn't want anyone to talk to her and she just wants people to leave her alone - she's never going to be ok :( I finally went to bed once I thought she wouldn't hurt herself or anything (she gets very mad that I think she will).
I tried to explain to her that she doesn't want people to leave her alone. She might think she wants that - but she doesn't. It is a horrible place to be with nobody ever talking to you or asking you how you are and really wanting an answer. She doesn't want that - nobody truly wants that. If they think they do - they've never lived that way. I understand her not wanting to talk - she doesn't want to think about her Dad every day. She doesn't want anyone to bring him up. She says she doesn't want to pretend he didn't exist - but essentially that is what she wants. She doesn't want to remember how amazing he was or that he'd want so much more for her than this life she's choosing to live. I can't help her - she won't let me. She also won't let anyone else help. She's purposely trying to push everyone away. She says she doesn't care that she's smart - it isn't going to do her any good. She says people tell her she'll end up working fast food anyway.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not strong enough for this. Her reasons for not wanting to go to counseling are so valid - no therapist is going to truly care about her. They care about the money and helping her on paper - they'll never truly care. How can I argue with that? That is exactly why I don't go. Neither of us can be fixed - we aren't broken - our lives are and it can't be fixed. I am trying to give them the best life I can - I have no choice but to do that. Without them - I wouldn't be where I am now. It just keeps getting so much harder. I was hoping therapy would help - but she's ultimately telling her what she thinks she wants to hear. I get a lot more out of her at home than the therapist does. She says she doesn't tell anyone how she truly feels though.....she says she's not a good person. This is just killing me....:(
I was so looking forward to this time off. Last week I started getting this cough and it was just a cough for a few days. Luckily it didn't keep me up at night. Saturday I woke up with a headache and didn't feel as good. Malea was going out of town with my MIL - so I had to get up early anyway. Keagan also woke up with his ear hurting. Turns out he had ruptured his ear drum :( I was feeling ok after some medicine and Keagan was dealing - just wasn't his energetic self most of the day. That actually helped because I was working on the house and he could just lay on his bean bag that we brought and was fine with that. I would have been able to get so much more done if both of us would have felt better. I also learned my lesson about wearing flip flops- bad idea when you are doing demo work (I had not planned on initially doing that).
Sunday I woke up feeling much worse - but my cough was better. Keagan was so much better yesterday as well - but still had his ears draining. Last night I was just exhausted - regretting that I picked Monday as the day I had to work.
I feel much better today - less of a headache - just a runny nose and a little tired. The last few days put me all out of sorts though. I feel like I'm so behind on everything!
Overall the kids had a good Easter. Keagan was overly excited about his new Ninja Turtle suitcase and Malea has spent most of her itunes money so far. We had fun at my Mom's finding Easter eggs. Best of all - we got to see Nolan (and Selena and Scott, of course ;)) I didn't get to hold him since his immune system isn't great as is and although I know what I have is allergies - I wanted to be safe.
Malea has been doing better. She talked a lot to Dave's oldest brother on her little trip on Saturday. I was very glad to hear that she was talking to someone. It was nice for him to realize how great of a kid she is. I was saddened to hear that she's been called these horrible names at school. She says they don't bother her - but they really bother me :( She doesn't want me to do anything about it though. She says - it is just gossip Mom. Kids are so mean :( Like she doesn't have enough to deal with already......
Still trying to figure out something fun to do at the end of this week. I need to plan something or I'll just work on the house all week and the kids want to go do something....I have to feel better first!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)