I wasn't really robbed where someone held me at gunpoint and took my wallet or anything. I was robbed of my future. I see things all the time that say you shouldn't live in the past. The past is where I was happy. The past is where I thought I would be forever. I just can't get past the past. I feel like moving forward just basically leaves out this wonderful life I had and all the plans we had for the future. It allows everyone to forget Dave and just move on like he never existed.
Many days I have a hard time remembering that I once had a partner - I had someone to support me and love me and push me. Someone to believe in me and tell me that I'm not a complete screw up and that I got this.
I'm reading this book right now where the 2 main characters are very lonely and just wishing for someone to love them. Of course - in the end they will likely get together and be happy together forever - that is how these books always end. They both lost parents when they were young. One is taking care of a sibling and one moved from foster home to foster home - never with a true family. I have a family - I'm not saying that I don't have that. I'm lucky that I have family. However - I very much relate to these 2 characters in their adult life. Both of them are always taking care of everyone - whether it be strangers or people they know. They both need someone to talk to be taken care of by someone not expecting more than just that in return. The girl even starts talking to a steer (they are on a cattle drive). Maybe I should find an animal to talk to.....lol. Someday we'll get another pet...just too overwhelmed right now with getting the house ready to sell.
I was thinking about all of this on my way to work this morning. Then a song comes on - Amazed....Our song. I really never heard this more than a couple times per year and I heard it twice now in the last week. I don't know if it was a sign from Dave telling me - hey - you once had someone to love you and I'm still here loving you..... I wish I could just let that be enough. I had someone to love me for nearly 16 years - someone to be there for me and push me and think that I was one of the smartest people he ever knew.
Why can't I use that to push me?? I feel like a failure at everything I do. I'm a perfectionist - which is generally a bad thing for me. I try to figure everything out - but there is always something I don't like about it. My tile is crooked, my drywall never looks good, I can't get one room to stay clean for more than 5 minutes. I'm working out - but can never lift as heavy as everyone else, squat as low as everyone else and I'm definitely slower than pretty much everyone! I'm just not good enough and I'm not ok with that. I keep trying and failing....I hate this about myself. I don't want my kids to be like this. I want them to think that they can do anything and it won't matter if it isn't perfect. How can I get them to do this when I suck at it myself? I do keep trying - I suppose someday I'll get something right.
I have been having dreams a lot more often lately. I'm not sure what that means. I generally don't dream a whole lot - or at least I don't remember the dreams after I wake up. I had 2 crazy dreams last night. I don't remember a lot about the dreams, but I remember 2 distinct parts. I assume they were 2 different dreams because they don't remotely go together - but who knows.
The first dream I only remember that I kept changing my clothes (which actually happened last night before the gym). I looked in the mirror and had a flat stomach. I can't remember a time in my life where I had a flat stomach. It wasn't super pretty still - but it was basically flat. There was still a little bump - but hey - Dave had a little bump too and he was super skinny. I didn't have any abs - but in my mind they would come if my stomach was that flat ;)
The second dream was very strange. A whole bunch of my family (Dave's family and mine) were sitting in a room. It seemed like a house I was working on - but wasn't any of the houses I'm currently working on. My MIL was mad about her Kingdom Hall and decided to leave it. She decided that they weren't doing the right things and decided to try a place that was called an Open Church (it was a church without any ties to anything - just something for everyone). This was just so crazy and I was so excited.
Oh how I wish dreams could come true!! These would both be so amazing. Neither will happen - I'm fairly certain of that.
I have to say that I have been feeling better lately. I'm still a cow - but I feel better. My clothes fit better - but I'll be so happy when I can fit in smaller clothes and still feel better. I don't look in the mirror and want to punch it anymore. I guess those are good strides. I don't know that I'll ever be truly happy again - that will never happen if I don't have someone other than weebly to talk to. For now - it is all I have....and I'm just dealing with it.
I know some people might say that I could talk to them - but I truly can't. People just don't get how much I'm doing and how much I'm trying. They don't get doing everything pretty much 100% on your own. It takes all I have to ask my BIL to let Keagan spend the night when I really have nobody to watch him so I can work out. I've done it twice in 3 months and it just really bothers me that I had to ask. Having grieving children on top of my grief is unbelievably hard. I truly want to get Keagan in a sport - everyone is telling me that. I just don't know how I can fit it in - I truly don't....not without giving up my working out - which is why I'm doing better. I'm not willing to give that up right now....at least not until I see some results. Then I won't want to give it up because I will want more results. I'm convinced I'll see some results at some point....and hopefully soon!
Malea is really struggling. She's been doing so well. She's more engaged with other people and just overall fairly happy. The last few days have been tough. We still don't know what is wrong with her back - all tests that have been performed have come out normal. She's still in a lot of pain though. She has become used to being in pain at this point, so she doesn't complain too much about it. She does get irritated when other people say that their back hurts. I've been guilty of that - but I am still in pain - I've had back issues for a long time.
Right now she is struggling with how much her Dad isn't going to be around and how much she needs him. She watched a bunch of videos of Dad's walking their daughters down the aisle. She was up that night crying. I didn't know this until yesterday. I told her to come wake me up if she's having a rough night. She came in and woke me up last night. She cried for a while and finally fell asleep. Both kids slept with me - while I slept in the middle of my bed. It was a rough night for me - but for them to both feel safe - I can lose some sleep.
She never talks much about Dave and doesn't like other people to bring him up. I think now that she's doing so much better - some stuff is hitting her hard. To top it off - people at school are being mean to her. I hate middle schoolers. Why do they have to be so mean? Seriously...who just goes around saying mean stuff to people. Why do they think that is ok? She says it isn't one specific person - it is a group of people. I asked her if she wanted to talk to the counselor about it and she said no. She said she can't get an entire group in trouble because then the innocent people would go after her. I really hate this. Isn't it bad enough that she lost her Dad. Now she has all this other crap to deal with as well. I really want to go yell at these kids and tell them to just be nice. If you can't say anything nice - don't say it at all. I don't know how to help her get through this. I know how much words hurt.
Oh how I wish I could fix this for my kids. I wish I could tell them that everything will be ok.
It has been amazing to see recent progress in Malea. She is so much happier and just doing so much better mentally. Her back is still causing a lot of pain - but we have seen progress a little there - so physical therapy is helping.
We've recently been really thinking of moving. Malea even wants to pack up her room. I have a lot of work to do though here - so I don't know that we'll be able to try to list the house as soon as she would like. We found a house that we all love. She really wants to move there. I'm sure it won't be available by the time we sell - but if it is meant to be - it will still be there!!!
Things had been going a little better all around until yesterday. My MIL stopped by to drop off some material for me to give to Malea. It was a passage on forgiveness. She was reflecting back to my letter about Malea stating she didn't want anything to do with her family. She basically said that Malea needs to forgive them. That is not the issue. I will not tell Malea about this - but man does it really make me so incredible angry. It is NOT Malea's fault. She has every right to feel the way that she does. They treated Dave poorly and they aren't sorry for it. They will never love my kids like other kids in the family. They don't deserve to know them. I'm really tired of this being brought up. I really lost it and was glad my Mom was there to back me up. I probably wasn't very nice and Dave might have been mad at me. I just can't keep doing this. I have to protect my kids and bringing this up hurts me and my kids. I would really like our progress to continue - but stuff like this needs to stop happening and I don't know how to stop it :(
I'm still trying to figure out what is making Keagan so angry and causing his attitude problem. I started thinking maybe it is because I've been going to the gym and spending less time with him. It could be that...I'm not sure. We go to therapy tonight and I might ask her what she thinks since Malea is doing so well.
I've been getting angry so easily lately. I immediately get mad at myself for such a short fuse. Normally I have all the patience in the world and can tolerate a lot. I just seem to fly off the handle too quickly these days. I'm getting so mad at myself about it.
Keagan has been going through something and I'm not sure what it is. He's either really angry or emotional. He gets so mad if he doesn't get his way - like kicking and punching (not generally people - but he has hit me) or throwing things. He always apologizes and I explain that this isn't the proper behavior that he should have. I was really mad at him last night - so lately if I'm mad I just don't talk to him. It seems childish - but he really hates when I do that - so it works. He'll then start sucking up to me and doing everything I ask. I just don't want him to get so angry in the first place. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been getting so angry (I don't hit, kick or throw things...just FYI). I tend to raise my voice and just get annoyed too quickly. If he isn't mad - he's super clingy and can't do anything on his own. For the past week - he cries when he goes to bed. He'll say he misses Dave and I'm sure he does - but I'm not sure if that is it. With kids and grief - it is so hard - because they can totally play this card and it is hard to know if it is real or not.
I think part of my anger is with Malea as well. It totally isn't her fault - but with her back she can do far less than before (which wasn't much). I try to help her as much as I can - but this gives me more to do on a daily basis and I was already stretched pretty thin. Plus - I have all of these extra appointments added on to my week. This week I have 3 appointments for her - plus a band concert and festival.
I'm really trying to keep the gym my top priority for me but then I feel guilty that I'm away from the kids too much.
I don't really see a solution - I just need to figure out a way to just breathe and deal with everything better. I'm just sorry to everyone I may have hurt in the process of me being so angry. Hopefully nobody is too mad at me. I just don't want my kids to see me as this angry Mom - I want them to know I love them and would do anything for them. I also want them to be responsible and help out as well.
I've been struggling with an issue for a while. I just don't know what to do any longer. It involves my Mother-in-Law.
We have always had issues - but I've always been very civil and I do love her. I've never really felt like a true member of the family and always walk on eggshells around her. She doesn't really know me very well - but I don't think she despises me. I can deal with her disapproval of me and some of the things I do - but I'm really struggling when it comes to my kids.
Dave was always the buffer. If something was really going on - he would talk to her. I don't know how it always went - but he would just tell her. He didn't care if she got mad at him. He was much better dealing with people. With me being the people pleaser that I am - this is so incredibly difficult for me and becoming increasingly harder.
Things have been increasingly more difficult all around since Dave isn't here. Malea wants basically nothing to do with that side of the family (apart from Dave's siblings and his Dad's side of the family). She has very good reasons. She still wants a relationship with her Grandma - but at a distance. My MIL doesn't really know how to relate to Malea at all. I can just tell that she disapproves of basically everything that I'm doing regarding her. At the request of the therapist - I sent a letter to my MIL and asked her not to discuss her side of the family with us or ask us to go visit. That apparently was ignored and hasn't really improved. I was just asked to go down there last weekend. Luckily I had a good excuse (as I usually do) but she will never understand that her family was so vile and rude to Dave and it is very hard for us to deal with and just ignore.
The biggest issue is how she is with Keagan. She has never treated him well in my opinion. He's always been a handful. He just has so much energy and she doesn't know how to deal with that any longer. Just yesterday she wanted to read to him and he wasn't cooperating. I made him sit and listen - but it involved him putting tape over his mouth (I did not suggest this) so that he didn't talk. She wants him to sit there and not move. He has never really done that. He loves to be read to - but he always has to be moving around. I know that he is good in school - but it takes so much for him to be good in school - that I don't make him be like that at home. There are times that I require it - but not all the time. I know he listens to the stories - and when we read together - he sits and reads very well. He is the point that he really wants nothing to do with her. He gets angry anytime we stop over and tries to hide - or refuses to get out of the car. I try my best to get him to interact - but he really doesn't want to. Generally the only way I get him to get out of the car is to bribe him with something later. She doesn't see him often - always has trouble understanding him (he speaks perfectly fine and has since he was like 2). His 2 cousins listen well and sit and do whatever she says. I can't help that Keagan is not like them. He never will be - he's his own person. Most of the time I love the way he is. He's funny, clever and just full of life. I do wish that he would sit still more often - but I know he does when it is necessary (most of the time).
I'm just at a loss. This is really hurting me and I feel like I'm constantly losing a battle that I have no chance at winning.
I haven't had a dream involving Dave is a long time - probably over a year. Last night I had a dream and we discussed this issue. There were some other strange things about the dream - but he totally agreed with me and told me I was doing the right thing. Is that a sign? Did I dream that hoping he'd agree with me. I have no idea.....
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)