Imagine having a love so great that it makes you happy every day. Think Noah from the Notebook. He loved Allie so much even throught their time apart and she obviously loved him too. Their love was so great.
Now imagine that love blossoming in to a beautiful family. That man turned in to such a great father. He still showed great respect for the mother as well since he would constantly reprimand the children for not respecting her. He was the fun Dad - always thinking of adventures to take the kids on. Reading to the kids and making up funny stories when they didn't want to go to bed. He gave the best horse back rides and could throw the kids in the pool better than anyone.
Now imagine that you are the woman that has all that. Wouldn't you think your life was a fairy tale? You were blessed beyond what you deserved. You had your moments where you didn't appreciate what you had - but after thinking about it - you always came back to remembering that you had it better than most. You had a great love and a great father. It is pretty rare to have both in the same man.
Now imagine - that all of that is taken away in the blink of an eye :( Life goes from on top of the world to the gates of hell in 3 minutes (I always think of it that way since I talked to him 3 minutes before he died). That is my life.
How do you think about the future with anything but dread when you had what I had? How do you look at your children without thinking of all that they are missing out on not knowing their father. Not having him there to walk your daughter down the aisle. Not having him there to teach your son how to ride his mountain bike through the trails. They are both so much like their dad. They have his love of adventure. I can see that dwindling the more they hang out with me - since I lack that capability.
Doing a study on forgiveness didn't really help me. I feel like I blame myself for a lot - but it is all stuff that I didn't put on myself - it just happened- but I don't know that there is anyone or anything to forgive. I feel like it is something I need to forgive - not a someone. I feel like I need to forget and not forgive. I need to forget what I had. How can I do that? That would be forgetting about the best part of me.
Reading "The Shack" has helped a little actually. However - he actually had things to forgive - someone killed his daughter. He held all that resentment and rightfully so. Nobody took Dave - at least not that I know of. It was a fluke accident or maybe a purposeful accident - I'll never know the answer to that. I could forgive him- but I don't really blame him. I don't feel like he would have left us on purpose. The dreams right after he died made me think that it was just a fluke accident as well. The book alludes to the fact that God didn't make the sadness happen - and he could have intervened - but only by not creating man in the first place. That makes a lot of sense to me. It is still hard to wrap my head around.
Before anyone says I need counseling - it really doesn't help. It doesn't get my lawn mowed, or the trash out. It doesn't get my closet built or my oil changed. It doesn't pick up anything at the store that I need when I don't feel good or pick up dinner. I have very little availability to do stuff with Malea alone. We always tried to make sure that happened on a pretty regular basis - we would go on dates with each kid several times per year. Then we would also make sure to get dates together once in a while. That probably happened less often. Dave got plenty of nights out with the boys as well. Occasionally Dave would make sure to take the kids out so that I could clean the house without the distraction. I can't even remember the last time I was able to do that.
I just wish people could imagine more what it is like to be living what I'm living. Maybe I'd catch a break rather than the constant judging that I get instead. Or even the 'I'm sorry's' - with fake 'if you need anything let me know' words behind that.
I am doing better - we all are doing better. We'll never be like we were before though.
I'm hoping Malea will be happy in the future - that she'll have wonderful friends. She'll see how much potential she has and that she'll thrive and see that her life can be amazing.
My hope for Keagan is that somehow we find someone that will take him fishing. Someone that will teach him how to catch a ball or play basketball with him. I try - but I don't even know how to play. That he won't fall through the cracks but I lack so much free time to be able to do stuff with him. I hope he develops some friendships that will maybe help teach him some things that only boys seem to know without the agressiveness that may come along with it.
I just hope that I can live a long life and be an amazing Grandma to my grandkids. I hope that is a long way off - but maybe only about 10 years or so away. I hope that my kids don't move too far away and that I don't feel like a burden to them. I hope that I can lose the weight I'm trying to lose and actually be happy with the way I look for once in my life....and keep it that way.
Earlier in the week I posted about forgiveness. I have always been one that forgives very easily. I give so many second and third chances - and it hasn't always been good for me. I just think that there is so much good in people and I'm nice - so I hope they see that and not let me down. However - one way that I forgive people is to blame myself. They wouldn't have wronged me if I was a better person or if I would have treated them differently. This always is what eats at me. I always think if I were better then people wouldn't treat me bad.
I have a few people that I'm struggling with right now - the main issue that I wonder is how do you forgive someone that is constantly being mean. I could forgive them - and I generally do - but they just keep doing the same thing over and over again. I think one particular person is just a mean spiteful person anyway. It isn't someone I can part ways with either as I can't control that they are in my life. They certainly make my days very sad and lonely though and I really try to avoid them at all costs.
My real issue is me. I struggle so much with holding on to a lot that I can't control. I have the same issue with me and wondering how I can forgive myself when I will do the same stuff over again:
How can I forgive myself for not being enough for my kids?
How can I forgive myslef for not knowing that Dave was on the road when I was talking to him minutes before he died?
How can I forgive myself for being only ok at pretty much everything?
How can I forgive myself for something I don't know how to explain?
I'm constantly beating myself up about my lack of close friendships and what I'm doing that people don't like. I wish I could just go up to people and say - what is so wrong with me? I'm really nice I think - but maybe I complain too much. I have a hard time if anyone gives me a compliment and I rarely tell the truth when people ask how I am. I don't just tell random people that I lost my husband - other than my small group last week - I usually wait quite a while before I say something about it. It is hard because I want people to know that I'm not a single Mom by choice and I'm not divorced. Then they look at me with sad eyes and say they are sorry. I just wanted them to know - I'm still me - I may not be the same person I was before - but I have a lot to offer. I actually think I'm pretty amazing in many ways. I can do so many things that some people can't even imagine. However - I don't want to sound conceited either.
I really didn't think this forgiveness thing would be so hard. I guess I never thought about how much I have going on that I need to forgive myself for. I'm holding on to most of it and I don't know how to let go of it. Counseling could maybe help - I've gone to 2 different counselors and I tried to contact another one. They all want me to make friends - I've been trying for about 19 years and it hasn't worked well so far. I guess going to small group is a step - but that only is another 2 weeks - so then I have to figure out something after that. Crossfit is the closest thing I've had to friends in many years. I don't always talk to people there - but I feel like they are all friends since we're going through the same crazy things together. We are all in different places in our lives but for that hour - we are all making our bodies do what it doesn't want to do!! That is the best thing for me really. After this week - I really am going to try to at least make 1 regular CF class. Hopefully I'll be at my old house less and maybe it will sell....it certainly would take one huge burden off my shoulders!!
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)